Grieving and Anger

It's a new year. So why am I not feeling new. I feel like an old, drug out, worn out, old lady. I think maybe I'm just tired like everyone else. I keep searching for joy but it keeps eluding me. Aaron and Ray believed it was a choice. That's easy for them to say, look where they are, heaven. I mean really, what's not to be joyful about that. 

If you're looking for an uplifting blog don't read any further cause this isn't going to be one. Some things I just need to work through and get out and this is my way of doing it. My blog, my rules.

Since Aaron died in 2011 I've pushed and pushed and pushed to do everything everyone else wanted to do and wanted done. Since Ray died in October, I've pushed and pushed and pushed to do everything everyone else wanted to do and wanedt done. I've hauled out the Christmas stuff, decorated for Christmas, baked, plastered on a smile and said, "my, isn't this grand". No in fact, it wasn't and isn't.  My nephew just lost his mother in November and guess what, yup, he experienced the same thing. I guess it made everyone else believe that it would make everything all better. Believe me, it's going to take a lot more than that and a much longer time than the holiday season to accomplish that. I don't really think anything will ever be "normal" for me again. I still cry myself to sleep each and every night. I still reach out at night to feel hubby's warm body and wait for him to pull me close and wrap his arms around me. In talking with mom, my dad has been gone for eight years now, it hasn't changed for her either so I guess this is a journey that's never ending. 

Every time my brother Bill (brother-in-law actually) calls and I see caller ID I start tearing up and cry the entire conversation. I love him so much and he and my hubby's mannerism's were so much alike.Am I angry? Holy cow, can't you tell?!  I'm ticked at Aaron, I'm ticked at Ray and right now, ticked at me. I have absolutely no ambition or energy. I wish I could drop in a hole with Jamison and everyone would just forget that I exist. I have to keep going and that makes me angry. When do I and how do I get the opportunity to have my time for grieving? The world doesn't stop.I do and say everything ever body wants to hear in order for them to feel good because that's what's expected. For the world it's like ya, they were here but they're gone let's just get on with it. For me, it's all just beginning.

Before you get all judgemental and start with the, "but don't forget, God is there for you, just ask; He is sufficient and He will provide all your needs; He let you have them for 38 and 44 years, just remember those years and all the other platitudes. Just let me just say, thank you for all the non-helpful advice and comments. I know all that AND I've already had this conversation with my heavenly father JUST as I would have had this conversation with my earthly father had he been here. Believe me, I know all that and believe all that. God knows I'm angry, I've made that very clear! I believe Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the PLANS I have for YOU declares the Lord, plans to PROSPER you and not to harm you, PLANS TO GIVE YOU HOPE and a FUTURE." 

I believe that with all my heart and soul. Please just allow me my time to go through the process whether you understand or not. It's something I need. Please don't assume that because my mate is no longer with me that I have no life or plans. I have both. Please don't assume that I won't get through this, I will, but I'm going to do it in my own time and it's going to take as long as it takes.

Am I at the foot of the cross? Yes. Is it a happy conversation? No. Does God understand? His arms are around me. Enough said.

Until We Meet Again

C. Ray Jamison    10/24/38 - 10/11/14

Here I am again Lord. I thank you for today. I thank you for family and friends who know and understand what this life is all about. It's about you. How blessed I have been to have had Ray in my life. What an amazing man he was and how he loved you. How amazing it was that you brought him into my life to share my life. He always thought he was the lucky one, but I knew better. I've always known. He always said that as a little boy, playing in the woods he heard my cry, "save me, save me" and he did. He saved me from the lions, he saved me from the dragon, he saved me from the train tracks. He was, and always has been, my hero. He was in my life according to your plan. I have never doubted that from the first time we met. My mama was right, be cautious who you date, you can fall in love at first sight. I was "gone" from that first moment.

