I can admit now that when you were first gone it hurt so much and there was so much pain I just wanted God to take me home so I could hug you and laugh with you again. I still look at your picture and find it difficult to imagine that I can't call you or that you're not physically here on earth any longer. I mean, how can someone so young and talented be gone in just a whiff? How can that even be possible? As it approaches your first heavenly birthday I think about releasing your ashes last Christmas and watching the wind carry them over and beyond, "Aaron's rock" on the hill and blow through the wind and up into the sky. It's comforting to know that part of you could be in a birds nest helping a mother bird keep her young warm and loved. Or, in "bedding" of a doe as she cares for her fawn. Or, in New York City as the breeze continues to carry them over and beyond to the ocean. I know where your spirit, or the real essence of you, is. Your spirit lives in the home God created for you when you were born. Just like the song we use to sing says, "I have a mansion, just over the hilltop". I know it's just ashes of the earthly shell from here on earth. But, it's remnants of the shell that were you and I find comfort in these things. All of these things.
I find comfort in the fact that God knows the desires of my heart. I also know that God expects me, unconditionally, to be content with what I have and to appreciate it. He also expects me to be content with where I am, where ever that may be. I hope you're content in heaven because it doesn't get any better than that. I know you are. Your love for the Lord far outreached anything I could have imagined. I don't think I really understood how deep your walk with the Lord was until the last few years of your life. Even as a child you questioned everything. Dad and I spent a lot of time explaining things to you. True, you did hear sometimes, "I don't know why, just do it because I say so". Your grandma and I have had conversations about this very thing. Being told that use to drive me absolutely crazy as a kid. I mean there had to be a reason right. Parents don't just tell you to do something without a reason? In our conversations grandma said that sometimes when she told me "no" or to do or not to do something she really didn't have a concrete reason. She called it "the prompting of the Holy Spirit". She sensed that something was not good or safe for me to do, but she couldn't give me a concrete reason. She just knew. I found that to be true while you were here and dad and I guided you through the "streets of life" if you will. We just "knew" it wasn't safe or the right thing to do. Call it what you will, and I'm sure that all parents experience this but it is called and defined as many different things. Whatever it may be called or recognized as, it is a tool we use in life to protect not just our children, but in many different areas of life. This sense we have, that whatever it may be, at whatever time, we use this tool to help protect those that we love and care about. I see it every day in the deer that cross our yard to their nightly nesting place. Jamison and I watch them through our open living room window. As the sun is setting and they are grazing their way across the yard all of a sudden the doe stops dead in her tracks,so to speak, becomes as still as a statue, her head held straight and strong, her eyes fixed; she senses there is danger. She knows there is something not
right in her world. Jamison and I don't move. We're staring right at her but she doesn't see us. Believe it or not, Jamison is transfixed and for a moment she watches. She still cannot detect us in the open window but she "knows" there is perceived danger. She goes from this relaxed mother walking her "children" home for the night to this mother who knows danger is looming and moves to get her children out of the danger. She leaps into action and heads up the hill. The "children" linger and stroll along continuing to munch on the grass and enjoying the stroll not aware of the "danger". The doe turns to look their way and all of a sudden the "children" raise their heads, see their mother and obey. As they begin to move Jamison barks. Now the doe's perceived danger has become a reality and her sense of danger is confirmed. The doe lopes up the hill with her "children" close at her heels as they all seek the comfort and safety of their den. A mother's sense, her intuition, her spirit, whatever you want or need to call it has once again proven itself.Where am I going with all of this you ask? Well, you wouldn't ask. You would know better. Because if you ask, you know I'm going to tell you right? And you're right. I am going to tell you.
Sometimes we don't know what God is doing and so we try to "encourage" him to tell us or we decide we've waited long enough and it's time for us to take action into our own hands. THAT my friend is when the "hair on the back of your neck" should be standing straight up in the air and waving, saying, danger, danger, danger. Kind of like that robot use to in that series we use to watch together about the family "Lost in Space".
Wickapedia defines "Contentment is 'acknowledgement and satisfaction of reaching capacity.' The level of capacity reached may be sought after, expected, desired, or simply predetermined as the level in which provides contentment."
Your mom's definition: It's not "always greener on the other side of the fence. Relax and enjoy where I am and who I am until my still, small voice says, "okay, it's time".
Jeremiah 29:11
New International Version (NIV)
Until next week, be Aaron, love mom
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