As I said a couple of days ago when we talked, it's been almost a year since you've gone to be with the Lord. And, it's not gotten any easier. But, in the last several days things have become much clearer. It still amazes me as to what the Lord has to do sometimes to get my attention. I've been laying here for the last several days, sicker than I have been in a long time, running 99.8 degree temp. But no matter how sick you get, one always seems to be able to think.
Before I go any further, if you're reading this, the things I am going to share here are in no way meant to be hurtful to anyone, but I do need to share them. I need to be honest, and after all, this is my blog and you have been invited to share in an open conversation between my son and me. So if you think for even a minute that there's going to be something in here that might offend you or you could use to add guilt to your own life, PLEASE DON'T READ ANY FURTHER. This letter is NOT about you. This letter is about me.
Okay son, back to our conversation. Well, I must admit, it's going to be a pretty one-sided conversation today, because you really only get to have a voice in this conversation when I give you one! lol Oh, and I'm going to warn you ahead of time, I'm going to be crying a lot during this conversation so get out your heavenly hanky, I'm going to need it.
If there is any one person in this entire world who should know that "geography changes nothing", it should be me. But what I have also learned, is a huge decision, like changing geography, can damage from many directions and it affects many others lives. I didn't realize until 2 am this morning that I caused a loss for both dad and I by moving to Troy when we did, that is going to make the healing process of loosing you almost unattainable. What I've come to realize is that by moving so quickly we left everything about you behind. All our memories, all the places you loved, all the friends you had, everything about you, we left behind. When I mention you to people I know here, they have no connection with you. They didn't know you. They didn't know the things you loved. They didn't know the people you cared about or the things you loved to do, like have breakfast together at Terese's, or tea together at the kitchen table, or watching an old horror movie, or doing fireworks, or dressing up for Halloween, or any of that. All the people, places and things that we needed to help ease the pain of your death, we left behind. All the people who knew you and cared about you, we left behind. So many things were wrong with this decision. I owe so many people an apology, beginning with the Lord. It's taken me a long time to get to the point. I owe your dad an apology. I owe my mom and extended family an apology. I owe Jon, Corey and the kids an apology. I owe you an apology. I owe myself an apology. In trying to make sure you had no more pain than you already had I made decisions that I now have to live with for the rest of my life, and unfortunately, so does everyone else. I'm going to tell you straight out. I should have been there when you were in the hospital and made the transition to heaven. I'm your mother, I was there when you came into the world and I should have been there when you left it. I wasn't because you asked me not to be and you insisted I not be. That doesn't make it right. I should have insisted more no matter how you fought, no matter how you cried, no matter how you pleaded. I mean really, I was trying to save you more pain. Really? You were dieing of cancer, how much more pain could I have inflicted by insisting? Now, I have to live with that decision and it's not pretty.
I know that you have been very sorrowful this last year to know that the Lord has taken a back seat in our lives. It's not been intentional. It's not that I set out every day saying let's just see how far I can step away, it's just kind of happened. I've just kind of let the Lord be there. I've talked with Him, He has comforted me, I couldn't have made it this far without Him, but I've not really invited Him to be active in my life. I'm sorry for that. We're in a world back here that is foreign to us and we need Him more than ever. I'm trying to stay quiet in this area and not rock the boat but I know that's not right. I don't want to intentionally rock the boat but I don't want to do away with everything I believe in either. No one is asking that I stay quiet, I just seem to be doing it. Some of my views have expanded and broadened; I do believe and support gay rights. I am continuing to broaden my interests of learning more about what others believe and why, but I don't need to negate everything I believe to do that and I feel like that's what I've been doing. I'll work on that.
I need to apologize to my mom and extended family. It's true, when I made the announcement that we were moving East I didn't ask for input. I made a statement. Right or wrong, that's the way it went. It's also true that they all know me well enough to know if they had tried to make suggestions at that point it wouldn't have done them any good. I apologize to all of you that you don't feel comfortable sharing your feelings with me. I wished someone, anyone, had pushed that envelope though. Right now your Uncle Ron and Auntie Di and grandma could really use the help. I'm not saying that I'm it, I'm just saying that I eliminated that possibility by the choice that I made. I thought I was thinking everything through but I guess one mind doesn't work as well as many. I wish people could read minds, maybe I could have read some of friends and family and I would have really seen they're concerns and would have paused and thought; maybe not. I'm responsible, no one else. Dad, feeling guilty for all the moves and transitions throughout our lifetime together, left the decision to me. My fault, I should have insisted he be truthful and honest. Not his responsibility, mine.
