Thanksgiving and the Rock

The prep for the annual dressing is complete.  Now all I need is my "mixer" to come home from his haircut appointment so he can mix it up.  He'll more than happily do it 'cause he's hoping I'll put just a small dish in the over so he can "test" it tonight before we serve it tomorrow.  It's my mom's recipe and it never gets old...Cornbread dressing with Jimmy Dean Sausage.  Yum!

 Now it's on to the Cranberry Jello Salad.  Another yummy mom's recipe with lots of celery and walnuts.  It's the best side dish ever to turkey and was one of my grandpa's favorite.  Then to the sugar free pumpkin pie, Chocolate Applesauce Cake full of walnuts and raisins and last but not least, sausage balls.  If I ever forgot to make the sausage balls or the dressing I'd have to find another family!

It's going to be a fun-filled weekend full of laughter, friends, family and joy...because that's what we're choosing.  I have no idea what next week will bring, it's hanging heavy over our heads.  But we do know that tomorrow is the special day we've set aside to be thankful. So we're going to take special notice of the day and give a special thanks for the last year especially!  We're able to do something again this year that we didn't think would be possible last year, we're celebrating the holidays once again with our son!  What's not to be thankful about that?

The Lord answered another prayer today, He gave Kristin a job that she'll be very good at doing and something she knows well.  Although it was a very difficult decision and it wasn't easy to do I know that God will give her the strength to persevere. Only God knows why the things in our lives happen in the order they do...and it's probably a very good thing.  This thing we call "faith" that we hang on to so tightly isn't always wrapped in the face of happiness.  Faith is always about stepping out into the unknown, but always knowing that God always puts the rocks out there for us to land on.

With that said, "Happy Thanksgiving" to all.  Enjoy the days with family and friends knowing that God is in charge and the "rocks" are there if we but have the faith to step out.  Not easy; always necessary!

Jannie, note to self, the rocks are there!  Use 'em!

Holidays and Peanuts

Sugarfree eggnog, pumpkin pie, dressing, turkey, cranberry jello salad the joy of the Lord and the "Peanuts" characters...that's what our Thanksgivings and Christmases have been made of.  I don't think we've had a Thanksgiving or Christmas without the Peanuts characters.  They've always been one of Aaron's favorites from the time he was very little.  Nothing has changed.  Ray and I still want to buy everything we see at this time a year that has anything to do with Peanuts.  Can't do it but doesn't mean we don't think about it and when we do we relive the many, many holidays we've all had together.

I just woke up this morning and see by the post on Facebook that our son has been at the emergency room all night.  I'm so thankful he has Kristin with him.  They love each other so very much.  At first I was really ticked to think that he had gone through the entire night at the ER without calling us.  I know in part that he didn't want to wake us up in the middle of the night, I know that if anything had happened Kristin would have called.  I know all of that, but once again, I'm a mom and the need to be there is very, very strong. 

As you can probably tell, I'm not having a very good day. It started when I got up this morning.  I was in tears before I even hit the shower.  Things are becoming just a little too real.  I know the reality. Somedays now, more now than a year ago, I find myself in tears.  It doesn't take anything to start them rolling.  I'm trying so hard to get into the spirit of the season...I hope it gets better because right now I just don't have it in me.  I'm so tired of crying. I want it all to go away.  I know that Aaron loves the Lord and that the Lord loves him dearly.  I just want him here.  I shouldn't have to be talking about death, cremation, painting urns and no future with my son.  I should be talking about his expanding career, he and Kristin buying a house, establishing a family.  This is going to sound very selfish I know, but why can't I have that.  Everyone else gets it.  My sisters have it, my brother has it, my nieces and nephews have it.  Why can't I have it with my son?  What did I do in my life that God would take my son in the prime of his life?  Why would he give him all the talent he gave him and then take it all away.  Why? 

