A New Day, A New Age

Well, here I go...into yet another unknown world, the world of blogging. If someone had told me just a year ago that I would be writing on my own blog I would have told them they didn't know me as well as they thought they did. And yet, here I find myself. It's interesting to be sitting here writing knowing that anyone can read my thoughts and ideas that I share. And yet, at this point in my life, it's something I want to do and feel like it's another way to express thoughts and feelings that may at some given point, help someone else.

My son is dying. He's 37 years old, had more talent in 16 oz of his body that most people have in their entire body, loves and serves the Lord with all his heart, soul and mind, loves his family, loves his wife, and yet he's dying. I know all the "right" answers. I know he's going to a "better life"...he's still my son, and he's still dying. Cancer is ugly and unforgiving. I can't control it. I'm a mother, I'm suppose to be able to fix it. That's what mothers do, fix things. I can't fix this and I am totally NOT happy with that. Yes, I know the Lord won't give me any more than I can handle. Yes, I know I should choose joy. Yes, I know that I've should be happy to have had him for 37 years and there are many people out there who have not had the privilege of even having children. Yes, I know I dedicated him to the Lord when he was born. Yes, yes, yes, I know all of that! I'm a mother and I should be able to fix it and my son is still dying.

I cannot even begin to imagine my life without Aaron. He has been the joy of my life for the past 37 years. There has not been a day go by that I have not been proud of him. I love the fact that he can speak his mind with honesty and do it in love. It's something I can't even picture, my world without him in it.

I have all the right answers but I don't have the answer. I know that doesn't make sense but it makes sense to me. Guess you can probably tell that I'm really angry right now. I go through each day doing the right thing, going to work, smiling, laughing, doing the daily tasks and trying to hide the fact that I'm very, very angry. Actually, I'm getting pretty good at it. Some days though it takes every single ounce of strength I can muster to even get out of bed. My husband knows and understands and for that I'm truly thankful. Some days are more difficult than others for both of us. We love and support each other, always have and always will. I couldn't get through this with the Lord and without my hubby.

Well, I've rambled long enough. It's one of those nights that I could write and never stop. I find solice in the fact that if you don't want to read this you don't have to, but I have to write it so I will. Tomorrow will be a better day.