Resting in God's Plan

Today is the 40th anniversary of the day my hubby Ray gave me my engagement ring. From August to December of 1970 was a whirlwind.  I didn't know life could be so exciting.  We had so much fund discovering that world together. It was a time of learning, sharing and depending on each other.  I cannot believe where the last 40 years have gone.  They've not been boring....EVER!  Life has been challenging but we've made it this far and I am looking forward to the years ahead that God gives us together.  I don't know how I would ever make it life without the Lord and my hubby.  He is my true soul mate.  I knew that the moment I saw him in Santi's Camera Shop in Watsonville CA.  I have never doubted it for one single second in the last 40 years.  That in and of itself is one amazing fact.  We still love being together.  We are each others best friend.  We like traveling together.  We make each other laugh.  We cry together, plan together and dream together.  It doesn't get much better than that.

Now we're on a journey together than we neither dreamed about or planned.  It's one of those things that
happens in life that there is no way, even if we had known, that we could have planned on.  It's a very sorrowful journey and a journey that only God knows why we have to make it.  We might never understand what God's purpose is in the journey.  Is it fair that we have to take this journey. We would definitely say no, but then again, what in life is ever fair? We would never wish this journey on anyone else so I guess, in that sense, it's fair.  God will take us through it, fair or not.  He has a purpose and a reason, we'll probably never know what that is.  It has to be enough that God has a reason and a purpose.

So this Halloween we continue this journey that God has established before our lives began.  We celebrated today with Aaron and Kristin, calls from family and just enjoyed being together.  Tonight we'll enjoy seeing all the kids laughing and running as they enjoy a night of make believe. We'll remember all the halloweens in the past 40 years and the fun we've had; costume parties, taking Aaron trick or treating, laughing with the neighborhood kids as they run and shriek and yell as someone steps out from around the corner.  Halloween was always a favorite holiday growing up.  I don't remember ever having a store bought costume, we made them from what we had.  We must have been Red Skelton's the "Freddy Bum" character half our childhood.  It didn't matter.  We couldn't wait until dad got home from work and dinner was over so we could head out to all the neighbors and pick up those delicious treats; homemade candy apples, popcorn balls, taffy, fudge, caramel.  They never ceased to amaze us.  Our parents encouraged us to be kids and have a great time.  They didn't make the holiday anything other than it was...a great night to spend with friends and get more sugar than any child should have in a year!

What a life we've had and memories we've made.  We wouldn't change one single minute of it.  God has a plan!

How Dare You!

Right now I am raging with anger a mother should never have to experience.  I've just read my son's blog that he wrote last night. http://judasforgiven.blogspot.com

Someone, he doesn't even know, has written him an email and basically said, "I'm tired of hearing from you and about you.  Stop your whining and die".  How dare you! How dare you even suppose you know what he is dealing with.  How dare you even suppose you know the pain he's in.  How dare you!

I would not wish what my son is going through right now on anyone else.  I would not wish it on any other wife or parent  and yet there are thousands out there dealing with the same thing.  How dare you suppose that you know anything about the pain we all experience every day.  How do you think you would feel and deal  with the fact that every single minute of your life you constantly have to think about your death;  knowing that you could die at any moment from something you  have no control over.  Yes, you could get hit by a bus when you're crossing the proverbial road.  However, you have the choice to look both ways before crossing that road and make the decision to cross or not cross.  My son has lost those choices.

How would you like your options to be, " do I want to take another drug that makes me sick all the time, leaves me where I don't know anymore what it feels like to not be nauseated,  leaves me in rashes so painful I can barely move, splits the skin on my hands and feet until they bleed, leaves me so weak I can barely move (and yet last night before he got your email he set his cane aside, got down on his hands and knees and changed the tire on their car that had blown knowing how much pain that would leave him in because it's something he could force his body to do), has taken the ability of playing his guitar and singing away from him because his fingers are split and numb and his mouth is full of sores,  leaves him where he can barely breath and has to fight for every breath....yet in in all of this he expresses joy and thankfulness for the life he still has.  It's easy for whoever you are to say, just lay down, shut up and die.  Why don't you try it!  How dare you suppose to know anything about it. How dare you to send a cowardly email and rant and rave at him about still being here and talking about his journey.  How dare you use this opportunity to raise your ugly head and prevent someone who's dying from experiencing  the support and love that he receives from everyone through various forms of social media.