I'm putting up a pretty good front because that's what everyone expects to see from me.  But I don't really care about anything anymore.  Doesn't matter if we have things.  Doesn't matter if I have a home.  Doesn't matter about a fancy car.  Doesn't matter about anything.  I'm making all the motions that everyone needs to see but I don't really care.  People want to hear that I'm doing okay so that's what I tell them.  I love them for caring and being there but I can't be honest about feelings face to face because I never would stop crying.  Most days I'm just barely hanging on.  I go through my day and do what I have to do but it gets more difficult every day.  My mind isn't sharp and clear.  I loose my train of thought.  I forget then I get frustrated.  I'm out of answers.  My goal is just to make it through one day at a time.

I want those days back filled with laughter, thinking about the future, thinking about a grown son and how the Lord will use him and his talents, about having holidays in his home with his family, about doing all the things families get to do together.  I'm selfish and I want that.  I miss my son already.

I try not to post my real feelings because I feel like everyone expects me to always have a happy, cheerful attitude.  I also try not to say what is really in my heart because I know Aaron reads my blog but today son, I apologize.  I don't want you to feel worse or that you're "letting me down".  You are not!  You want these same things and I know you have the same wants.  I love you dearly.  Please excuse your sad mother this one travel into self-pity.  mom

Just for Today Lord

Well, here's this big blank page again...my mind is going in a thousand directions.  I need to shop for supplemental insurance for Ray, complete my 23 page application for my PERS retirement, attend a PERS meeting for those retiring within the next year, schedule a one-on-one meeting with PERS to make sure the 23 pages are filled out correctly, complete all my documentation work so my replacement will know what, how and why I did what I did, continue packing, get ready for Thanksgiving, get ready for Christmas, celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary, celebrate the  New Year, have my 62nd birthday and retire.  All within 46 remaining working days.  I think my life is going to continue to be quite full!

We spent the morning with the kids this morning.  Kristin and I went to lunch and Ray brought home lunch so he and Aaron could have lunch together.  We came back home and packed a few things.  Tomorrow I'll finish the bookcases and get them on Craig's List.  Today I listed the iron double bed in the spare room on Craig's List.  We're making progress.  The real scary thing is the garage.  Going out to the garage is like the little boy in Home Along going down to the basement!  I think that stuff actually multiplies when we're not looking.

I really love being at home. I love doing things in my home and spending time here.  I really love managing my own time and getting up when I want and going to bed when I want.  I use to be a morning person.  I'm finding I'm not really a morning person any more.  On the weekends if I get up and around by 10am I'm doing really good.  If I'm really lucky I talk Ray into getting in the shower before I do so I can write or read the paper and drink coffee just a little bit longer.  I use to be at work during the week by at least 7:15am.  Now I'm lucky if I drag my butt through the door right at 8am.  Sure doesn't seem to bother me though.  I'm sure glad we live within a mile of work or I'd probably be late every day.  That would be something for me.  I think I've only been late to work once in my entire work life.  Growing up, we were always at least a half hour early to everything.  You never knew when you'd have a flat tire on the way ya know.

Jamison is curled up on his favorite rug on the floor sound asleep.  Ray is reading...and evidently, I'm writing.  All is quiet with our world right now and it feels very peaceful.  I am so thankful for and have so very much enjoyed this laptop.  I can sit here with Ray and Jamison and do whatever I need to do and not have to go into the other room to do it.  Besides that, it's freezing cold in the studio and toasty warm here in the living room.

As you know, we've begun our annual pilgrimage through all of our Christmas movies.  We began with Home Alone then National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and last night Christmas Vacation 2 (I think they probably made that one out of boredom...at least that's why we finished it).  Tonight we watched one we'd never seen before, "The Christmas Cottage".  If you haven't seen it I highly recommend it.  It's the story of how Thomas Kincaid found his muse.  It's a great story and has a wonderful cast.

Well, enough babbling.  Time to get on with another Christmas movie.  See you later!