But, to be gone was to be found, for me. Ray came into my life and was the most amazing advocate for wanting me to be me. Good, bad or indifferent, he wanted me to be me. He loved me for who I was at any given moment and he loved me unconditionally. He chose to love me. He loved me until the breath of life left this worldly body. I will always love him, just as I will always love you. Ray's worldly body may be gone but the life we shared this last 44 years. I can say 44 because it's close enough to count (December 5th). I very much appreciate the 44 years you gave us. If it had been 100 it still wouldn't have been long enough. I would still miss him just as much as I do now. My heart would still be just as broken as it is now and I would still shed as many tears as I do now. 

I do not know or understand why you have elected to take both he and Aaron before me. I do know that you have a plan because you tell me so in your word: 

Keep me mindful of you Lord. Help me understand that you continue to be my provider. You care for me, love me and know me better than anyone ever could. You loved me enough to let me share 44 years with the man of my dreams. For those years I will be eternally grateful and will not regret the years we didn't have. They were years we never had to begin with. You are my sufficiency. Take care of him Lord. I leave him in your care in heaven with you just as he was in your care here on earth. 

Farewell my love, until we meet again on the streets of gold. Jannie

God Is Faithful

And they never ended!

Here I am Lord, calling out your name. My heart is breaking. My husband, your child, lies here beside my chair waiting for your call home. I know that what awaits him is a wonderful and glorious thing. But, that doesn't mean I want him to go. It was just one month ago to the day we heard the words, terminal. How could things progress this quickly? I never in my wildest thoughts even considered that it would only be these few days. Although I know it's a better place for him it's hard. I just want him to sit up and say  "Hey there, I'm rested, let's get up and go.". But he isn't going to do that is he Lord?

He isn't going to hold me when I cry this time either like he has done so many times before. He's not going to hold my hand anymore and say, very carefully, to me, "Now Jannie, do you really think this is a good idea?". He's not going to get that gleam in his eye when he's been mischievous? He had that gleam more often than not. He's not going to be with me for new adventures. He's not going to hug me again when I cry because I miss our son. He's not going to see another Christmas and share the joy of the holiday season. He's not going to preach again or win another soul for you. He's not going to enjoy this Autumn with me, walking along, talking, sharing and picking up pine cones. He's not going to get to do any of those things again. I am going to miss him and all those wonderful things we have shared these past 44 years. My life is better for him having been a partner in it.

But, he is going to enter the pearly gates and meet you face to face. He will be able to hear you say, "Well done my good and faithful servant." He will walk the streets of gold and see the smiling face of our beloved son who went on before him. What joy that will bring to each of them. I know that you are faithful Lord. I know you will bring him safely home to you. I know that his pain and suffering are coming to an end. I ask now that you give me the grace and courage to let him take the journey; to release him to you for your glory. 

I will be sad, lonely, scared, hurt, angry, mystified, broken and unconsoledable, but, joy comes in the morning. The joy, eventually, of knowing that one day, he will meet me at the gates of heaven, arms out streached ready to enfold me in that strong, loving and comforting embrace that I will have missed. And once again, we will be together and home.

At The Foot of the Cross

Our son Aaron

Where to begin. When last I left it was October 20, 2013. Much has happened in the span of eleven months. October 2, 2014 will mark the third year of our son Aaron's passing. When I left you, hubby and I were living in Troy NY. How do I fill in all the blanks and blessings in the past eleven months? How to begin? Suffice it to say, God worked miracles. 

Hubby Ray

My hubby, Ray, has been in poor health for several years now. We simply could not find answers in Oregon nor NY. He kept loosing weight and no one could explain it. He was short of breath and no one could explain it. He was having trouble swallowing and no one could explain it. He kept getting weaker and weaker and no one could explain it. 

My mother, who has Parkinson's, has lived with my sister Diane and her husband Ron for many years now. In the midst of our son's battle with Colon cancer, my sister was diagnosed with Multiple Myloma. Diane was at a point she was needing help with our mother. I knew before long I was going to need some heavy duty help with Ray. God worked miracles through family and after two years in Troy, we find ourselves once again in CA. I could write a book about the miracles God worked on that ten day trip back across country, but that's a story for another time.

