Grieving and Anger

It's a new year. So why am I not feeling new. I feel like an old, drug out, worn out, old lady. I think maybe I'm just tired like everyone else. I keep searching for joy but it keeps eluding me. Aaron and Ray believed it was a choice. That's easy for them to say, look where they are, heaven. I mean really, what's not to be joyful about that. 

If you're looking for an uplifting blog don't read any further cause this isn't going to be one. Some things I just need to work through and get out and this is my way of doing it. My blog, my rules.

Since Aaron died in 2011 I've pushed and pushed and pushed to do everything everyone else wanted to do and wanted done. Since Ray died in October, I've pushed and pushed and pushed to do everything everyone else wanted to do and wanedt done. I've hauled out the Christmas stuff, decorated for Christmas, baked, plastered on a smile and said, "my, isn't this grand". No in fact, it wasn't and isn't.  My nephew just lost his mother in November and guess what, yup, he experienced the same thing. I guess it made everyone else believe that it would make everything all better. Believe me, it's going to take a lot more than that and a much longer time than the holiday season to accomplish that. I don't really think anything will ever be "normal" for me again. I still cry myself to sleep each and every night. I still reach out at night to feel hubby's warm body and wait for him to pull me close and wrap his arms around me. In talking with mom, my dad has been gone for eight years now, it hasn't changed for her either so I guess this is a journey that's never ending. 

Every time my brother Bill (brother-in-law actually) calls and I see caller ID I start tearing up and cry the entire conversation. I love him so much and he and my hubby's mannerism's were so much alike.Am I angry? Holy cow, can't you tell?!  I'm ticked at Aaron, I'm ticked at Ray and right now, ticked at me. I have absolutely no ambition or energy. I wish I could drop in a hole with Jamison and everyone would just forget that I exist. I have to keep going and that makes me angry. When do I and how do I get the opportunity to have my time for grieving? The world doesn't stop.I do and say everything ever body wants to hear in order for them to feel good because that's what's expected. For the world it's like ya, they were here but they're gone let's just get on with it. For me, it's all just beginning.

Before you get all judgemental and start with the, "but don't forget, God is there for you, just ask; He is sufficient and He will provide all your needs; He let you have them for 38 and 44 years, just remember those years and all the other platitudes. Just let me just say, thank you for all the non-helpful advice and comments. I know all that AND I've already had this conversation with my heavenly father JUST as I would have had this conversation with my earthly father had he been here. Believe me, I know all that and believe all that. God knows I'm angry, I've made that very clear! I believe Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the PLANS I have for YOU declares the Lord, plans to PROSPER you and not to harm you, PLANS TO GIVE YOU HOPE and a FUTURE." 

I believe that with all my heart and soul. Please just allow me my time to go through the process whether you understand or not. It's something I need. Please don't assume that because my mate is no longer with me that I have no life or plans. I have both. Please don't assume that I won't get through this, I will, but I'm going to do it in my own time and it's going to take as long as it takes.

Am I at the foot of the cross? Yes. Is it a happy conversation? No. Does God understand? His arms are around me. Enough said.

Until We Meet Again

C. Ray Jamison    10/24/38 - 10/11/14

Here I am again Lord. I thank you for today. I thank you for family and friends who know and understand what this life is all about. It's about you. How blessed I have been to have had Ray in my life. What an amazing man he was and how he loved you. How amazing it was that you brought him into my life to share my life. He always thought he was the lucky one, but I knew better. I've always known. He always said that as a little boy, playing in the woods he heard my cry, "save me, save me" and he did. He saved me from the lions, he saved me from the dragon, he saved me from the train tracks. He was, and always has been, my hero. He was in my life according to your plan. I have never doubted that from the first time we met. My mama was right, be cautious who you date, you can fall in love at first sight. I was "gone" from that first moment.

But, to be gone was to be found, for me. Ray came into my life and was the most amazing advocate for wanting me to be me. Good, bad or indifferent, he wanted me to be me. He loved me for who I was at any given moment and he loved me unconditionally. He chose to love me. He loved me until the breath of life left this worldly body. I will always love him, just as I will always love you. Ray's worldly body may be gone but the life we shared this last 44 years. I can say 44 because it's close enough to count (December 5th). I very much appreciate the 44 years you gave us. If it had been 100 it still wouldn't have been long enough. I would still miss him just as much as I do now. My heart would still be just as broken as it is now and I would still shed as many tears as I do now. 

I do not know or understand why you have elected to take both he and Aaron before me. I do know that you have a plan because you tell me so in your word: 

Keep me mindful of you Lord. Help me understand that you continue to be my provider. You care for me, love me and know me better than anyone ever could. You loved me enough to let me share 44 years with the man of my dreams. For those years I will be eternally grateful and will not regret the years we didn't have. They were years we never had to begin with. You are my sufficiency. Take care of him Lord. I leave him in your care in heaven with you just as he was in your care here on earth. 

Farewell my love, until we meet again on the streets of gold. Jannie

God Is Faithful

And they never ended!

