It's been a shaky couple of days

Good morning son! And how are you this beautiful Sunday morning? Before I go back into the last week and try to update you on what's been going on, I want to share a dream I had Friday night. It's significant to me because I remember  it. You know I very seldom ever remember my dreams. Sometimes I remember I had one and most of the time they're dreams of great memories. Very seldom do I have a nightmare. Can't remember the last one in fact. But this dream was the most real dream I've ever experienced. The other thing that amazed me was that each time (four, count 'em FOUR) I came back to bed after my bathroom trip, the dream started over right back where it left off. I've never had that happen. And to be honest with you, I didn't want it to stop. (Geez, I hope I can tell you about this without crying all morning). I lost a complete day yesterday because I cried all day and it was one of those days when I had no control over the tears. Anyway, dad, you and me and sometimes Jamison were somewhere at an event full of people. Dad was playing trumpet with a group. You and I were roaming around, up and down an escalator and stairs laughing and having a ball. During the entire time, you changed in age. Sometimes you were in a stroller (I know! I can hear you now, trying to imagine yourself in a stroller, but you did ride in a stroller when you were little.) The government would probably haul us away for child

Yours was blue!

endangerment these days for that stroller, but, it's what we had and what we used.  Anyway, no matter the age, you always carried this little brindle rabbit with you. A live rabbit, being carried under your arm. Did you have a rabbit hidden in your room! I asked dad if he remembered you ever having a rabbit. Neither of us can remember you ever having a rabbit. It would not surprise either of us though to find out you did have a rabbit in your room. Most of the time we'd have never known! It was a great dream. Everyone was happy you and I were having a super great time just being together while dad played. You never let go of that rabbit. Sometimes when I looked at the rabbit, it had Jamison's face. Figure that one out. All of that was good. I was your mom on earth again and enjoying your hugs and laughter again. Then, morning came, as it always does. The dream had been so real I was exhausted when I awoke. And then it hit me. It was as though you had died all over again. My emotions went crazy. No matter what I tried yesterday I couldn't stop the tears. The fact that the tragedy in Aurora CO had just occurred didn't help either. Here you fought for five years to hold onto life and this young man not only just threw his away, but took other lives as well. I don't think we'll ever know why he ever felt that was the only option left to him. I grieve for his mother and father. The question, "What more could I have done?" will never leave their minds. There is no answer to that question. But they will never stop asking it. Dad and I know there is no answer to that question but we continue to look and seek an answer. I know they'll always been looking for that one little thing they missed so they can say, "aha, there's the answer". I wish I could let them know, there is no answer. I just so hurt for them. Never in their wildest dreams when they brought this child into this world did they dream this for him. Never in their wildest dreams did they ever think their son would ever be capable of what he did. Your child is always your child. You never want to think they're capable of something this extreme. They're always wonder, they'll always be in pain, their lives will never be the same again. All we can do is pray they have the strength.


I'm much better today. The sun is shining and it's going to be a beautiful day. I slept great but I have an emotional drain from yesterday. Poor dad, I feel for him. All he can do is just watch and be there. He's always there though, never far away, watching and waiting for the least little sign that I need him. Jamison never understands. He usually is very quiet and is laying across my feet because that's as close as he can get.

Well, it's been over a year since we've been in Troy and life is beginning to fall into place. Dad continues to strengthen. He and Jamison are walking early morning now because it's just too hot in the afternoons. Jamison is getting great about going out with dad, and me, without his harness and leash. If he heads off dad just slaps the side of his leg and he comes right back. NOW, we still don't try it after dark because we know from experience, you can't find him in the dark! Also, the deer come right up into the yard and stand right there and look at him. He wants to play so much. Yesterday we say three doe and two tiny, baby fawns. They didn't look big enough to even be walking and were pretty wobbly. So cute.  We haven't seen the red fox in quite some time but I would imagine come winter we'll see him again. The squirrels continue coming to the front porch trying to get to the bird feeder. Are there squirrels in heaven? I hope there are animals in heaven. You're not going to tell me are you? Get that grin off your face. Jamison just sits there, not 4 foot away and watches. He loves the birds. I'm using bird feed that is suppose to attract Cardinals. Dad is going to build me a birdhouse for Cardinals. They have to be built a specific way. They also need to be placed in shrubs rather than on a post or in a tree. We have the perfect place in a shrub across the driveway from the front porch. I bought another feeder and we're going to put it in the shrub as well. I know the Cardinals are around because I've seen one, finally!

Corey, Jon and the kids are having a very busy summer. Corey is traveling a lot and spending a lot of time in airports because of cancelled or delayed flights. They've all been spending a great deal of time working in their yard and it really shows. They have a great vegetable garden and dad and I have already benefited with one huge pot of fresh green beans which we ate in two days time. Dad cooked his first bunch of green beans and they were the best I have ever eaten. I'VE never cooked beans that tasted that good. Their yard is an abundance of colorful flowers. Corey has a red begonia in a pot right at their door. It reminds me of the dozens of pots of begonias my mom use to have going down the pathway to grandma and grandpa's between our garage and house. Your grandma has a green thumb. She had the most beautiful flowers, begonias, fuchsias, daisies, violas, violets, day lillie's, roses, petunias, pansies, cala lillies, bird of paradise; you name it and mom had it in her yard. Corey and Jon are just like that. I think they can grow anything. Their yard shows how much time they spend working in it too. Where they find the time, I have no idea. The kids are all good. Their summers are always full. Oh, and Sierra has a boyfriend! I know, can you believe it. Jamo and Josh are still getting use to the idea.

Dad and I may luck into having a garage! We're very excited. Tom told dad yesterday that he thinks the man that rents the garage next to his shop is going to vacate the garage. We've waited a year. It will be so great if it happens. The garage is entrance is right out our back door. It will give dad a place to set up his saws. Since I'm spreading out into the dining area so I'll have more room, dad can have my work table which was originally built for a shop. Today we're going to Target to pick up a couple of expedite shelving units so I can begin the change. Right now, my studio is stacked! Well, if I don't stop yapping and get busy none of this will get done. I have a stack of cards I need to get finished too so I'd best get to it.


I so enjoyed spending time with you, hugging you and laughing with you again, even in a dream. I know where you are and I know where I am. I know that's not physically possible, but it will do for now.


Until next week, be Aaron, love mom