Memories

Yup, I have them too. Memories...those things that we believe we are creating for our children as they grow. Guess what folks, a great many of those memories God created and is creating for me for the future. He won't tell me the future but He's always planning for my future. He's amazing, isn't He. I believe memories to be one of the way's He prepares me for what will happen in my life.

Sometimes people think they have no good memories. Guess what folks, strain your brain, they're there. Even in the worst of times there can be the memory of sitting on a park bench and watch a child play with a puppy. If life has been "bad" your "whole" life, just think harder. If you have trouble, ask people to call them to your attention during conversations. What you might discount could very well be a good memory you're just unwilling to admit you're experiencing or have experienced. Build a bank of those memories. God is giving them to you because one day He knows you're going to need them.

Now, having said that I have a few I will be sharing should you take passage through my blog. Like I said before, you don't have to read them, that's absolutely your option. However, I must share them in hopes that they will provide a light to others.
Children are one of the wonders of God. He gives them to us to help us light our way. They provide joy, sometimes heartache. They show us wonder through their eyes. They see things every single day that we would miss because we're adults and we busy ourselves with adult things and forget that sometimes it's okay to be childlike and enjoy the wonders God has put for us here to enjoy; a rainbow, a ladybug, a green leaf twirling in the wind and looks silver, how a dog "smiles". Don't miss them, the children or the things they see. Children aren't children forever. They grow up and go on to lives of their own. When our son "left the nest" after high school to begin building a life of his own I almost crumbled. I never thought I would. I thought because I had such a strong Christian faith and had studied and read that I would be immune to all those feelings and would just happily go on with my life and enjoy him being him and creating a life of his own. Truth is, I would have liked to have kept him right there with me, enjoying him as I had his entire life. Was it selfish? Yes. Did I care then? No. Would it have been the very best for him? No. Did I care at that point? No. But I released him to the world trusting that everything he had be taught would hold fast. And I'm here to tell you, it did. God is great and true to His word. "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

The Rug
The rug that I walk on beneath my bare feet
Has a story to tell, too precious to keep
It tells of the days and of times gone away
But holds close to the memories that we make here each day
It remembers the child we prayed for and held
The times he walked and the times he fell
The times with courage he took a step
When we just knew, he'd break his neck
The times he ran 'round the Christmas tree
And the times he bounced on his daddy's knee
The times he ate and left a trail,
He got swatted...and let out a wail
The times we shared with friends and folk
The times we couldn't because we were broke
The sunshine, the rainbows; the friendships, the tears
The rocks and the pebbles, the laughs and the cheers
As time passes on and the years go by
It's important to remember, the memories--you and I
I know this rug often smiles to iteself
As I add to the pictures or add to a shelf
I know it remembers as the people walk through
The times people shared with me and with you
The aunts, the uncles, the cousins and such
The joys the tears, we shared so much
The bright shiny days as our lives intertwined
And even the times we forgot to remind
This rug that I walk on and lays 'neath my bare feet
Remembers a lifetime of memories so sweet
As the days pass along the memories should too
But it that's to happen there's still more to do
Since rugs can't talk and share what they've seen
It's important for us to share how it's been
The next generation cannot possibly know
The importance of memories if we don't teach them so.
Jan Jamison July, 1998

A New Day, A New Age

Well, here I go...into yet another unknown world, the world of blogging. If someone had told me just a year ago that I would be writing on my own blog I would have told them they didn't know me as well as they thought they did. And yet, here I find myself. It's interesting to be sitting here writing knowing that anyone can read my thoughts and ideas that I share. And yet, at this point in my life, it's something I want to do and feel like it's another way to express thoughts and feelings that may at some given point, help someone else.

My son is dying. He's 37 years old, had more talent in 16 oz of his body that most people have in their entire body, loves and serves the Lord with all his heart, soul and mind, loves his family, loves his wife, and yet he's dying. I know all the "right" answers. I know he's going to a "better life"...he's still my son, and he's still dying. Cancer is ugly and unforgiving. I can't control it. I'm a mother, I'm suppose to be able to fix it. That's what mothers do, fix things. I can't fix this and I am totally NOT happy with that. Yes, I know the Lord won't give me any more than I can handle. Yes, I know I should choose joy. Yes, I know that I've should be happy to have had him for 37 years and there are many people out there who have not had the privilege of even having children. Yes, I know I dedicated him to the Lord when he was born. Yes, yes, yes, I know all of that! I'm a mother and I should be able to fix it and my son is still dying.

I cannot even begin to imagine my life without Aaron. He has been the joy of my life for the past 37 years. There has not been a day go by that I have not been proud of him. I love the fact that he can speak his mind with honesty and do it in love. It's something I can't even picture, my world without him in it.

I have all the right answers but I don't have the answer. I know that doesn't make sense but it makes sense to me. Guess you can probably tell that I'm really angry right now. I go through each day doing the right thing, going to work, smiling, laughing, doing the daily tasks and trying to hide the fact that I'm very, very angry. Actually, I'm getting pretty good at it. Some days though it takes every single ounce of strength I can muster to even get out of bed. My husband knows and understands and for that I'm truly thankful. Some days are more difficult than others for both of us. We love and support each other, always have and always will. I couldn't get through this with the Lord and without my hubby.

Well, I've rambled long enough. It's one of those nights that I could write and never stop. I find solice in the fact that if you don't want to read this you don't have to, but I have to write it so I will. Tomorrow will be a better day.