Here I am Lord, calling out your name. My heart is breaking. My husband, your child, lies here beside my chair waiting for your call home. I know that what awaits him is a wonderful and glorious thing. But, that doesn't mean I want him to go. It was just one month ago to the day we heard the words, terminal. How could things progress this quickly? I never in my wildest thoughts even considered that it would only be these few days. Although I know it's a better place for him it's hard. I just want him to sit up and say  "Hey there, I'm rested, let's get up and go.". But he isn't going to do that is he Lord?

He isn't going to hold me when I cry this time either like he has done so many times before. He's not going to hold my hand anymore and say, very carefully, to me, "Now Jannie, do you really think this is a good idea?". He's not going to get that gleam in his eye when he's been mischievous? He had that gleam more often than not. He's not going to be with me for new adventures. He's not going to hug me again when I cry because I miss our son. He's not going to see another Christmas and share the joy of the holiday season. He's not going to preach again or win another soul for you. He's not going to enjoy this Autumn with me, walking along, talking, sharing and picking up pine cones. He's not going to get to do any of those things again. I am going to miss him and all those wonderful things we have shared these past 44 years. My life is better for him having been a partner in it.

But, he is going to enter the pearly gates and meet you face to face. He will be able to hear you say, "Well done my good and faithful servant." He will walk the streets of gold and see the smiling face of our beloved son who went on before him. What joy that will bring to each of them. I know that you are faithful Lord. I know you will bring him safely home to you. I know that his pain and suffering are coming to an end. I ask now that you give me the grace and courage to let him take the journey; to release him to you for your glory. 

I will be sad, lonely, scared, hurt, angry, mystified, broken and unconsoledable, but, joy comes in the morning. The joy, eventually, of knowing that one day, he will meet me at the gates of heaven, arms out streached ready to enfold me in that strong, loving and comforting embrace that I will have missed. And once again, we will be together and home.

At The Foot of the Cross

Our son Aaron

Where to begin. When last I left it was October 20, 2013. Much has happened in the span of eleven months. October 2, 2014 will mark the third year of our son Aaron's passing. When I left you, hubby and I were living in Troy NY. How do I fill in all the blanks and blessings in the past eleven months? How to begin? Suffice it to say, God worked miracles. 

Hubby Ray

My hubby, Ray, has been in poor health for several years now. We simply could not find answers in Oregon nor NY. He kept loosing weight and no one could explain it. He was short of breath and no one could explain it. He was having trouble swallowing and no one could explain it. He kept getting weaker and weaker and no one could explain it. 

My mother, who has Parkinson's, has lived with my sister Diane and her husband Ron for many years now. In the midst of our son's battle with Colon cancer, my sister was diagnosed with Multiple Myloma. Diane was at a point she was needing help with our mother. I knew before long I was going to need some heavy duty help with Ray. God worked miracles through family and after two years in Troy, we find ourselves once again in CA. I could write a book about the miracles God worked on that ten day trip back across country, but that's a story for another time.

Following many pokes, prodding and tests we have a diagnosis for Ray: Cardio Pulmonary Failure. It is terminal.

So, where do we go from here? Right back to the foot of the cross. Am I angry? You bet? Is it fair? There is no such thing as "fair". Life gives us what we get and we stay at the foot of the cross where the Lord provides the comfort and grace we need to endure. Was it fair Jesus die for what we do. Absolutely not. But love conquered then just as it will now. The love of family and friends overwhelms me at times. What have I done to deserve all this love and compassion. Not a darn thing. That's what makes it so special. They love me no matter what, unconditionally. Just as the Lord loves me unconditionally. I can still be angry this is happening. As I told one friend in an email this past week, this certainly isn't how I pictured retirement. We had such great plans of traveling around doing flea markets and fairs and just enjoying the beauty of God's creation and making new friends along the way. Instead, our son is gone and Ray is terminal. I'll be angry for some time probably, but that doesn't mean I don't know that God loves me and is right here beside me during this journey. 

Do I ask why? Sure I do. But, I don't think it really matters to know the why. The fact is, this is the journey we have been given and as Aaron use to say, "Choose Joy". Some days I'm able to do that. Other days, when I see Ray in more pain than usual, or he's nauseated, or so weak he can't walk, the time I really do need to choose joy, I find it more difficult. During those times I look and find the path back to the foot of the cross. Jesus opens his arms wide and I fall into those open arms and find comfort and joy.

The Joy Journey Continues

Good morning son. My goodness, here it is Sunday again. What happened to Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Oh wait, I know, the same thing that's going to happen to Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week. We're packing it into boxes and filling U-Haul bins!

The Lord is good and gracious. Things are going very well and He leads and guides. Last Friday as I began loading the first U-Haul Box, two of the other residents here in our home, Ethan and Prudence came out and said they were going to help. What would have taken me at least three days, the three of us did in three hours. We did the basement first and then all the boxes in the house.We have one more Box and will have plenty of room for the remainder...including my kitchen table and chairs that I

really wanted to take but didn't think I had the room to. I've had it for sale on Craigslist since the decision to move, had a couple of inquiries but no serious lookers. God knew all along that He was going to give me the desire of my heart. I'm so glad I trusted. 

