The Everything Christmas!

This holiday season has been....everything! The Lord continues to share many blessings.  It was wonderful to have a houseful of laughing, energetic people. We had a great time.  Christ was in our Christmas and we celebrated His birth and His life.  Where would we be without either?  It was so great to go to a candlelight service with Kristin and Aaron, sing Christmas caroles, hear the Word, have communion together and watch the most amazing artist transform her work from one portrait into another.  It was a very special, important time with loved ones.  A time I'll always be grateful I was able to be a part of.

Everyone that's on Facebook has already seen this amazing gift I received.  Aaron and I have talked several times over the last several months about his t-shirt collection.  He has created many and over the years we've collected many from the shows he's been involved with from high school and forward and those he's had from organizations he has supported through his talent and efforts.  It's quite a collection and I didn't want them to just disappear.  They represent a history of what has been and is important in the life of our son.  They tell a story of his life and what he believes in. I had thought that I might take some of these shirts and design teddy bears for the Children's Oncology ward at the hospital.  Aaron had a different idea.  He worked with his mother-in-law Ruth, who is an absolute artist when it comes to sewing, and created a quilt for me that is beyond description.

Every single square is a story.  It's a lifetime of memories that I will cherish forever! Here are a few shots of single panels to give you and idea of how spectacular this gift really is.

The Platapus

The Serious Question

Choose Joy signed by the "Lost Dogs"

working days left until retirement. I'm off this week beginning the preparation to relocate to Aaron and Kristin's.  The transition will give us time to spend with the kids and help them out and at the same time help us get our things organized and packed. I'm really looking forward to the time of being together. A time of sharing and talking, of helping when I can, a time of feeling like I'm able to do something besides just sitting by and watching it all happen.  We'll have time to play games, play Wii, have meals together, laugh and share stories, create new memories. We're not living in a dream world here.  We've talked and know that there will be challenges along the way.  There will be times when we all want a break.  During those times we'll go to our own "corners" and chill out.  It's going to be more of a time of "what will be right" than one of "what could go wrong".

Today begins another step in our journey.  A journey that only God knows where the rocks are.  A journey where every step is a step of faith counting on my heavenly Father to show me the rocks.

Look for the Miracles God HAS Given

Sunday we celebrate 40 Christmases together Ray and I..  As is said so often, "seems like only yesterday".  I don't know where the years have gone.  What have we done with 40 years?  They have certainly been packed full and life has never been boring.  At times things have been very tough, sometimes full of tears, sometimes happy, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but we've remained best friends, love each other more now than the first day we met (and I honestly didn't think that would ever be possible), and through it all we continue to know and experience joy in our lives. Happy 40th Anniversary Suggie!

This weekend as we quietly celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary we're looking forward to that quiet weekend and to doing one of our favorite things, decorating our home for the holidays. Christmas has always had a very special meaning to our family. This year, for me, it is steeped in the realization of the gift another mother, in another time long ago, gave to the world.  Now before I go any further here, please understand that I am NOT comparing myself to the gift God gave us through Mary and the birth of his Son. God was providing a way for us to have eternal life through that miraculous birth,  I can take no credit and say I know how Mary felt.  There's no one who can say they know how Mary felt.  You can bet that's a question I have on my mind to ask when I get to heaven.  I most likely won't care a whit once I get there.  Well enough rambling.

Just let me say that amazingly, there is no sadness today, only wonder.  As I sat at Kristin's 30th  birthday party last night it was amazing to see all the joy, laughter and fun.  It wasn't by any means a fancy event, there was birthday cake and everyone brought snacks.  It was about celebrating life and my son was leading the charge. (The only reason I'm using the "I" and "my" pronouns here is that this is my blog. I do know that his father is as proud of him as I am.)  Aaron is everything we ever dreamed of in a son.  The only thing we've ever asked of him is "do your best" along with "be Aaron" every time he leaves the house.  He still hears that every time he goes out our door, "be Aaron".  What an Aaron he is.  He's smart, he's funny, he's talented, he finds joy in everything, he loves life, he has a great marriage and is a great husband, he's a great pappa to our grand- puppy Belle, he's a great son-in-law, he accepts people as they come to him, he's thankful for everything in his life, he exudes joy.  What mother could ever ask for more?.

