Seasons

'Ti's the season...no, not that season! Fall! Can't you feel it in the air? It's glorious. Basically, my very favorite time of year. I love the fresh smell and the breeze. The warm days and cool nights when I can sleep like no other time. The colors are so beautiful. It just makes me want to jump up and shout. Can you tell I'm really working at this. I do love the Fall season. It is my very favorite time of year. It's just that this year it brings me closer to another season that I'd rather not have to think about. I can't believe how quickly time is moving. I really cannot believe it's the end of August already. It seems like it was just February and Aaron and I were celebrating our birthdays. Where has the time go? Every year it just moves faster and faster.I don't want it to move this fast. I can remember as a kid in school thinking the school year would never be over. N,ow I'd give anything to have time slow down and the year last forever. It isn't right that as we get older and move slower, time should move faster. If we're slower so should time be. There's so much to do and so much to say. There isn't going to be enough time. I already knew that before Aaron was diagnosed. I often wondered how I was going to teach him all that I was suppose to teach him as a mom. How does a mother get that all in? Especially when you make mistakes and have to make that time up later. I don't get the opportunity to make anything up. Whatever I did, good or bad, right or wrong, that's it. That's all I get.

The only thing I have left now is to be the best mom I know how to be for whatever time God allows us to have together. Aaron is anxious for us to begin sorting and packing. I try so hard to do what he asks because I want his life to be easier. As easy as I can help make it. He tried to keep the big, brave front and be what he thinks I need him to be. I just want him to be Aaron. He doesn't have to do anything or be anything except just be my son. I love just sitting and talking or helping him do things or whatever I can do to spend time with him. Sometimes we get a chance to go to a movie, sometimes we watch a movie, sometimes play Wii, sometimes we're just together and quiet. He can make me laugh so hard (he gets that from his dad, Ray has always been able to make me laugh). I'm trying not to miss him already. I try not to let my mind go forward. I try to stay present in the moment. I try, but I'm not super woman. My mind does go forward and it does look ahead and when that comes, so do the tears, like right now. My heart is broken and every day that goes by so quickly chips another little piece away. I don't know if it will ever be whole again. How can it be? No one will ever fill the void that he is going to leave.

Yes, Ray and I will go on. We have each other and our love for each other binds us together. We are best friends and we're looking forward to retirement together. Retirement has just taken on another whole different look in the last 3 years. We're moving along with our plans because that's what Aaron wants. It still doesn't feel right because it feels like I'm abandoning him. How do I go merrily ahead planning for a future when my son isn't going to have one. It stinks! I'm finding myself trying to measure my words and be cautious here because I know Aaron reads my blog. But, that basically defeats the whole purpose of why I started the blog. I needed an outlet before I imploded and this is the means to that end.

So son, if you're reading this please know how dear you are to my heart. I couldn't be prouder of you if you had discovered America! Know that I'm doing the best I can with what you've asked but that it's not easy what you ask. Sorting things out and packing things up isn't easy. It feels like I'm pulling the rug out from under you. Yes, I want to go to New York. Yes I want to have a life back East with the Troy 9, When dad and I discovered I was pregnant with you it was the greatest moment of our lives. You have been the joy of our lives since the day you were conceived in the tent in Bend. (For everyone else, that's a story for another time.) You brought us so much joy we wanted more children. After two miscarriages and a false pregnancy we knew that God intended for us to have no more. We were okay with that and we've been a great family. Now we have reconnection with family back East, family in CA and you and Kristin. I know that you're tired. Tired of being sick, tired of hurting constantly, tired of not being able to do the things you want to do, tired of being tired. You put up a great front, but I am your mother after all, and I know better. I love you for who you are for the moment we are in. Just keep being Aaron!

Sometimes Questions Are All There Is

Sometimes, most of the time actually, I wish I didn't know my son was dying. Sometimes I'm thankful I do.(Know that he's dying, not thankful that he is.) But now-a-days I find myself scratching for additional moments with him and missing the opportunities that I have at the moment. That may not make any sense to some but it's true for me and unfortunately, or very selfishly, my reality is all that counts right now. I love the time I have with him. There is never going to be enough. I appreciate even more these days that God doesn't let us see the future, He doesn't give us all the details of our life. In reality, I couldn't handle knowing and God knows that. You couldn't either, whether you think you could or not.