Dad was able to help pack some yesterday afternoon. His energy and breathing sometimes act up and he's not able to do much. The Lord has been so good to give me the strength and energy I need to get things done. I plan to clear off the front porch today and clean out planters to make room to put the boxes for Salvation Army's pickup on Wednesday. Once I get that organized I'll finish gathering the odds and end we have left to move, and they're not many. I need to "snag" Ethan again to see if he will help me load the kitchen hutch I painted and then I think I can handle everything else.I'd love to be able to take all my salvaged wood but that's not a good idea. I'll load it in the back of the Subaru and take it down to the roadside. It will be gone before I get back to the house.

I was going to start my outdoor project this morning and then "talk" with you this afternoon, but since it's rather cool outside right now I'm just sticking with the normal sequence. 

Poor Jamison. With all the movement and banging and noise of the tape and as tape boxes I don't think he knows what to think. He's either on his rug under my work table or on the back of the couch. It's been going on for a couple of weeks now and his happiest time is when I sit down on the couch to rest and he can snuggle or crawl up in my lap. Something must have clicked last Friday as we were loading the Box though. We, Ethan, Prudence and I had set up a sort of relay to get the boxes out to the Box which Ethan was loading. Prudence and I were carrying the boxes out to the front porch and when we got a stack Prudence would carry them from the porch to the Box where Ethan was loading. At one point Ethan needed items to fill in the "cracks" so I began carrying out our pictures we have packed. I carried out several loads and as I looked up to take the steps up the porch for another load, there stood Jamison at the head of the stairs. In front of him lay "Mr. Cone", his very favorite toy. Jamison willing shares everything he has with any dog that comes to visit, with the exception of Mr. Cone. The only other friend he has ever shared Mr. Cone with is Annie. Ron and Diane's dog. She can take it to be with her and he never says a word. Anyway, Jamison stood there on the porch and nudged Mr. Cone with his nose and looked up at me. My inference from this was, "If we go mom, Mr. Cone goes too!". I sat down and we had a "talk" about Mr. Cone going with him in the car but it wasn't time yet so we needed to take Mr. Cone back to the house until we were ready to go in the car. He turned around, picked up Mr. Cone and took him back to his rug under my work table and curled back up on the safety of his rug. Dad swears Jamison could talk if we'd spend time training him. He just might be right. Jamison has been one of the best gifts God has given us in the last few years. What a joy he is and we thank the Lord for him every single day. He and Annie get along so well. They're going to have a great time together. We'll probably never see Jamison. Ron

and Diane have a fenced yard. You know where he will be all day!!

 The weather here is changing rapidly. We've gone from warm Autumn to chilly Autumn. In the Northern states they are beginning to have snow already. Things are moving very quickly but our steps are sure and directed and we are forever thankful for a Heavenly Father who loves us and cares for us. 

Today is Allegra's 19th birthday! Wednesday is Sierra's 18th and Thursday is dad's 75th. I wanted to do something amazing for dad's birthday this year. I guess a 3,400 mile trip across country counts!! Just as the Lord continues to prepare us for this road trip He continues to prepare the way before us for the heavenly road trip too. Dad has so many more things He wants to do for the Lord and he is extremely excited about the things He knows the Lord has waiting for Him in California. It's good to see him full of life and wanting to tell the world about Jesus. Please continue to pray that God will direct the doctors in CaCalifornia as we try to find out what's going on with dad physically. He's having a difficult time watching me pack and not being able to do as much as he wants to help. But it's like I've told him, I'd rather have him alive and breathing than putting him in a box! I know, bad joke, but dad laughed and I know you are!!

Until next week, be Aaron, love mom

Blessings II

Good morning son. It's a late start this morning, BUT, it's a running start! Well, not literally. Let's just say it's a moving toward a goal start. The sun is beautiful this morning and shining on the turning leaves of reds and golds as they peep through the leaves of green. Autumn is here earlier than usual this year. Not only could you feel it in the air but leaves have been chancing their brilliant coat of many colors for several weeks now. Yesterday on my walk with Jamison the trees on top of the hill in the cemetery looked as though they had been set on fire. I so wish I had the time to preserve some of them in wax to take with me. But alas, I can't do everything. Did I just say that? Besides I packed the paraffin so that's not an option.

Packing is moving along fine once I completed the studio. That's usually the most difficult. The

kitchen is going to be easy. I don't really have to pack anything with the exception of the chickens and the "blue house". Grandma is giving us all of her kitchen stuff because she won't be needing it. Next weekend we're going to have a "free" garage sale. Everything we don't want to take, with the exception of some pieces of furniture, we're going to put in the front yard and on the porch and say, "come and get it". It's a good way to give back and share during these tough times. We've been truly blessed and maybe in some small way, we can share what we have and be a blessing to someone else.

Blessings are amazing events or people in our lives. 

 bless·ing  (blsng)

n.