If you don't want to see the comments about his life in the various forms of social media he uses, don't read them.  "Hide" his comments on Face book.  Don't berate him because he still has a life and you don't.  How dare you think you have that right!  How dare you try and take that form of communication from him and try to make him feel guilty  because he's still breathing.

Next time you think it's okay to berate someone who is dying because they're living longer than anticipate why don't you try and rejoice in the fact that someone has beat the odds they were given and be thankful that they and they're families have them for just a little bit longer.  Let me ask you, just exactly how do you think your mother would react if you were in the same situation and someone wrote an email to you like you just sent to my son.
What a selfish person you are.  Shame on you.

A Child's Eye

It's been about three weeks now since my last post.  I know because Aaron just sent me an email saying  "it's time to update your post mom".  The words just aren't coming that easily these days.  Time seems to be moving so fast I can't keep up.  Reality really hit me in the face this afternoon at work as we began to actually make plans to think about filling my position when I retire in February.  I've said it, and need it, but the reality when it hit me really surprised me.  It's actually happening.  November 1st I sign up for Social Security.  When you're younger the reality is really never a reality.  I never really thought about the possibility of retirement until this last year. But I am far past ready.  In fact, the next three months are going to be a real challenge.  I don't think as clearly these days as I use to.  I'm so thankful for the younger people at work now, they really keep me on my toes and I love every one of them and the energy they come with. What a hoot our team is!  They keep me on my toes (or I get run over) and we enjoy each other, tease each other and laugh together. I hope they can put up with me for the next three months.  I think I can make it work if I just keep making fudge!

I am torn right now.  I feel like things are beginning to fall in on me. I sit in my living room and feel like I just need to hold out my arms and push to keep things from consuming me. There are too many things that have to be done and too many decisions to be made.

If I didn't have Ray to talk and plan with I don't know what I'd do.  I just lost it over the weekend.  He walked us through it and we talked it through and came up with a plan.  The house we are in is just too large for us when I retire and so we're going to be looking for something smaller.  I got things turned around and decided we needed to look for a place first.  It put me into overload just thinking about packing, working, moving and dealing with life.  Ray suggested we simply keep the same plan but put them in a different order.  Pack what we want to keep, sell what we want to sell, store what little we keep and look for a small department in January.  That way when we get ready to move to NY, we're ready. Makes perfect sense.  I just couldn't get it in the right order in my head.  We're on the right track and headed in the right direction!  Looking forward is great.  Thinking back is imperative. I don't want to have to learn any of those painful lessons again and the great things I really don't want to forget!

As I think back through years I remember three little girls, our nieces, Allegra, Ariana and Alexis, (beautiful aren't they!) who were very, very much a part of our lives.  They're almost grown now, but during their early years we did everything with them.  As I sat one day thinking about their lives as they grew up I was reflecting on what type of example I was setting for them because they were with me a great deal.  One evening, after having spent the day with them, I wrote this reflection.

A Child's Eye

8-1-98 

They're so tiny and so fragile

Or at least they seem to be

Their tender hearts are broken

So very easily.

They look upon our faces 

Their eyes aglow with charm

It doesn't take a lot of hurt

To cause a lot of harm

They're so very, very trusting

They come running expectantly

They trust we'll love and teach them

The way life ought to be

They're in and out of everything

They want to try it all

They push and shave, hug and love

And (sometimes) answer when we call!

We want the very best for them

We search and seek it out

But the answers we often give them

Is it really what life's about?

There's more to life than daily bread

To wash and cook and clean

Remember the important things

And share what Jesus means.

There's more to living every day

Than we really ever see

Maybe WE should learn to look

With eyes expectantly

The children all around us

Have a very simple plan

They live each day around them

The only way they can

They cherish every moment

They enjoy a gentle breeze

They love to see a sailboat

As it sails across the seas

They love to see a butterfly

As it wings its way along

They enjoy the simple things in life

But not for very long

These very simple ways we have

And the way God starts us out

Is the way He wants us to live today

Trusting Him without a doubt.

But as we grow and evaluate

The way our lives progress

That's how we usually end up

With our lives in such a mess

We make the awful habit

Of trusting in ourselves

We then forget His master plan

He planned our lives so well.

We need to always remember

The gleam in a child's eye

The wonder of amazement as he looks

toward heaven's sky.

 

But here is the most beautiful child in my life.  My prayer is that I have shown him and show him that it's not the things in this life that matter, but to keep the gleam in his eye and the wonder of amazement as he looks toward heaven's sky.

He and his life amaze me.