To Jon, Corey, Sierra, Jamo, Hunter, Josh, Trey, Dylan and Josie. I apologize to all of you. I allowed the wishes of Aaron to create an extra burden for all of you. Yes, we love each other and we have a great time together. But we could have done all of that without adding the extra burden and responsibility to your shoulders. "Hush now Corey, and let me say what I want to say." I can still hear you! I love you and I understand and I don't doubt for a minute that you love us and care about us. That has never been in question. But our lives are so different. I can't keep up:) Believe me, I've tried. If it weren't for you and Jon and the kids and your love, I don't know where Uncle and I would be right now. Thank you for everything all of you have done and continue to do. Uncle and I (and he says I can speak for him here) will strive to continue to build a good life here and be all that we can be. It's a lot slower going than we anticipated but it's all about the journey.
I owe an apology to all my friends in Springfield OR. All the things we planned on doing together when we all retired, I ran out on. I'm the one who's missing out. I didn't realize how much I would miss all of that and all of you. There isn't a day goes by that I don't think and wonder about each and every one of you. I don't know how many times a week Ray and I wish we could go have a cup of coffee or lunch at Terese's. Or Sandy, how I wish we could go have lunch and not have to worry about getting back to work on time. Ginger, Jamison misses you and we miss seeing the joy in your eyes when he came to your house for a play date with Holly and Boomer. Paula & Mary, we miss all of you. You were a stabilizing force during Aaron's illness. We always knew that no matter what the time, night or day, we could call you and you were there for Jamison and us. We knew he was safe and well taken care of no matter how long we needed. We can never tell you or express to you how much that meant to us. Thank you. Barb McGee, I feel like I've totally lost a 20 year friendship. How on earth did I let that all happen? What was I thinking? All I knew at the time was that I just wanted the pain to stop and I didn't see any other way except to run away as far as I could. So I did. I'm sorry for that.
My energy level this last year has not been what I thought it would be. Fortunately I have a part time position at Corey's firm here in Troy.I can't begin to say what that has meant to me. My interests have totally changed. All the baking and cooking I thought I was going to do when I retired. Yeah, remember all that! I no longer have any interest in the kitchen....at all! Can you believe that. Crafting, no interest. Don't choke on your adam's applie! I truly have no interest. I've been struggling with a decision for a long time and it finally all became very clear this morning at 2 am. I've been trying to figure out how to make everyone happy...I can't. So, after much prayer and lengthy discussions with your dad, I feel comfortable with the plan that I'm sharing with you here.
1. I'm dissolving Auntie Jan Creations. I'm dispersing all the assets (such as they are), donating all remaining stock, I've already closed my Etsy store, I'll file the final NY sales tax 31 August 2012 and will close the bank account when all items have cleared.
2. Dad and I will be making plans for a "trip" every month. Our intention on coming East was to see where our country was born, making memories together, spend time together, travel together; not sitting in a studio making memories for others. The idea of taking our wares to different venues was our plan. In the last year neither of us want to physically do all that. We want to go to the fair, enjoy the experience and come home. I loved that while I did it, but I'm ready to move on. If we need a gift or a card for someone we care about, I'll find it on the journey.
3. Next Spring, look for a smaller, efficiency apartment. The truth is, although people may want to come for a visit, it's very costly and dad and I understand that. But, we don't need to pay for or spend our time cleaning and caring for space that we don't need. We could be using those additional resources to enjoy being out in the world. We've reignited our dream to see Washington DC. We're so close we need to make it happen.
To everyone who has supported us over the years with your prayers, comforts and love we are so very grateful. We love you all so very much and ask that you continue to support us through your love and prayers. We will strive to continue to study and be all that God wants us to be. And that we will consider Him in all our plans and we make a life, truly reflective of Him, here in Troy, our place in our journey.
until Sunday son, be Aaron, thanks for listening, love mom
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