1. The act of one that blesses.

2. A short prayer said before or after a meal; grace.

3. Something promoting or contributing to happiness, well-being, or prosperity; a boon.

4. Approbation; approval: This plan has my blessing.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2009. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

---

blessing [ˈblɛsɪŋ]

n

1. the act of invoking divine protection or aid

2. the words or ceremony used for this

3. a short prayer of thanksgiving before or after a meal; grace

4. (Non-Christian Religions / Judaism) Judaism Also called brachah brocho

a.  a short prayer prescribed for a specific occasion and beginning ``Blessed art thou, O Lord…''

b.  a section of the liturgy including a similar formula

5. approval; good wishes her father gave his blessing to the marriage

6. the bestowal of a divine gift or favour

7. a happy event or state of affairs a blessing in disguise

Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003

---

bless•ing (ˈblɛs ɪŋ)

n.

1. the act or words of a person who blesses.

2. a special favor, mercy, or benefit: the blessings of liberty.

3. a favor or gift bestowed by God, thereby bringing happiness.

4. the invoking of God's favor upon a person.

5. praise; devotion; worship, esp. grace said before a meal.

6. approval or good wishes.

[before 900]

Random House Kernerman Webster's College Dictionary, © 2010 K Dictionaries Ltd. Copyright 2005, 1997, 1991 by Random House, Inc. All rights reserved.

 

As you can see by the many definitions, blessings come in many sizes, shapes and variations. Maybe that's why we don't recognize them so many times in our lives. Taking all of these definitions into account, I wonder how long it would take us to do what the song bids us to do? 

 

Count Your Many Blessings

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one;
Count your blessings, see what God hath done;
Count your blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

 

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold.
Count your many blessings, money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your Lord on high.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

 

I know that if I ever really did what the song suggests, "count your many blessings, name them one by one", that I would ever be able to name them all. For one thing, I don't know them all. Some blessings we are never aware of. (Sorry about the preposition at the end of the sentence.) LOL  I don't know if it's because we're not paying attention or God intends it that way. If you really stop and think about it, our life is just one big blessing. We wake up every morning

to the brilliance of a universe created just for us. Well, maybe that's just a tad overstated, but not by much. We have opportunities every day that some people just dream about. We have the love and understanding of friends and family. We have the hugs of nieces and nephews. We had the unconditional love of a son that God allowed us to have enjoy for 38 years. We strive to share those blessings with others every day. Our ways may not be huge but the act of sharing our blessings any way we can is something we have always done and will continue to do.

 

Keep God's ear close about your dad's health. He's not doing well right now but hopefully tomorrow the doctor will have some answers. Your dad has been one of God's greatest blessings in my life. God brought Him out of nowhere and it's been close to 43 years of blessings and adventures. We're headed for yet another as we take off across the country in our little Subaru; me, dad & Jamison. We have blessings on the East Coast and blessings on the West Coast and blessings to come in between. We'll be more aware to count them more often and thank the Lord for them daily.

 

Until next week, be Aaron, love mom 

I'm A Child of THE King!

Good morning son! Rainy and wet here. I just imagine the sunshine, or is it sunshine? Hmm. I'd rather think things are so bright because of God's glory that you don't need light. It's funny how we always picture life in heaven as it is here on earth. I know it isn't. God is very plain about that. Maybe it just give us comfort to think of it that way because we understand it better that way. Anyway, I know it's a glorious morning and that smiles are abound and the praising and singing is like we have never heard here on earth. And you can actually understand the words without closed captioning! 

We're packing for our trip. Doing a great deal of sorting and limiting what we are taking.We're using pods this time so we can just store them rather than, load a truck, unload a truck into storage, then load a truck out of storage and unload a truck into a house. We pack up the pods and they're stored until we call for them.The Lord is providing the way, through very unexpected sources, for us to return to California. We are so very thankful to all those, and we don't know all who are involved, but we're so thankful for all they are doing and allowing God to do through them. We've loved our time here in Troy, getting to know the Troy 9, but we're just not east coast people. We're spend our entire life on the west coast, building our lives, making friends. At our ages, it's just too difficult to make this type of transition. 

We finally were able to locate some boxes yesterday and I sorted out the studio yesterday. I'm

Free craft supplies...went like a flash

about down to half of what I have. I piled everything in a pile that I want to share and posted a picture on Craigslist in FREE STUFF last night. Within about 20 minutes I had 11 requests. The posting said whoever wanted it had to take it all. The second one hit the jackpot. She'll be here this morning to pick it up. That was easy. Today I'll finish with the studio. I've laid out a schedule for packing by room and how many days it will take to pack that room(s). I didn't think I'd be able to get started until Monday because I didn't have boxes. But, if I finish up today, I'm three days ahead. That's how long I scheduled for the studio. Plus, Dad and I sorted through all of the memory boxes, two tubs and six albums of photos. We removed duplicates and sorted out one box and eight or nine envelopes of pictures that are going to other family members. Next, we'll hit dad's den. I just organized and cleaned in there so that should be easy.(She says with a laugh.) 

