Hearts of Pain and Joy!

Good morning son! Mom here!  How are things in heaven this morning? It's been a busy and fruitful week for dad and I. Hope it's been the same for you. I look forward to the time when we can sit down by the River of Life, under a shaded tree, with a fishing pole in our hands and you can tell me all about your heavenly adventures since you've been gone. I know they've been many. Can't wait to hear your laughter, have a hug and see your smile. I know God is enjoying all of those. You are such a joy-filled kid, and yes, I did say kid. I know you were a man when you left us, a great man of God, but you're still my kid.

It's been cold, colder and coldest here in New York this past week. However, it didn't slow down dad and Jamison from their daily walks with the exception of one day when it was -10 with the wind chill factor. My fibromyalgia won't let me do THAT cold so I only made it one day. But, it's warming up this week into the 20-30's so I'll bundle up and head out with them. As you know, Jamison loves the snow. He jumps from one pile to another and almost disappears he's so short. Dad brings him back and I warm up the shower and melt all the snow and ice that has frozen onto his legs and feet with the warm water. He loves it!

Josie and I started on our Valentine's Day surprise last night.I think she used 5 bottles of paint, dark pink, light pink, silver, red, & blue on one 4" salt dough heart. She got a beautiful color out of it but I hope she never wants to duplicate the color cause I don't think we could duplicate it! Can you see the tongue? No matter how hard she tries not to, the tongue sticks out the entire time she's painting. Must be the creative gene. We played computer games. Diane Acosta, not Atkins, found a website of kids games, Josie's Game Board, so we played computer games, we watched Disney's "I Carley" and a few others, we talked and about 9 pm she crawled up in my lap and was about done in. She's not taking naps any more. She turned 5 on Friday don't ya know. Did you see that birthday party? Have you ever seen a little girl have that much fun at a party? She's all glam, glitz and frills at this point. And so much fun!  She's asked for a bed here at Uncle and Auntie's so I've come up with a plan to make one that will fit in front of one of the windows in my studio. Now it's about getting things together and putting it together. We need to have a least one more "play date" to work on Valentine's so we can get our surprise put together and paint more hearts.

Hearts. They have always been an important piece of life for me. I've had the adventure of my physical heart trying to "overdo", three heart ablations, a trip to Oklahoma Medicall Center for the last one, the scare of my heart beating four times faster than it should and your dad being so frightened but the only thing he could do was pray. I've had all that, but you know what I think of more than that? I think about the heart in each of us, more than the physical heart, the "heart" within us that helps make us who we are. That piece of us that says who we are and directs how we lead our lives and treat others. That imperfect essence of our being that dictates the decisions and choices that we make every single day. We've all made bad decisions and choices. Whether we like it or not, we make them and whether we like it or not, we live with the consequences. But, I like to think that although I make bad choices and decisions, it is seldom and the good choices that my heart allows me to make far exceed the imperfect and bad ones.

Although we sometimes view our hearts as being fragile, I prefer to think of mine as strong. And although I sometimes get my heart broken it's because I choose to put my heart out there and take chances with it. God can heal hearts. God does heal hearts. It doesn't always happen when we expect it. Sometimes it takes a very long time....according to our timeline, but in actuality, it's always perfect timing, because God only works in perfection. I like my heart.And although it can be broken and chipped and hurt, I wouldn't change my heart. God gave it to me. He has molded it according to what I will need for the life He has given me. He cares for it and comforts me when it's hurt and broken, just like my earthly father did. 
  
Joy comes from the heart when someone exercises their heart.  Sometimes joy comes through pain. Not always, but sometimes. I think I sometimes require a broken heart so I can recognize the joy. Joy comes in many forms and sometimes though someone. Hearts and joy have always been a part of our lives, yours, dad's and mine. And although heaven has you now, thanks for sharing your heart while you were here.