Following many pokes, prodding and tests we have a diagnosis for Ray: Cardio Pulmonary Failure. It is terminal.

So, where do we go from here? Right back to the foot of the cross. Am I angry? You bet? Is it fair? There is no such thing as "fair". Life gives us what we get and we stay at the foot of the cross where the Lord provides the comfort and grace we need to endure. Was it fair Jesus die for what we do. Absolutely not. But love conquered then just as it will now. The love of family and friends overwhelms me at times. What have I done to deserve all this love and compassion. Not a darn thing. That's what makes it so special. They love me no matter what, unconditionally. Just as the Lord loves me unconditionally. I can still be angry this is happening. As I told one friend in an email this past week, this certainly isn't how I pictured retirement. We had such great plans of traveling around doing flea markets and fairs and just enjoying the beauty of God's creation and making new friends along the way. Instead, our son is gone and Ray is terminal. I'll be angry for some time probably, but that doesn't mean I don't know that God loves me and is right here beside me during this journey. 

Do I ask why? Sure I do. But, I don't think it really matters to know the why. The fact is, this is the journey we have been given and as Aaron use to say, "Choose Joy". Some days I'm able to do that. Other days, when I see Ray in more pain than usual, or he's nauseated, or so weak he can't walk, the time I really do need to choose joy, I find it more difficult. During those times I look and find the path back to the foot of the cross. Jesus opens his arms wide and I fall into those open arms and find comfort and joy.

The Joy Journey Continues

Good morning son. My goodness, here it is Sunday again. What happened to Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Oh wait, I know, the same thing that's going to happen to Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week. We're packing it into boxes and filling U-Haul bins!

The Lord is good and gracious. Things are going very well and He leads and guides. Last Friday as I began loading the first U-Haul Box, two of the other residents here in our home, Ethan and Prudence came out and said they were going to help. What would have taken me at least three days, the three of us did in three hours. We did the basement first and then all the boxes in the house.We have one more Box and will have plenty of room for the remainder...including my kitchen table and chairs that I

really wanted to take but didn't think I had the room to. I've had it for sale on Craigslist since the decision to move, had a couple of inquiries but no serious lookers. God knew all along that He was going to give me the desire of my heart. I'm so glad I trusted. 

Dad was able to help pack some yesterday afternoon. His energy and breathing sometimes act up and he's not able to do much. The Lord has been so good to give me the strength and energy I need to get things done. I plan to clear off the front porch today and clean out planters to make room to put the boxes for Salvation Army's pickup on Wednesday. Once I get that organized I'll finish gathering the odds and end we have left to move, and they're not many. I need to "snag" Ethan again to see if he will help me load the kitchen hutch I painted and then I think I can handle everything else.I'd love to be able to take all my salvaged wood but that's not a good idea. I'll load it in the back of the Subaru and take it down to the roadside. It will be gone before I get back to the house.

I was going to start my outdoor project this morning and then "talk" with you this afternoon, but since it's rather cool outside right now I'm just sticking with the normal sequence. 

Poor Jamison. With all the movement and banging and noise of the tape and as tape boxes I don't think he knows what to think. He's either on his rug under my work table or on the back of the couch. It's been going on for a couple of weeks now and his happiest time is when I sit down on the couch to rest and he can snuggle or crawl up in my lap. Something must have clicked last Friday as we were loading the Box though. We, Ethan, Prudence and I had set up a sort of relay to get the boxes out to the Box which Ethan was loading. Prudence and I were carrying the boxes out to the front porch and when we got a stack Prudence would carry them from the porch to the Box where Ethan was loading. At one point Ethan needed items to fill in the "cracks" so I began carrying out our pictures we have packed. I carried out several loads and as I looked up to take the steps up the porch for another load, there stood Jamison at the head of the stairs. In front of him lay "Mr. Cone", his very favorite toy. Jamison willing shares everything he has with any dog that comes to visit, with the exception of Mr. Cone. The only other friend he has ever shared Mr. Cone with is Annie. Ron and Diane's dog. She can take it to be with her and he never says a word. Anyway, Jamison stood there on the porch and nudged Mr. Cone with his nose and looked up at me. My inference from this was, "If we go mom, Mr. Cone goes too!". I sat down and we had a "talk" about Mr. Cone going with him in the car but it wasn't time yet so we needed to take Mr. Cone back to the house until we were ready to go in the car. He turned around, picked up Mr. Cone and took him back to his rug under my work table and curled back up on the safety of his rug. Dad swears Jamison could talk if we'd spend time training him. He just might be right. Jamison has been one of the best gifts God has given us in the last few years. What a joy he is and we thank the Lord for him every single day. He and Annie get along so well. They're going to have a great time together. We'll probably never see Jamison. Ron