What is that saying, "God works in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform." He continues to amaze us. Why are we amazed? I don't know. It's not like we haven't seen God at work in our lives before. We see it everyday. Maybe it's because we don't think God cares about the desires of our hearts, just our needs. And yest He shows us every day that He cares for both. Maybe it's because we don't think we deserve to have the desires of our hearts because our needs are so great. You know how sometimes you see God working but you just know it can't be for you because there are so many of His children with needs and desires and yours are just so "low on the totem pole". I mean they're important to you, but why would God care. He has children who are in danger, who are sick; children with REAL troubles. Why would He take time with the desires of your heart when He has a world of children to tend to. I'm so thankful He's God and not me. God doesn't have to make a choice, He can do it all.

I often have thought over the years what it would have been like to have a houseful of kids. That's what dad and I wanted but God didn't see it in our lives for us. We poured every ounce of

love and care we had into you. We were able to do that because we had one child. How does a parent with many children know what each child needs in order of importance? Is it instinct? Is there an order? Families only have so much income? How does a parent decide what or who comes first? What seems like a need to a child seems like a desire to a parent. I may have told you this story before, but it bears repeating here I think. It is still just as vivid in my memory today as it was when it happened. Maybe not all the details, but the love of my parents to fulfill what I just knew what a "need" in my life. To them I'm sure it was fulfilling a desire.

Every year our church sponsored a Sunday School picnic. It was a huge event and everyone loved it. We had the usual fare: BBQ hamburgers & hot dogs, families brought potluck to go with them and my dad would take a flatbed truck to the ice company and the would "blow" crushed iced in a huge pile on the flatbed and the men of the church would load it with every kind of pop known to man at the time and ice cream cups. Everything was a nickle, if you didn't have a nickle you usually got the item anyway, and kids could eat ice cream and drink pop all day long and no one said, "haven't you had enough". There were games for the kids and adults and an annual softball game that lasted the entire afternoon. At the fair grounds when we had the picnic there, was a slope where we use to bring pieces of flat card board and slide down the slope. Most of the time you couldn't see the slope for the kids and the cardboard; either sliding down or dragging the cardboard back up the hill for another thrill down.



One year, a few days before the picnic we stopped in at a store downtown. All the family went in. I don't remember why we needed to be there but that's neither here nor there. All I remember was I spotted a pair of "peddle pushers". Oh my. They were stripes of muted pinks, yellows and greens. My eyes must have lit up like the father's in the "Christmas Story" when I saw them. I HAD to have them. I can't remember exactly how much they were. All I remember was that my life would end if I couldn't have them. I screwed up my courage and asked. There was sadness in my mom's eyes when she told me they just couldn't afford to buy them right now. Mom told me later they cost a little over a dollar if I remember right. All I knew was that my life was ending and no one cared. I must have been about 10 or 12. Just at that age. It probably broke my dad and mom's hearts to have to tell me know. Now, having been a parent, I can appreciate how painful that must have been for them. I don't remember what I said, but I do remember not being very happy and letting the world know about it for several days. To this day I don't know how they did it, but the morning of the picnic, those "peddle pushers" were laying on the end of my bed. I know they had to give something up in order to do it. Nothing was ever said. I don't know who was happier, me because I got the peddle pushers or my mom and dad because they were able to provide one of their children with the desire of her heart. I know now, because I've been a parent.

We, as parents, do everything in our power to provide for our children.Sometimes, it's letting them make mistakes, even when you know it's not in their best interest, but because they need to learn. Sometimes it's because you just want to see the joy in their eyes. Sometimes it's simply because they are your child and you love them. This is also true of our Heavenly Father. Sometimes we don't understand what God has given us until we loose it . God, in His mercy, makes all things right.

Until next week, be Aaron, love mom

God's Silence

Good morning son!  And how was your week? Time continues to be a teacher here in our world. Somethings we can only learn as time passes. Sometimes we have to repeat those lessons because we didn't learn the first time. Fortunately for us, God holds no grudges. Time is of no consequence to God, although our lives are built around it. We age with time, we grow with time, we learn with time, we struggle through time, we end with time. I guess God knew that if He didn't give us some type of measurement life would have no meaning for us. Who knows what we would do if life had no limits of time? Most likely, a world of chaos. Kids wouldn't want to go to bed, parents wouldn't want to quit work, there would just be one long expanse of what? I'm glad that was worked out for us a long time ago.

October 2nd is right around the corner, Tuesday next week. It marks your second heavenly birthday. Two years since you have been gone. It has been a long, hard struggle this last two years. A time of searching to understand. I still have none, understanding that is. But I do have more peace in living without you here than I did this time last year. I keep waiting for the pain to go away but I'm beginning to realize the pain will always be with me I'm just learning to work around it and go on. 

We had many conversations over the years the two of us. During your final months you made it

very clear that your dream for dad and I was to come here to Troy. You had your reasons, I listened. I could see your point, from that of a son who loved his parents very much. You wanted to see us settled and taken care of since you weren't going to be here to do it. I know that one thing about dying was very difficult for you and you were failing us because you couldn't do what you had always planned on doing....putting us in a home! (Made you laugh!) I thought the move was the best thing for us too and so we make the decision to come to Troy. I don't think I need to tell you how much we love the Troy 9. That is a given and that will never change. They all have been wonderful and have been an amazing help and comfort to us. But son, we just don't fit in here on the East Coast. Dad and I have spent our entire life together, 43 years in December, building relationships and friendships on the West Coast. We don't have another 40+ years to do that again. We miss those friends. We miss the family that we grew up with. We miss our traditions together. We need those people and places in our lives. Our entire life's history is in California and Oregon. We're going home. I know by now, if at all possible there in heaven, you'll understand.