Until next week, be Aaron, love mom

I Find Comfort In These Things

Good morning son! And just how are you this fine freezing morning? I know, no freezing in heaven; only bright and sunny....always. How great that has to be, perfect weather forever. Since we really don't know what that looks like here I don't know how I think it would be great, but it's heaven, so great all the time it is.

It's been somewhat of a quiet week around here. That's great as far as I'm concerned. I've spent a lot of time in my studio this week...just like I planned when I thought about retirement. Josie has her 5th birthday January 25th and so I'm gearing up for that. I made a sign that says, "Sassy Girl" (fits, don't ya think) and a couple of items to hold all of her headbands and all her hair paraphernalia. She's a little girl, there's a lot of it. I saw some things on Pinterest  that I thought would be super cute. And they turned out super cute just as I thought. Now I'm on to Valentine's Day. I promised Josie that next Saturday when mom and dad go on "date night" we'd work on Valentine's Day gifts so I'm gearing up and getting things ready.

Week before last when dad and I were in Albany we stopped by Habitat for Humanity Resale Store. I've been looking for a hutch top, I already have the bottom that Corey and Jon gave me, so I could get my glassware out of storage and put away. I've been looking for over a year, but I needed something with glass front doors and very, very cheap. The piece the "kids" gave us is huge, dark wood with a black marble top. I wanted something that at least came close. I found it! And guess what? It was only $20! God is good. It's been over a year, but it couldn't fit more perfectly. Next was getting it home. It's 60" wide and 48" tall. We have a Subaru. Need I say more? When it comes to "eye-balling" things though, I do have a pretty good eye. I knew it would be tight but was sure it would fit. I don't think dad was so sure. We had the car full of the monthly purchase of groceries and paper goods so knew we'd have to make a return trip. We paid for the hutch top and had a week to pick it up. We went back last Tuesday. I took out the vanity screen before we left the house and off we went. When the guys came out to the loading dock with the hutch top they stopped up short, took a look at the car and said to dad, "Did you measure to see if this would fit?" Dad, "No, but my wife says it will." So the man proceeded to measure, shook his head and called for help. They decided to lay it on top of the wheel wells (which I had already planned) slid it in and needed about one more inch to be able to close the back of the car. I adjusted our front seats about one inch, they closed the door, shook their heads and we headed home.

Dad and I were able to slide it out of the car onto the porch and slide it into the house. I couldn't lift it because my shoulder was locked down to my side with bursitis so David came down from upstairs and helped dad lift it up the four feet to get it on the top of the buffet and voila' when it's all cleaned up it looks like it was made to go together. Thank you Lord! Another example for me of trusting  and trying my faith. Could God have given that to me without me spending $20? Absolutely. Would He have? I don't know. All I know is that my Heavenly Father knows the desires of my heart and I knew at that moment, when I saw the hutch top, that it was the perfect fit so I bought it and took it home. 


Someone told me years ago that it is wrong to "presume" on our Heavenly Father . I've tried to live that way. We taught you that way. Don't take an action you questions and then expect your Heavenly Father to "bail you out". But you know what. That was wrong. I think you actually learned that long before I did but you never said anything. But, I saw how you depended on your Heavenly Father. How you trusted Him. I heard you pray. I heard you tell your story to others and in those stories I saw your faith and how you trusted your Heavenly Father. Looking back now and thinking about relationship you had with your Heavenly Father has made me take some "second looks" into my relationship with my God and Heavenly Father. Here's what I've concluded. I consider my relationship with my father growing up and later to be a great one. I loved him very much and I have no doubt that he would have done anything in his power to make my life better and to protect me. Even when I didn't deserve it. Even when I did something I knew was something that was contrary to his teaching I knew I could count on him to "bail me out". Certainly there would be consequences, but I never ever doubted that he would be there for me.

