At The Foot of the Cross

Our son Aaron

Where to begin. When last I left it was October 20, 2013. Much has happened in the span of eleven months. October 2, 2014 will mark the third year of our son Aaron's passing. When I left you, hubby and I were living in Troy NY. How do I fill in all the blanks and blessings in the past eleven months? How to begin? Suffice it to say, God worked miracles. 

Hubby Ray

My hubby, Ray, has been in poor health for several years now. We simply could not find answers in Oregon nor NY. He kept loosing weight and no one could explain it. He was short of breath and no one could explain it. He was having trouble swallowing and no one could explain it. He kept getting weaker and weaker and no one could explain it. 

My mother, who has Parkinson's, has lived with my sister Diane and her husband Ron for many years now. In the midst of our son's battle with Colon cancer, my sister was diagnosed with Multiple Myloma. Diane was at a point she was needing help with our mother. I knew before long I was going to need some heavy duty help with Ray. God worked miracles through family and after two years in Troy, we find ourselves once again in CA. I could write a book about the miracles God worked on that ten day trip back across country, but that's a story for another time.

Following many pokes, prodding and tests we have a diagnosis for Ray: Cardio Pulmonary Failure. It is terminal.

So, where do we go from here? Right back to the foot of the cross. Am I angry? You bet? Is it fair? There is no such thing as "fair". Life gives us what we get and we stay at the foot of the cross where the Lord provides the comfort and grace we need to endure. Was it fair Jesus die for what we do. Absolutely not. But love conquered then just as it will now. The love of family and friends overwhelms me at times. What have I done to deserve all this love and compassion. Not a darn thing. That's what makes it so special. They love me no matter what, unconditionally. Just as the Lord loves me unconditionally. I can still be angry this is happening. As I told one friend in an email this past week, this certainly isn't how I pictured retirement. We had such great plans of traveling around doing flea markets and fairs and just enjoying the beauty of God's creation and making new friends along the way. Instead, our son is gone and Ray is terminal. I'll be angry for some time probably, but that doesn't mean I don't know that God loves me and is right here beside me during this journey. 

Do I ask why? Sure I do. But, I don't think it really matters to know the why. The fact is, this is the journey we have been given and as Aaron use to say, "Choose Joy". Some days I'm able to do that. Other days, when I see Ray in more pain than usual, or he's nauseated, or so weak he can't walk, the time I really do need to choose joy, I find it more difficult. During those times I look and find the path back to the foot of the cross. Jesus opens his arms wide and I fall into those open arms and find comfort and joy.