For the last two years God has been silent with me. I've prayed and appealed and asked to hear His still small voice as always but He has been silent. I've known, without a doubt that He was there. I never doubted that. But He was so silent. I've never experienced anything like it. I really am not explaining it very well but a couple of months ago, in late July, I felt this great release of pressure and it was as if God was saying, it's time now, you can go home. 

I know those that don't understand a personal relationship with God are going to think I'm hearing "voices" and am off my rocker but that's for them to work out. I know what my relationship with God is and to not be able to hear his quiet, still voice is very troubling. I am so thankful to have that peace once again.

We don't know what God has in mind or how He is going to do it. But as I told you so many

times in our conversations when we were talking about "impossibilities" in our lives, we are children of a King, with unlimited resources. God can make the impossible, possible. We believe we should do everything in our power and then God picks up the rest. I've learned a great deal in the last two years. I always thought that learning patience was the most difficult of the lessons. I've come to realize that the silence of God in my life is unbearable. Sometimes God never reveals why to the lessons He takes us through. He owes us nothing, He is God, but He gave everything. The ultimate gift, the death of His Son so that I have the assurance of where I will spend the "end of time".

Until next week, be Aaron, love mom

 

To Have Belief Like Job

Good morning son! So I hear on the news this morning that today is the first day of Fall, or Autumn, which ever your preference. Dad and have spent the last two days super cleaning. When you leave your windows, as we often do, the dust, dirt and spider webs make their way in. Wood floors show too. Also, I've been drilling and sawing, just with a small handsaw, in my studio lately working on Christmas gifts. Dad's studio space...well let's just say, he had a place to sit. Our house is always a place of projects in one room or another and one project or another. I have both my crochet and flower projects in baskets under the coffee table so they are readily available in the evenings while we watch or movie or are having quiet time after devotions. I began the transition of clothes in our closets from Summer to Fall seasons and am weeding out those items that we no longer use. Now I need to bundle the non-used items and get them off to someone who can use them. Dad is working on the kitchen floor! Again and still. It certainly looks great when he gets finished though so it's worth the wait.  Jamison? Well, he's wandering around the house and trying to find a corner in which to hide and stay our of the way. His favorite place is on his rug under my work table in my studio. But if I'm sawing or drilling he's looking for another spot.

My body can tell the weather is changing. My joints ache and my fibromyalgia  is acting up but it's standard for this time of year so I just work around it. As I tell dad, "It's not as if we don't get it finished it's going anywhere. It (whatever we're working on at the time) will still be here tomorrow".

Tuesday afternoon I spent with Jamo, Dylan, Josh and Josie. It was a school day so after school

it was homework, piano practice for Josh, chores, and make lunches. While all that was going on I got Fiesta Chicken in the oven for dinner and picked and prepared fresh green beans out of their garden. Sadly it's about the end of the green beans for the season. It certainly was nice to have them again this summer.

I plan to do some sketching this afternoon. My arms and shoulders are tired from the last two days so it will be nice to just sit quietly and sketch. Dad has some emails and notes he wants to write so I see a quiet afternoon later in the day.

Grandma spent some time with Aunt Lena in Oregon during the Rim Fire and they had a great visit. But, they both ended up falling toward the end of the visit. Grandma didn't break anything but she sure is sore. Aunt Lena ended up in the hospital a couple of days and is not in a rehabilitation center. I would imagine it won't be long before she realizes she can't live alone any longer and Jim will move in to give her a hand. I'm so thankful he and Sue are there

While at church a couple of weeks ago we were given a copy of Our Daily Bread, a small devotional for daily use. Grandma use to use it every single day when I was growing up. Dad and I have been reading it together during our evening devotions. During my devotions I've been reading the book of Job. I've read this book many times before but never has it been as clear as this time. This conversation between God and Job is amazing. Job's belief and faith in God, unsurpassable. How on earth

did Job get a belief in God that strong. Well I guess if you really think about it, he didn't get it on earth, the belief had to come from the Father. Having a strong belief is one thing, holding onto it during the times Job was going through is yet another thing. God allowed the unspeakable to happen to Job. He not only lost all worldly possessions and positions, God allowed the death of his children. Loosing a child can literally rip your reality away. And yet, Job's belief in God and God's goodness remained. As many times as his friends told him to "just curse God and die", Job trusted in his belief and remained true. I've been thinking on this "belief" quite a bit this last week. Belief in God has been an integral part of my life since a very early age. My personal relationship with Him began at the age of 11, on a Palm Sunday,

when I asked Him to be my personal Savior. I know many people will not understand this relationship. There comes a time when you've talked and explained all you can and your life becomes the explanation when the words make no sense. Living the belief is more important than any words you can speak. So many times I have failed to be the example I need to be to a world that does not understand. Some may never understand and all I can do is pray and only God knows when, if and where others will make a choice for Him. I really struggle sometimes with how to make someone