If my Heavenly Father loves me more than my earthly father, because God's love is perfect, then why should I not be able to presume on my Heavenly Father? Why should I not be able  to go to my Heavenly Father and say, "I screwed up big time and I need you to bail me out. I know there will be consequences to my actions. I know that you love me and want what's best for me. I'm sorry, please forgive me." Why can I not say that and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will. I don't have to wonder if He will. I should be able to count on Him just like my earthly father. I should never, ever have to question whether He will be there for me. You taught me that. Thank you.

Just like I respected my earthly father and would have done nothing intentionally to disrespect him, I will do nothing intentionally to disrespect my Heavenly Father. But, for me, it's great to know that I can count on Him and "presume" that He's always there for me, no matter what!

Until next week, be Aaron, love mom
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Learning Makes Us Who We Can Become

Good morning son! And how are you this fine foggy morning? Yes, I said foggy. It reminds me of waiting for the school bus. I'd get all ready for school, get hair all done and by the time the school bus came my super fine hair was hanging straight. I use to hate that. There was simply no way to have my hair look half way decent by the time I got to school. Oh well, that's time past. I've found a way now. Let come what may: rain, snow, sleet, sun, fog, keep it cut short and no problem! Only took 64 years to learn that. The important thing is, I did learn. I am learning.

Dad and I are claiming a "day of rest" today. I think we overdid it just a bit yesterday trying to get all the Christmas organized and put away. True, we don't have anywhere near as much to put away as we did have. We use to begin decorating for Christmas the 1st of November so we could get it all done. The last time dad and grandpa put up Christmas lights in Oakdale we put up over 10,000 lights in the front yard. Those were the days! We loved doing it, but over the years we've learned that it's physically not possible to get up on ladders, climb stairs, reach over our heads and do all of that for 6 weeks straight to get it all put up. Yesterday we reorganized our storage room upstairs and made room to put all the Christmas against the back wall. We learned this year that one of the reasons it takes us so long to get things out and decorate was because we not only had to carry it all upstairs (about 20 tubs), we then had to carry it all back downstairs. Just the thought of having to do that slowed us down. So, we learned, ya wanna decorate, make it all accessible with a 64 and 74 year old in mind! We're not in our 30's anymore "Toto". 

The other thing I've learned this week is that it's important to put into action what you've learned. I've always teased dad about analyzing. He can analyzing something until it turns into ash! I spent the last 10 years of my work life with analyzers. Sometimes it seemed as though they spent so much time analyzing they could never produce a product. As I was looking through Pinterest on line yesterday, and I so love to see what ideas other comes up with, it dawned on me, I could very easily be one of "those people". I could spend so much time looking and "pinning" that I never put any of the great ideas into an actual product. Learning is something we should always do, without question. But, at some point, we have to put that learning into action.

Great-grandpa was close!

The point in all of this, in case you missed it, is that we've learned. We continue to learn. Your great-grandpa use to say, "If you think you know it all you might as well be dead. We should never stop learning."  Learning is such an important piece of growing up. Learning is what keeps us going and growing. I'm learning and discovering something new about myself everyday. Yesterday, it was that I can't do everything, all at once, that I use to do even 10 years ago. I can do most of it, just not as fast as I use to. When I do, it causes physical pain. I've learned that it's very important for me to realize that dad can't do it all as quickly as he did 10 years ago. When he does, he has physical pain. I've also learned that it's not really that important to "get it all done right now". When we don't slow down, it causes leg cramps, back aches, knee pain and can "put us out of commission" for longer periods than if we just slowed down and took a little longer to get it done. It eventually gets done and we don't suffer. Sounds pretty simple huh. Yup, but sometimes what you think you can still do overrides what your body is actually able to do. But, although sometimes the lessons are hard learned, they are hopefully, eventually, learned.