As I enjoyed the evening last night and listened to him sing I just wonder if I will ever understand why God would give one person so much talent only to take him away in the prime of his life?  You know what? Ain't goin' there.  If God wanted me to know that He would have already told me.  What God wants me to do right now is celebrate both the birth of His son and my son and that's exactly what's going to happen.  We are going to have a killer holiday season and spend very little.  We're going to decorate and celebrate.  We're going to spend time with family and friends.  We're going to give to others.  We're going to sing Christmas Carols.  We're going to, and have been since November so we can get them all in, watch Christmas movies. We're going to hug, cry, laugh, look at old pictures of Christmases past and make new memories.

As I sat and listened to Aaron sing last night I'm thankful for the miracle God put in my life, my son.  He has such a beautiful voice, he plays guitar, he composes songs, he writes like none I've ever read, he loves His heavenly father and shares that love with everyone he meets, he has more talent for drama than can be imagined, he has an imagination that is unsurpassed, and he's my son!  What a miracle God gave me!  So in one sense, I can imagine what Mary felt like.  We both have received miracles!

Thanksgiving and the Rock

The prep for the annual dressing is complete.  Now all I need is my "mixer" to come home from his haircut appointment so he can mix it up.  He'll more than happily do it 'cause he's hoping I'll put just a small dish in the over so he can "test" it tonight before we serve it tomorrow.  It's my mom's recipe and it never gets old...Cornbread dressing with Jimmy Dean Sausage.  Yum!

 Now it's on to the Cranberry Jello Salad.  Another yummy mom's recipe with lots of celery and walnuts.  It's the best side dish ever to turkey and was one of my grandpa's favorite.  Then to the sugar free pumpkin pie, Chocolate Applesauce Cake full of walnuts and raisins and last but not least, sausage balls.  If I ever forgot to make the sausage balls or the dressing I'd have to find another family!

It's going to be a fun-filled weekend full of laughter, friends, family and joy...because that's what we're choosing.  I have no idea what next week will bring, it's hanging heavy over our heads.  But we do know that tomorrow is the special day we've set aside to be thankful. So we're going to take special notice of the day and give a special thanks for the last year especially!  We're able to do something again this year that we didn't think would be possible last year, we're celebrating the holidays once again with our son!  What's not to be thankful about that?

The Lord answered another prayer today, He gave Kristin a job that she'll be very good at doing and something she knows well.  Although it was a very difficult decision and it wasn't easy to do I know that God will give her the strength to persevere. Only God knows why the things in our lives happen in the order they do...and it's probably a very good thing.  This thing we call "faith" that we hang on to so tightly isn't always wrapped in the face of happiness.  Faith is always about stepping out into the unknown, but always knowing that God always puts the rocks out there for us to land on.

With that said, "Happy Thanksgiving" to all.  Enjoy the days with family and friends knowing that God is in charge and the "rocks" are there if we but have the faith to step out.  Not easy; always necessary!

Jannie, note to self, the rocks are there!  Use 'em!

Holidays and Peanuts

Sugarfree eggnog, pumpkin pie, dressing, turkey, cranberry jello salad the joy of the Lord and the "Peanuts" characters...that's what our Thanksgivings and Christmases have been made of.  I don't think we've had a Thanksgiving or Christmas without the Peanuts characters.  They've always been one of Aaron's favorites from the time he was very little.  Nothing has changed.  Ray and I still want to buy everything we see at this time a year that has anything to do with Peanuts.  Can't do it but doesn't mean we don't think about it and when we do we relive the many, many holidays we've all had together.

I just woke up this morning and see by the post on Facebook that our son has been at the emergency room all night.  I'm so thankful he has Kristin with him.  They love each other so very much.  At first I was really ticked to think that he had gone through the entire night at the ER without calling us.  I know in part that he didn't want to wake us up in the middle of the night, I know that if anything had happened Kristin would have called.  I know all of that, but once again, I'm a mom and the need to be there is very, very strong. 

As you can probably tell, I'm not having a very good day. It started when I got up this morning.  I was in tears before I even hit the shower.  Things are becoming just a little too real.  I know the reality. Somedays now, more now than a year ago, I find myself in tears.  It doesn't take anything to start them rolling.  I'm trying so hard to get into the spirit of the season...I hope it gets better because right now I just don't have it in me.  I'm so tired of crying. I want it all to go away.  I know that Aaron loves the Lord and that the Lord loves him dearly.  I just want him here.  I shouldn't have to be talking about death, cremation, painting urns and no future with my son.  I should be talking about his expanding career, he and Kristin buying a house, establishing a family.  This is going to sound very selfish I know, but why can't I have that.  Everyone else gets it.  My sisters have it, my brother has it, my nieces and nephews have it.  Why can't I have it with my son?  What did I do in my life that God would take my son in the prime of his life?  Why would he give him all the talent he gave him and then take it all away.  Why? 