understand my belief. Peoples belief systems can be so different. My belief is that God is a living being who loves me and cares for me. He is my Heavenly Father and I have a personal relationship with Him. I can call on Him for any reason. He knows my wants, needs and desires. He knows what's best for me and wants what's best for me. I am his child and I am the child of a King of unlimited resources. Where others believe they need to know every detail of God's plan, I believe I need to know God has a plan and I should do it whether I like it or not. (Now where have I heard those words before? Hmmm.) I'm not saying I walk around blindly and am led around through a ring in my nose. But what I am saying is that God provides the resources for me to know His plan; through His Word, by having conversations with Him (prayer), and by consulting and counseling with those who are well established in their like belief. God is always faithful, sometimes He guides us around circumstances and sometimes He guides us through circumstances. But my belief is that He will always be with me as I make the journey. I could not live this life without my belief in Him.

Until next week, be Aaron, love mom.

 

Sharing ~ It's Important

Good morning son! I must tell you again that Autumn is in the air. The last couple of weeks I've noticed the leaves slowly creeping into their Autumn wardrobe around the edges. Now they are just getting more blatant. Yesterday on the way to Albany we passed a tree, standing all alone along side the freeway in it's own brilliant red coat. It was absolutely breath taking. As I look our our living room window recently I have only seen the green of our trees but yesterday I noticed the faintchange in color, although faint, of the leaves giving up their green and the Autumn golds and browns appearing. It was a very wet and humid summer but we enjoyed every minute of it. 

I continue my work on the display case for your Monopoly collection. It was a very busy week last week and so I didn't get as far along as I had anticipated but I just keep on keeping on and it will get done. The sooner I get it done the better because the longer it takes the more ideas I come up with on how to "make it better". I was ready to tear the entire thing apart a couple of days ago and start all over. NOT a good idea! 

Fabric flower pins

I had tons of fabric someone had given me and the buttons I got for free on Craigslist and so I've been turning those into flowers for the Christmas Child's boxes Auntie Di is putting together for their church. I'm making fabric flower pins. It's a great project for the evening hours. I have to have something to work on in the evening if we're watching TV or a movie. I cannot just sit idle for some reason; never have been able to. I made a few for Josie to add to her treasure box she made last week and added some to headbands for her. It's been a lot of fun and it's another way to give for Christmas.

Jon & Corey's wreath

My very first complete wood project, although not complicated, was building a "wreath" backdrop for a Autumn wreath for Jon and Corey. I love making wreaths. Rather than a standard round one, I made one that has a lattice look to it and used dark autumn colors such as burgundy, browns and colds...with a touch of orange. I was pleased with the results and I do so enjoy doing things that make people happy. I was just telling dad yesterday how much I appreciated how he has always given me time and leeway to make things to give to people. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't do that. Dad will always say, "Jannie, you should make those and sell them, they're beautiful". But I get so much pleasure from making them and giving them away that he just smiles and knows. I am so thankful he understands.

There is just something about giving that cannot be surpassed. I've had great examples over the course of my lifetime. When I think back through the last many, many, many years (By the way, where have those years gone?) Givers in our family have been many. Giving and sharing are two character traits that I have known and experienced my entire life. I have been surrounded by people who love to give and share. My mom and dad were constantly giving and sharing all that they had based on the scriptural principal that everything we have belongs to our Heavenly Father and we are simply custodians. God said it very straight forward and clear when speaking to Job in Job 41:11, "Who has a claim against me that I must pay? Everything under heaven belongs to me.". 

Your dad has always been a giver and sharer. If he had something and saw a need, away it went. If there was anyway he could possibly fill a need, he did so. Since we have retired and live on the fixed income it has become more of a challenge to find ways financially to share, but we find them. Maybe not in the $100's, but we find them, and God is able to multiply whatever we're able to give and use it for his glory.

There is something about "paying forward" so to speak or "giving back" that feeds a persons soul. There's something about that look on someones face of an unexpected act of kindness that just makes you want to do more and share more. The more you do, the more you want to do. Giving and sharing is addicting. It's one addiction that I wish everyone could have. So they could feel and experience the joy of sharing and giving. I don't think there is a greater feeling in the world. Outside of seeing your child's face the day they are born that is. 

The acts of sharing and giving appear all around us every day. We just have to look for them. From unexpected placed and unexpected people. We might not recognize them right away because in today's world we not use to looking for them, but they're there. There are people everyday who share and give at great expense to themselves. Not everyone has money to give. Sometimes that's too easy anyway. It's pretty easy just to pull out your wallet and checkbook and hand over that cash or write that check. It's something altogether different to share and give your time. Time seems to be our most valuable possession. To give it, willingly is the ultimate gift. I find, in my own life, since I've been "retired" time continues to be precious, but when you share or give your time and you see the look on that child's face having spent real time with them doing something they love, or you spend time with an elderly person just visiting and letting them talk about the things that are important to them and you see the look of gratitude that you listened it's both gratifying and sad at the same time. Gratifying because you saw the opportunity and took it, sad because you see gratitude in those warm, smiling eyes. No one should have to show gratitude because someone listened to them. Listening should be one of our skills in our sharing and gift giving heart. The gift of listening is one of those things we can do that costs the most, not in dollars and cents, but of our time. It seems so difficult these days to just sit quietly and listen to someone. Our minds seems to go to all the other things we think we could or need to be doing and yet, at that moment. the most important thing we can be doing is listening, truly listening. One of the greatest gifts we can give.