and Diane have a fenced yard. You know where he will be all day!!

 The weather here is changing rapidly. We've gone from warm Autumn to chilly Autumn. In the Northern states they are beginning to have snow already. Things are moving very quickly but our steps are sure and directed and we are forever thankful for a Heavenly Father who loves us and cares for us. 

Today is Allegra's 19th birthday! Wednesday is Sierra's 18th and Thursday is dad's 75th. I wanted to do something amazing for dad's birthday this year. I guess a 3,400 mile trip across country counts!! Just as the Lord continues to prepare us for this road trip He continues to prepare the way before us for the heavenly road trip too. Dad has so many more things He wants to do for the Lord and he is extremely excited about the things He knows the Lord has waiting for Him in California. It's good to see him full of life and wanting to tell the world about Jesus. Please continue to pray that God will direct the doctors in CaCalifornia as we try to find out what's going on with dad physically. He's having a difficult time watching me pack and not being able to do as much as he wants to help. But it's like I've told him, I'd rather have him alive and breathing than putting him in a box! I know, bad joke, but dad laughed and I know you are!!

Until next week, be Aaron, love mom

Blessings II

Good morning son. It's a late start this morning, BUT, it's a running start! Well, not literally. Let's just say it's a moving toward a goal start. The sun is beautiful this morning and shining on the turning leaves of reds and golds as they peep through the leaves of green. Autumn is here earlier than usual this year. Not only could you feel it in the air but leaves have been chancing their brilliant coat of many colors for several weeks now. Yesterday on my walk with Jamison the trees on top of the hill in the cemetery looked as though they had been set on fire. I so wish I had the time to preserve some of them in wax to take with me. But alas, I can't do everything. Did I just say that? Besides I packed the paraffin so that's not an option.

Packing is moving along fine once I completed the studio. That's usually the most difficult. The

kitchen is going to be easy. I don't really have to pack anything with the exception of the chickens and the "blue house". Grandma is giving us all of her kitchen stuff because she won't be needing it. Next weekend we're going to have a "free" garage sale. Everything we don't want to take, with the exception of some pieces of furniture, we're going to put in the front yard and on the porch and say, "come and get it". It's a good way to give back and share during these tough times. We've been truly blessed and maybe in some small way, we can share what we have and be a blessing to someone else.

Blessings are amazing events or people in our lives. 

 bless·ing  (blsng)

n.

1. The act of one that blesses.

2. A short prayer said before or after a meal; grace.

3. Something promoting or contributing to happiness, well-being, or prosperity; a boon.

4. Approbation; approval: This plan has my blessing.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2009. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

---

blessing [ˈblɛsɪŋ]

n

1. the act of invoking divine protection or aid

2. the words or ceremony used for this

3. a short prayer of thanksgiving before or after a meal; grace

4. (Non-Christian Religions / Judaism) Judaism Also called brachah brocho

a.  a short prayer prescribed for a specific occasion and beginning ``Blessed art thou, O Lord…''

b.  a section of the liturgy including a similar formula

5. approval; good wishes her father gave his blessing to the marriage

6. the bestowal of a divine gift or favour

7. a happy event or state of affairs a blessing in disguise

Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003

---

bless•ing (ˈblɛs ɪŋ)

n.