It's important that we have good people and resources to guide us as we learn. We all begin with our parents. Some of us are very fortunate in that respect, some not so fortunate. (Ouch! I just tried to stretch and raise my hands over my head. Mistake! Another reminder of a lesson learned.) Anyway, as we progress through life, no matter what age, we have people and resources in our lives that guide us and help us learn life lessons. As we get older and are able to seek out resources for ourselves it's important that we seek our the right people and resources. Hopefully the adults in our lives have given us the opportunity to ask, knock and seek. To ask the questions that may be difficult to answer but that we have the freedom to ask. To knock at the doors of opportunities that we might think are not available to us, but the courage to knock anyway. And freedom. The freedom to be who we are, who we want to be. The freedom to question and trust. To be who we are and love who we choose. The freedom to seek wisdom behind those doors where we have the courage to knock and the trust in ourselves to know that we are a person of strength and character because we have learned.

Until next week, be Aaron, love mom

It Is What It Is

Good morning son. I wish you could start this conversation this morning. I feel more like listening than talking. It's the week of taking down Christmas and putting things away. I was sick last week so I didn't get anything done. Got almost everything packed yesterday and what isn't packed is in the general vicinity of the tubs and wrapping materials. Although it doesn't look like much left I know it will take the rest of the day to complete and get downstairs; if we get it all done at all. Then comes the cleaning. Dad kept up as best he could while I was gone and did a good job but it's time to really do the deep clean.  Josie was over yesterday afternoon and helped. She's quite the little packer. We took a break and watched a "werewolf" movie and she played with her Barbies quite a bit. She was pretty quiet all afternoon but we had a good time. 

You and dad always decorated the tree. This year, dad did it. As I took the ornaments off the tree yesterday it took me by surprise as to how many ornaments we actually have. Although I was so tired at that point I must say, I really enjoyed wrapping each one and thinking back to when we got it and what it meant. It was really a lot of fun.

I know that memories are a good thing and that we make them so we'll have them to draw on when we need them. Sometimes  though.....

I don't know what this new year is going to bring and from what I've experienced over the last 63 years, that's okay with me. I was hoping to begin the new year "reved" and ready to go. Instead, I feel tired and worn out. So far it feels like it's just going to be more of the same. I so try to keep a positive attitude and to choose joy but rather than getting easier, it seems to be getting more difficult. I'm not alone, I know that. Economics for everyone is very difficult right now. I think more and more people are living from paycheck to paycheck every single day. You go to the grocery store and eggs are $3/dozen, milk is close to $4/gallon, apples are close to $1/each. By the time you pay your house payment and all the insurances: health (if you can afford it), home-owners, life, renters and your medications, three quarters of your income is gone. Does it help being in heaven and having a "birds eye view"? Can you see what's happening down here? I know you can't do anything, and I don't expect you to, just wondering. I know this sounds like a real "downer" but sometimes, I just need to share with you because I know you have a heavenly heart and body now and it won't bring you down. I'm so glad you have a heavenly body and aren't hurting any more but I have to tell you, I am very, very angry that you are gone.

Anyway, on to the new year. Like I said, I have no idea what this new year is going to bring and for that I really am grateful. I just pray that with whatever the year brings God gives me the grace and the strength to endure it. Right now, at this very moment, I don't have what it takes. I know this will pass and I will be what I need to be when I need to be it. But sometimes I need for it to be okay to not be the strong one, the responsible one and the positive one. What was it you use to say? "God has a plan, I may not like it, but I'm going to do it." I don't know how that's going to fit into my life this year, and to be honest, I don't know if I have the strength any more to do it.I don't know where you got yours. I don't know how you stayed so strong. I think maybe you have to want to.

Thanks for being my sounding board this morning. I know this has not been a very positive conversation but thanks for letting me ramble on and say how I'm feeling at this very moment. Thanks for knowing and believing that "this too shall pass" and in the next moment I will be fine, I'll get right back on that proverbial horse and ride again with a strong will and clear mind. Thanks for knowing and believing that your mom is stronger than she knows and that she loves and trusts the Lord BUT, she's only human.

Until next week, be Aaron, love mom