I'm putting up a pretty good front because that's what everyone expects to see from me.  But I don't really care about anything anymore.  Doesn't matter if we have things.  Doesn't matter if I have a home.  Doesn't matter about a fancy car.  Doesn't matter about anything.  I'm making all the motions that everyone needs to see but I don't really care.  People want to hear that I'm doing okay so that's what I tell them.  I love them for caring and being there but I can't be honest about feelings face to face because I never would stop crying.  Most days I'm just barely hanging on.  I go through my day and do what I have to do but it gets more difficult every day.  My mind isn't sharp and clear.  I loose my train of thought.  I forget then I get frustrated.  I'm out of answers.  My goal is just to make it through one day at a time.

I want those days back filled with laughter, thinking about the future, thinking about a grown son and how the Lord will use him and his talents, about having holidays in his home with his family, about doing all the things families get to do together.  I'm selfish and I want that.  I miss my son already.

I try not to post my real feelings because I feel like everyone expects me to always have a happy, cheerful attitude.  I also try not to say what is really in my heart because I know Aaron reads my blog but today son, I apologize.  I don't want you to feel worse or that you're "letting me down".  You are not!  You want these same things and I know you have the same wants.  I love you dearly.  Please excuse your sad mother this one travel into self-pity.  mom

Just for Today Lord

Well, here's this big blank page again...my mind is going in a thousand directions.  I need to shop for supplemental insurance for Ray, complete my 23 page application for my PERS retirement, attend a PERS meeting for those retiring within the next year, schedule a one-on-one meeting with PERS to make sure the 23 pages are filled out correctly, complete all my documentation work so my replacement will know what, how and why I did what I did, continue packing, get ready for Thanksgiving, get ready for Christmas, celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary, celebrate the  New Year, have my 62nd birthday and retire.  All within 46 remaining working days.  I think my life is going to continue to be quite full!

We spent the morning with the kids this morning.  Kristin and I went to lunch and Ray brought home lunch so he and Aaron could have lunch together.  We came back home and packed a few things.  Tomorrow I'll finish the bookcases and get them on Craig's List.  Today I listed the iron double bed in the spare room on Craig's List.  We're making progress.  The real scary thing is the garage.  Going out to the garage is like the little boy in Home Along going down to the basement!  I think that stuff actually multiplies when we're not looking.

I really love being at home. I love doing things in my home and spending time here.  I really love managing my own time and getting up when I want and going to bed when I want.  I use to be a morning person.  I'm finding I'm not really a morning person any more.  On the weekends if I get up and around by 10am I'm doing really good.  If I'm really lucky I talk Ray into getting in the shower before I do so I can write or read the paper and drink coffee just a little bit longer.  I use to be at work during the week by at least 7:15am.  Now I'm lucky if I drag my butt through the door right at 8am.  Sure doesn't seem to bother me though.  I'm sure glad we live within a mile of work or I'd probably be late every day.  That would be something for me.  I think I've only been late to work once in my entire work life.  Growing up, we were always at least a half hour early to everything.  You never knew when you'd have a flat tire on the way ya know.

Jamison is curled up on his favorite rug on the floor sound asleep.  Ray is reading...and evidently, I'm writing.  All is quiet with our world right now and it feels very peaceful.  I am so thankful for and have so very much enjoyed this laptop.  I can sit here with Ray and Jamison and do whatever I need to do and not have to go into the other room to do it.  Besides that, it's freezing cold in the studio and toasty warm here in the living room.

As you know, we've begun our annual pilgrimage through all of our Christmas movies.  We began with Home Alone then National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and last night Christmas Vacation 2 (I think they probably made that one out of boredom...at least that's why we finished it).  Tonight we watched one we'd never seen before, "The Christmas Cottage".  If you haven't seen it I highly recommend it.  It's the story of how Thomas Kincaid found his muse.  It's a great story and has a wonderful cast.

Well, enough babbling.  Time to get on with another Christmas movie.  See you later!

Resting in God's Plan

Today is the 40th anniversary of the day my hubby Ray gave me my engagement ring. From August to December of 1970 was a whirlwind.  I didn't know life could be so exciting.  We had so much fund discovering that world together. It was a time of learning, sharing and depending on each other.  I cannot believe where the last 40 years have gone.  They've not been boring....EVER!  Life has been challenging but we've made it this far and I am looking forward to the years ahead that God gives us together.  I don't know how I would ever make it life without the Lord and my hubby.  He is my true soul mate.  I knew that the moment I saw him in Santi's Camera Shop in Watsonville CA.  I have never doubted it for one single second in the last 40 years.  That in and of itself is one amazing fact.  We still love being together.  We are each others best friend.  We like traveling together.  We make each other laugh.  We cry together, plan together and dream together.  It doesn't get much better than that.