1. the act or words of a person who blesses.

2. a special favor, mercy, or benefit: the blessings of liberty.

3. a favor or gift bestowed by God, thereby bringing happiness.

4. the invoking of God's favor upon a person.

5. praise; devotion; worship, esp. grace said before a meal.

6. approval or good wishes.

[before 900]

Random House Kernerman Webster's College Dictionary, © 2010 K Dictionaries Ltd. Copyright 2005, 1997, 1991 by Random House, Inc. All rights reserved.

 

As you can see by the many definitions, blessings come in many sizes, shapes and variations. Maybe that's why we don't recognize them so many times in our lives. Taking all of these definitions into account, I wonder how long it would take us to do what the song bids us to do? 

 

Count Your Many Blessings

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one;
Count your blessings, see what God hath done;
Count your blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

 

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold.
Count your many blessings, money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your Lord on high.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

 

I know that if I ever really did what the song suggests, "count your many blessings, name them one by one", that I would ever be able to name them all. For one thing, I don't know them all. Some blessings we are never aware of. (Sorry about the preposition at the end of the sentence.) LOL  I don't know if it's because we're not paying attention or God intends it that way. If you really stop and think about it, our life is just one big blessing. We wake up every morning

to the brilliance of a universe created just for us. Well, maybe that's just a tad overstated, but not by much. We have opportunities every day that some people just dream about. We have the love and understanding of friends and family. We have the hugs of nieces and nephews. We had the unconditional love of a son that God allowed us to have enjoy for 38 years. We strive to share those blessings with others every day. Our ways may not be huge but the act of sharing our blessings any way we can is something we have always done and will continue to do.

 

Keep God's ear close about your dad's health. He's not doing well right now but hopefully tomorrow the doctor will have some answers. Your dad has been one of God's greatest blessings in my life. God brought Him out of nowhere and it's been close to 43 years of blessings and adventures. We're headed for yet another as we take off across the country in our little Subaru; me, dad & Jamison. We have blessings on the East Coast and blessings on the West Coast and blessings to come in between. We'll be more aware to count them more often and thank the Lord for them daily.

 

Until next week, be Aaron, love mom 

I'm A Child of THE King!

Good morning son! Rainy and wet here. I just imagine the sunshine, or is it sunshine? Hmm. I'd rather think things are so bright because of God's glory that you don't need light. It's funny how we always picture life in heaven as it is here on earth. I know it isn't. God is very plain about that. Maybe it just give us comfort to think of it that way because we understand it better that way. Anyway, I know it's a glorious morning and that smiles are abound and the praising and singing is like we have never heard here on earth. And you can actually understand the words without closed captioning! 

We're packing for our trip. Doing a great deal of sorting and limiting what we are taking.We're using pods this time so we can just store them rather than, load a truck, unload a truck into storage, then load a truck out of storage and unload a truck into a house. We pack up the pods and they're stored until we call for them.The Lord is providing the way, through very unexpected sources, for us to return to California. We are so very thankful to all those, and we don't know all who are involved, but we're so thankful for all they are doing and allowing God to do through them. We've loved our time here in Troy, getting to know the Troy 9, but we're just not east coast people. We're spend our entire life on the west coast, building our lives, making friends. At our ages, it's just too difficult to make this type of transition. 

We finally were able to locate some boxes yesterday and I sorted out the studio yesterday. I'm

Free craft supplies...went like a flash

about down to half of what I have. I piled everything in a pile that I want to share and posted a picture on Craigslist in FREE STUFF last night. Within about 20 minutes I had 11 requests. The posting said whoever wanted it had to take it all. The second one hit the jackpot. She'll be here this morning to pick it up. That was easy. Today I'll finish with the studio. I've laid out a schedule for packing by room and how many days it will take to pack that room(s). I didn't think I'd be able to get started until Monday because I didn't have boxes. But, if I finish up today, I'm three days ahead. That's how long I scheduled for the studio. Plus, Dad and I sorted through all of the memory boxes, two tubs and six albums of photos. We removed duplicates and sorted out one box and eight or nine envelopes of pictures that are going to other family members. Next, we'll hit dad's den. I just organized and cleaned in there so that should be easy.(She says with a laugh.) 