I get tired some days of being brave, of being the responsible one. Sometimes I just wish I could let myself fall apart. Other people do it. Why not me? Sometimes I just want to have a pity party. Maybe this is my way of doing that. I don't really know why I do what I do any more. It's "put one foot in front of the other and move". Sometimes it's forward, sometimes it's back. I don't seem to have any control...not that I ever did, but at least I was normal like everyone else and thought I did. Sorry, I'm rambling and not making any sense. I think I will be having more of thees times, in fact, I'm sure of it.

I continually ask myself, "how can I make some sense out of this"? I can't seem to find the answer. This doesn't make any sense, but I want it to. What is it my mom always says, "It's not your needs that get you in trouble, it's your wants and desires". Pretty amazing woman my mom!

Aaron has a "bucket list" as everyone knows. One of his dreams is to know that his dad and I are safe and happy. He has said right from the beginning that's it's very important to him that he knows where we are and that we are cared for. How I ask you, am I suppose to plan and prepare for that with my son dying? Aaron thinks that when I retire we should just pack up and move back to Troy. How the heck does he think a parent is going to do that. Yes, we are going. But how on earth does he think a mother is going to pack off and move anywhere, let alone across the United States, with her son terminally ill and his body racked in pain?

Monday, August 24th and the saga continues. Enough of the questions. Today has been a super great day. Aaron's feeling good, better anyway, not throwing up his insides anyway. Monday is Kristin's day off so they had it to spend the day together. I slept in until 8 am. That's rare for me, we took Jamison for his walk, Ray and I ran some errands, had lunch. Ray finished the laundry and spent some time with his knee up and I had four glorious hours in my craft room working on signs. I set a goal of 5 signs and got them done. Even managed to give myself a pedicure and manicure this evening. Life is good and all is right with the world. Well, almost.

Choosing Joy

Life is funny; don't you think? I can plan, draw diagrams, do research, make a decision and in the blink of an eye...whoosh, the whole thing changes It happens at home, at work...doesn't matter. What do they say, "Life is what happens while we plan". But there is one thing always constant, it's the ability to make the decision to choose joy no matter the circumstances. Life is great, challenging, sad, full of laughter, exciting, new, old but with all that happening around me, the thing I cherish the most right now, is the moment I'm in. My son has been teaching me some very good lessons through his battle with cancer. Choosing joy is not something new for our family. As Aaron has told you, it's something my hubby has taught and we've tried to practice as a family our entire lives together. But, Aaron having cancer has put an entirely different spin on the whole concept for me. I find myself, in everything I do, trying to find the joy in the moment. (I have my annual checkup tomorrow, I'm still looking for the joy in that one! And the colonoscopy to follow in September...that one's really going to take some work!) Yet there really is joy in knowing that I'll be under the care of skilled professionals and live in a land where the services are provided. THAT I can find joy in...the process I'll work on.

If you're having trouble choosing joy let me offer a suggestion...if you're in the local area. One of the ways Aaron has brought joy to my life is through Comedy Sportz. His laughter and talent bring joy to this mother's heart. He is so very talented. Oh yes, I've asked the question why. God's not going to give me that answer. Actually, it's none of my business. Will I continue to ask? Absolutely, I'm a mother. I'm also me, and asking why has always been a part of my profile. Do I want to know why my son? You know, something inside me won't let me ask that question because I remember what my mother said to me when I told her many years ago that I had been asking God why my mother had Parkinsons disease. She said, "Oh honey, why NOT me? I wouldn't wish this on anyone else. God will give me the grace to handle this." WOW! What do you say to that? I wouldn't wish colon cancers on any other child nor any other parent. I would gladly take it on myself if that were possible, but as Aaron says, "God has a plan. I may not like it, but I will follow it." Sorry about the bunny trail but I needed to share that.

Now, back to an opportunity to choose joy. As you've probably already seen on a poster, heard on KNPW radio this morning, read on Aaron's blog at judasforgiven.com or seen the various postings on Facebook, Comedy Sportz is doing a reunion performance on August 14th at Lane Community College at 6PM. This is a totally family friendly event and you'll laugh until your sides split. It's a hoot! I encourage you to invite friends and family. Take a break together and come and join us in finding joy in the moment. We'd love to see you there. You can find ticket information on Aaron's blog. Let's all get together and experience joy and laugh together. I'd love to share my son and his joy with you!

