It Is What It Is

Good morning son. I wish you could start this conversation this morning. I feel more like listening than talking. It's the week of taking down Christmas and putting things away. I was sick last week so I didn't get anything done. Got almost everything packed yesterday and what isn't packed is in the general vicinity of the tubs and wrapping materials. Although it doesn't look like much left I know it will take the rest of the day to complete and get downstairs; if we get it all done at all. Then comes the cleaning. Dad kept up as best he could while I was gone and did a good job but it's time to really do the deep clean.  Josie was over yesterday afternoon and helped. She's quite the little packer. We took a break and watched a "werewolf" movie and she played with her Barbies quite a bit. She was pretty quiet all afternoon but we had a good time. 

You and dad always decorated the tree. This year, dad did it. As I took the ornaments off the tree yesterday it took me by surprise as to how many ornaments we actually have. Although I was so tired at that point I must say, I really enjoyed wrapping each one and thinking back to when we got it and what it meant. It was really a lot of fun.

I know that memories are a good thing and that we make them so we'll have them to draw on when we need them. Sometimes  though.....

I don't know what this new year is going to bring and from what I've experienced over the last 63 years, that's okay with me. I was hoping to begin the new year "reved" and ready to go. Instead, I feel tired and worn out. So far it feels like it's just going to be more of the same. I so try to keep a positive attitude and to choose joy but rather than getting easier, it seems to be getting more difficult. I'm not alone, I know that. Economics for everyone is very difficult right now. I think more and more people are living from paycheck to paycheck every single day. You go to the grocery store and eggs are $3/dozen, milk is close to $4/gallon, apples are close to $1/each. By the time you pay your house payment and all the insurances: health (if you can afford it), home-owners, life, renters and your medications, three quarters of your income is gone. Does it help being in heaven and having a "birds eye view"? Can you see what's happening down here? I know you can't do anything, and I don't expect you to, just wondering. I know this sounds like a real "downer" but sometimes, I just need to share with you because I know you have a heavenly heart and body now and it won't bring you down. I'm so glad you have a heavenly body and aren't hurting any more but I have to tell you, I am very, very angry that you are gone.

Anyway, on to the new year. Like I said, I have no idea what this new year is going to bring and for that I really am grateful. I just pray that with whatever the year brings God gives me the grace and the strength to endure it. Right now, at this very moment, I don't have what it takes. I know this will pass and I will be what I need to be when I need to be it. But sometimes I need for it to be okay to not be the strong one, the responsible one and the positive one. What was it you use to say? "God has a plan, I may not like it, but I'm going to do it." I don't know how that's going to fit into my life this year, and to be honest, I don't know if I have the strength any more to do it.I don't know where you got yours. I don't know how you stayed so strong. I think maybe you have to want to.

Thanks for being my sounding board this morning. I know this has not been a very positive conversation but thanks for letting me ramble on and say how I'm feeling at this very moment. Thanks for knowing and believing that "this too shall pass" and in the next moment I will be fine, I'll get right back on that proverbial horse and ride again with a strong will and clear mind. Thanks for knowing and believing that your mom is stronger than she knows and that she loves and trusts the Lord BUT, she's only human.

Until next week, be Aaron, love mom