What is that saying, "God works in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform." He continues to amaze us. Why are we amazed? I don't know. It's not like we haven't seen God at work in our lives before. We see it everyday. Maybe it's because we don't think God cares about the desires of our hearts, just our needs. And yest He shows us every day that He cares for both. Maybe it's because we don't think we deserve to have the desires of our hearts because our needs are so great. You know how sometimes you see God working but you just know it can't be for you because there are so many of His children with needs and desires and yours are just so "low on the totem pole". I mean they're important to you, but why would God care. He has children who are in danger, who are sick; children with REAL troubles. Why would He take time with the desires of your heart when He has a world of children to tend to. I'm so thankful He's God and not me. God doesn't have to make a choice, He can do it all.

I often have thought over the years what it would have been like to have a houseful of kids. That's what dad and I wanted but God didn't see it in our lives for us. We poured every ounce of

love and care we had into you. We were able to do that because we had one child. How does a parent with many children know what each child needs in order of importance? Is it instinct? Is there an order? Families only have so much income? How does a parent decide what or who comes first? What seems like a need to a child seems like a desire to a parent. I may have told you this story before, but it bears repeating here I think. It is still just as vivid in my memory today as it was when it happened. Maybe not all the details, but the love of my parents to fulfill what I just knew what a "need" in my life. To them I'm sure it was fulfilling a desire.

Every year our church sponsored a Sunday School picnic. It was a huge event and everyone loved it. We had the usual fare: BBQ hamburgers & hot dogs, families brought potluck to go with them and my dad would take a flatbed truck to the ice company and the would "blow" crushed iced in a huge pile on the flatbed and the men of the church would load it with every kind of pop known to man at the time and ice cream cups. Everything was a nickle, if you didn't have a nickle you usually got the item anyway, and kids could eat ice cream and drink pop all day long and no one said, "haven't you had enough". There were games for the kids and adults and an annual softball game that lasted the entire afternoon. At the fair grounds when we had the picnic there, was a slope where we use to bring pieces of flat card board and slide down the slope. Most of the time you couldn't see the slope for the kids and the cardboard; either sliding down or dragging the cardboard back up the hill for another thrill down.



One year, a few days before the picnic we stopped in at a store downtown. All the family went in. I don't remember why we needed to be there but that's neither here nor there. All I remember was I spotted a pair of "peddle pushers". Oh my. They were stripes of muted pinks, yellows and greens. My eyes must have lit up like the father's in the "Christmas Story" when I saw them. I HAD to have them. I can't remember exactly how much they were. All I remember was that my life would end if I couldn't have them. I screwed up my courage and asked. There was sadness in my mom's eyes when she told me they just couldn't afford to buy them right now. Mom told me later they cost a little over a dollar if I remember right. All I knew was that my life was ending and no one cared. I must have been about 10 or 12. Just at that age. It probably broke my dad and mom's hearts to have to tell me know. Now, having been a parent, I can appreciate how painful that must have been for them. I don't remember what I said, but I do remember not being very happy and letting the world know about it for several days. To this day I don't know how they did it, but the morning of the picnic, those "peddle pushers" were laying on the end of my bed. I know they had to give something up in order to do it. Nothing was ever said. I don't know who was happier, me because I got the peddle pushers or my mom and dad because they were able to provide one of their children with the desire of her heart. I know now, because I've been a parent.

We, as parents, do everything in our power to provide for our children.Sometimes, it's letting them make mistakes, even when you know it's not in their best interest, but because they need to learn. Sometimes it's because you just want to see the joy in their eyes. Sometimes it's simply because they are your child and you love them. This is also true of our Heavenly Father. Sometimes we don't understand what God has given us until we loose it . God, in His mercy, makes all things right.

Until next week, be Aaron, love mom