Oh, are you expecting that choosing joy is going to be easy? Is anything in life that's good or worthwhile easy? Of course not. You wouldn't appreciate it if it was easy. Besides, what do they say, "If it was easy, anybody could do it!" Nope, it's not about easy, it's about accomplishment. It's about listening to your inner self and making a conscience decision to choose joy above all else. You're going to have to think about it, but don't think too long or you'll miss the whole thing!

Regrets?

What's right? What's not? What can be put off? What cannot? Should I feel guilty? Should I not? I don't know anymore. I'm not talking about right and wrong here as I know it from scripture. I'm talking about the small daily choices I make; trying to decide what should have priority. Do I go get groceries or take a walk? Do I do the laundry or make a pie? These days these are huge choices for me. It just keeps getting more difficult all the time. And then when I finally make a decision I question whether it was the right one. Will I regret it later? Do other mothers feel the same way? No doubt, but selfishly, I'm thinking only of myself right now.

Will I have regrets? Too late for that, I already do. Most evolve around my son, Aaron. Did I buy the right toys? Did he have the right opportunities? Did he go to the right schools? Was I involved enough? There are so many things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had made the choice to be a stay at home mom. I didn't know then what I know now. I wasted so many years working when I could have spent the time at home with Aaron. I think about the time I watched from the kitchen window as Aaron headed off to school and the tears just rolled. I was so sad and sorry that he didn't have a brother or sister to walk with him. Believe me, it wasn't for lack of trying! When I told Aaron about this not too long ago he said, "Mom, I didn't know any different. I had always been an only child and I met up with friends on the way." It still sucked, and so does cancer now.

I wish I had made better choices about plans for the future and retirement. I didn't know a single thing about 401K or IRA or Money Market. It's nobodys fault but my own. I didn't question and ask. I know to do that. Why didn't I? Because who thinks that 40 years to retirement will be but a blink. The Lord knows my needs and my heart. He knows I've planned as well as I can and worked as hard as I can. I trust Him to keep me and help me to spend wisely during retirement.

Looking back, I would have absolutely insisted that I have the opportunity to meet brother-in-laws Tom and Bob.I do have brother Bill in my life...I can't imagine life without him in it. I've heard so many stories and so many great memories. But, by choices I made, I lost that opportunity and now they are both gone. True, I'm working to make the rest of the time I have making up for some of that loss by becoming more involved with extended members of the family. However, that doesn't make up for the loss I felt and experience every single day knowing that they're gone and I missed an opportunity. I have a daughter, son-in-law, grandkids and great-grandkids I'm looking forward to getting to know and watch them grow. I'm looking forward to that. BUT, what it's going to cost me, the death of my son, in order to do that is a pretty high price to pay.

Don't get me wrong, I love and appreciate the family I have very much. They have supported me through the years and loved me and I don't take that for granted...ever. I just need to complete the circle. Every holiday and family event these last 40 years I've enjoyed, but there's always been this sense of loss as everyone planned around two sides of family, how they were going to make it work, who they were going to see. I regret that Aaron will never get to know his extended family because of choices I made.

DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND ME! I would not trade the last 40 years for anything you could give me, but I would add experiences to them if I could. I've had a great life this last 40 years. I have a husband who has and does love me unconditionally since the day he met me. It doesn't matter what size I am, what shape I'm in, what color my hair is or what mood I'm in. His love is unconditional. He would do anything I ask him, and has. But, if you love someone as much as I love him, there are some things that you don't ask them to do. Fortunately, time has a way of changes some things. When I expressed a desire to retire back East I did so very early on, almost 2 years prior to my retirement date.I did this because I figured it would take me at least 2 years to convince him. But to my surprise, his immediate response was, "it's your choice Jannie. You've followed me where ever work took me for the last 40 years. This is your decision and I will go with you happily where ever you choose". It about blew me away. He has never waivered from that decision".

So, after retirement early next year, Lord willing, our plans are to load what we can in a 17' U-Haul, tow the car, load Jamison in and head east to Troy NY where a family of 9 awaits us with open arms. Is the cost high? The highest I will every pay, a future without my son. A son who's dream for his mother is that she completes this circle of family. Will I regret this decision? Who knows? Would I regret it if I didn't try? Absolutely!