Now we're on a journey together than we neither dreamed about or planned.  It's one of those things that
happens in life that there is no way, even if we had known, that we could have planned on.  It's a very sorrowful journey and a journey that only God knows why we have to make it.  We might never understand what God's purpose is in the journey.  Is it fair that we have to take this journey. We would definitely say no, but then again, what in life is ever fair? We would never wish this journey on anyone else so I guess, in that sense, it's fair.  God will take us through it, fair or not.  He has a purpose and a reason, we'll probably never know what that is.  It has to be enough that God has a reason and a purpose.

So this Halloween we continue this journey that God has established before our lives began.  We celebrated today with Aaron and Kristin, calls from family and just enjoyed being together.  Tonight we'll enjoy seeing all the kids laughing and running as they enjoy a night of make believe. We'll remember all the halloweens in the past 40 years and the fun we've had; costume parties, taking Aaron trick or treating, laughing with the neighborhood kids as they run and shriek and yell as someone steps out from around the corner.  Halloween was always a favorite holiday growing up.  I don't remember ever having a store bought costume, we made them from what we had.  We must have been Red Skelton's the "Freddy Bum" character half our childhood.  It didn't matter.  We couldn't wait until dad got home from work and dinner was over so we could head out to all the neighbors and pick up those delicious treats; homemade candy apples, popcorn balls, taffy, fudge, caramel.  They never ceased to amaze us.  Our parents encouraged us to be kids and have a great time.  They didn't make the holiday anything other than it was...a great night to spend with friends and get more sugar than any child should have in a year!

What a life we've had and memories we've made.  We wouldn't change one single minute of it.  God has a plan!

How Dare You!

Right now I am raging with anger a mother should never have to experience.  I've just read my son's blog that he wrote last night. http://judasforgiven.blogspot.com

Someone, he doesn't even know, has written him an email and basically said, "I'm tired of hearing from you and about you.  Stop your whining and die".  How dare you! How dare you even suppose you know what he is dealing with.  How dare you even suppose you know the pain he's in.  How dare you!

I would not wish what my son is going through right now on anyone else.  I would not wish it on any other wife or parent  and yet there are thousands out there dealing with the same thing.  How dare you suppose that you know anything about the pain we all experience every day.  How do you think you would feel and deal  with the fact that every single minute of your life you constantly have to think about your death;  knowing that you could die at any moment from something you  have no control over.  Yes, you could get hit by a bus when you're crossing the proverbial road.  However, you have the choice to look both ways before crossing that road and make the decision to cross or not cross.  My son has lost those choices.

How would you like your options to be, " do I want to take another drug that makes me sick all the time, leaves me where I don't know anymore what it feels like to not be nauseated,  leaves me in rashes so painful I can barely move, splits the skin on my hands and feet until they bleed, leaves me so weak I can barely move (and yet last night before he got your email he set his cane aside, got down on his hands and knees and changed the tire on their car that had blown knowing how much pain that would leave him in because it's something he could force his body to do), has taken the ability of playing his guitar and singing away from him because his fingers are split and numb and his mouth is full of sores,  leaves him where he can barely breath and has to fight for every breath....yet in in all of this he expresses joy and thankfulness for the life he still has.  It's easy for whoever you are to say, just lay down, shut up and die.  Why don't you try it!  How dare you suppose to know anything about it. How dare you to send a cowardly email and rant and rave at him about still being here and talking about his journey.  How dare you use this opportunity to raise your ugly head and prevent someone who's dying from experiencing  the support and love that he receives from everyone through various forms of social media.

If you don't want to see the comments about his life in the various forms of social media he uses, don't read them.  "Hide" his comments on Face book.  Don't berate him because he still has a life and you don't.  How dare you think you have that right!  How dare you try and take that form of communication from him and try to make him feel guilty  because he's still breathing.

Next time you think it's okay to berate someone who is dying because they're living longer than anticipate why don't you try and rejoice in the fact that someone has beat the odds they were given and be thankful that they and they're families have them for just a little bit longer.  Let me ask you, just exactly how do you think your mother would react if you were in the same situation and someone wrote an email to you like you just sent to my son.
What a selfish person you are.  Shame on you.