Until next week, be Aaron, love mom
 

My Heart's Treasure Box

Good morning son! Well, it's a delightful 66 degrees this morning. Delightful for dad anyway! And tonight is slated for a low of 43 degrees. And yet, on Thursday it's predicted to be a high of 90 degrees and a low of 70 degrees. The humidity will probably match the high. It's definitely Autumn! Jamison and dad got sprinkled on during their afternoon walk yesterday. The weather is at the stage that he wears a light jacket "just in case" but he's not into the sweatshirt stage yet.

I spent the day with the Troy 7 on Tuesday. As I was bending down to kiss Josie good morning on the top of her head I just happened to get a glimpse of movement from the garden outside the family room windows. When I looked out I saw two, very happy puppies, jumping and frolicking throughout the garden. They were having the time of their lives. Now these "puppies" as we call them, are about six months old and are half the size of a Shetland pony!  They had a ball by the time I got in to tell Jon. And...the garden was demolished..literally! Needless to say, no more green beans this summer. Although it actually was hilarious to watch because they were having such a great time, I felt so badly for Jon and Corey. They work so hard on those gardens every year and all of that work just trampled in about 30 seconds. The puppies survived though!

I was able to buy my miter box and saw this week for some current projects. Dad installed the vise on my work table yesterday and so last night I made my first rectangular lath "wreath". Oh I know, you'll have to see to know what I'm talking about. It's a project I've been wanting to try since I picked up this bundle of wood at Habitat Re Store. I made some fabric flowers last night to use on it but as I work on it I don't know that I want to use them. I think I like the wreath best with the silk leaves and the branches from our trees. It looks more rustic for Autumn. Today or tomorrow I need to cut over 100 1" pieces of this 1"lath for Christmas projects. That should be fun (she says sarcastically). This week I begin dad's case for his Monopoly pieces. I think it's going to be a tedious but fun project. He's very excited that I'm finally getting to it. Actually, I couldn't do it without the vise and miter box/saw.

Well, I just got a challenge via text message from Corey! I keep telling her that she feeds me so much "blog fodder" that's it's a weekly struggle not to use it. But, since this is happening as I write she deserves what she gets.  Plus, this is really a normal conversation between the two of us:

Corey: Something just fell out of my hair and was crawling in my bra! So I ate it! Put THAT in your blog, duderranch!!!!! (Direct quote!)

Corey: Where is your b log anyway????

Me: I'm writing now, but some duderrancch keeps interrupting me!!

Corey: Oh. Ummm. Sorry. Not really.

Always intelligent conversations between the two of us. Not! By the way, do you have any idea what a duderranch is? Me either.
 
Well, enough of that!

This afternoon Josie and I are going to make her a treasure box. I had one, just an old cigar box I found it my grandpa's garage he let me have. I use to keep it in the old barn down in grandpa's pasture for awhile, then I moved it to under my bed. It became quite a challenge to keep that box. My mom had a rule that nothing, and I do mean nothing, was ever kept under the bed. It

inhibited her ability to vacuum. So, it meant on the days I knew she was going to vacuum I had to make sure it was moved to  my closet or a drawer. I wonder what I ever did with that treasure box/ Hmmm. I was telling Josie about it yesterday and I guess she got to thinking about it and decided she wants to make one. I have a couple of unfinished boxes here so we'll use one of those and she can decorate to her hearts content. She just lost her first tooth and received a $2 from the Tooth Fairy so that can be her first treasure to put in her box.

Treasure boxes are great. You can put all the little special things that are important to you in them. Kind of like memories in your heart. Think of your heart as your memory box. All the important things in your life are stored there. Just about the time I think my heart memory box is full, I find room for something new. At almost 65 I have come to the realization there is no way to fill up my memory box. There will always be room for something new. I add to that memory box everyday. I find lately that I reach back into the memories from years past and enjoy


reminiscing, rolling those memories around in my head as I use to take those memory items from my box and roll them around in my hand, and remember.

Each new days brings new opportunities to add to the heart's memory box. I am so glad that God created us with the ability to remember and to hold certain things dear and close to our hearts. Those things help mold us. They help us become the person God intends for us to become and be. They are a part of us forever. Those memories help us help others. They let us share with others to help them through good times and tough times. They help bring us back to reality and realize that good or bad, life changes. Those memories remind us that we have gone through tough times before and God always brings us through them. They remind us that God always answers. Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes no and sometimes wait. Those memories remind me that even though I often get off the path God intended, there is a way back. I've done it before my memories tell me, I'll probably do it again, but my God is always faithful, never waivers, I just lift up my heart, hand and eyes and God sooths my heart wipes my tears, takes my hand and leads me on...to make new memories.

Until next week, be Aaron, love mom