The Everything Christmas!

This holiday season has been....everything! The Lord continues to share many blessings.  It was wonderful to have a houseful of laughing, energetic people. We had a great time.  Christ was in our Christmas and we celebrated His birth and His life.  Where would we be without either?  It was so great to go to a candlelight service with Kristin and Aaron, sing Christmas caroles, hear the Word, have communion together and watch the most amazing artist transform her work from one portrait into another.  It was a very special, important time with loved ones.  A time I'll always be grateful I was able to be a part of.

Everyone that's on Facebook has already seen this amazing gift I received.  Aaron and I have talked several times over the last several months about his t-shirt collection.  He has created many and over the years we've collected many from the shows he's been involved with from high school and forward and those he's had from organizations he has supported through his talent and efforts.  It's quite a collection and I didn't want them to just disappear.  They represent a history of what has been and is important in the life of our son.  They tell a story of his life and what he believes in. I had thought that I might take some of these shirts and design teddy bears for the Children's Oncology ward at the hospital.  Aaron had a different idea.  He worked with his mother-in-law Ruth, who is an absolute artist when it comes to sewing, and created a quilt for me that is beyond description.

Every single square is a story.  It's a lifetime of memories that I will cherish forever! Here are a few shots of single panels to give you and idea of how spectacular this gift really is.

The Platapus

The Serious Question

Choose Joy signed by the "Lost Dogs"

working days left until retirement. I'm off this week beginning the preparation to relocate to Aaron and Kristin's.  The transition will give us time to spend with the kids and help them out and at the same time help us get our things organized and packed. I'm really looking forward to the time of being together. A time of sharing and talking, of helping when I can, a time of feeling like I'm able to do something besides just sitting by and watching it all happen.  We'll have time to play games, play Wii, have meals together, laugh and share stories, create new memories. We're not living in a dream world here.  We've talked and know that there will be challenges along the way.  There will be times when we all want a break.  During those times we'll go to our own "corners" and chill out.  It's going to be more of a time of "what will be right" than one of "what could go wrong".

Today begins another step in our journey.  A journey that only God knows where the rocks are.  A journey where every step is a step of faith counting on my heavenly Father to show me the rocks.

Look for the Miracles God HAS Given

Sunday we celebrate 40 Christmases together Ray and I..  As is said so often, "seems like only yesterday".  I don't know where the years have gone.  What have we done with 40 years?  They have certainly been packed full and life has never been boring.  At times things have been very tough, sometimes full of tears, sometimes happy, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but we've remained best friends, love each other more now than the first day we met (and I honestly didn't think that would ever be possible), and through it all we continue to know and experience joy in our lives. Happy 40th Anniversary Suggie!

This weekend as we quietly celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary we're looking forward to that quiet weekend and to doing one of our favorite things, decorating our home for the holidays. Christmas has always had a very special meaning to our family. This year, for me, it is steeped in the realization of the gift another mother, in another time long ago, gave to the world.  Now before I go any further here, please understand that I am NOT comparing myself to the gift God gave us through Mary and the birth of his Son. God was providing a way for us to have eternal life through that miraculous birth,  I can take no credit and say I know how Mary felt.  There's no one who can say they know how Mary felt.  You can bet that's a question I have on my mind to ask when I get to heaven.  I most likely won't care a whit once I get there.  Well enough rambling.

Just let me say that amazingly, there is no sadness today, only wonder.  As I sat at Kristin's 30th  birthday party last night it was amazing to see all the joy, laughter and fun.  It wasn't by any means a fancy event, there was birthday cake and everyone brought snacks.  It was about celebrating life and my son was leading the charge. (The only reason I'm using the "I" and "my" pronouns here is that this is my blog. I do know that his father is as proud of him as I am.)  Aaron is everything we ever dreamed of in a son.  The only thing we've ever asked of him is "do your best" along with "be Aaron" every time he leaves the house.  He still hears that every time he goes out our door, "be Aaron".  What an Aaron he is.  He's smart, he's funny, he's talented, he finds joy in everything, he loves life, he has a great marriage and is a great husband, he's a great pappa to our grand- puppy Belle, he's a great son-in-law, he accepts people as they come to him, he's thankful for everything in his life, he exudes joy.  What mother could ever ask for more?.

As I enjoyed the evening last night and listened to him sing I just wonder if I will ever understand why God would give one person so much talent only to take him away in the prime of his life?  You know what? Ain't goin' there.  If God wanted me to know that He would have already told me.  What God wants me to do right now is celebrate both the birth of His son and my son and that's exactly what's going to happen.  We are going to have a killer holiday season and spend very little.  We're going to decorate and celebrate.  We're going to spend time with family and friends.  We're going to give to others.  We're going to sing Christmas Carols.  We're going to, and have been since November so we can get them all in, watch Christmas movies. We're going to hug, cry, laugh, look at old pictures of Christmases past and make new memories.

As I sat and listened to Aaron sing last night I'm thankful for the miracle God put in my life, my son.  He has such a beautiful voice, he plays guitar, he composes songs, he writes like none I've ever read, he loves His heavenly father and shares that love with everyone he meets, he has more talent for drama than can be imagined, he has an imagination that is unsurpassed, and he's my son!  What a miracle God gave me!  So in one sense, I can imagine what Mary felt like.  We both have received miracles!

Thanksgiving and the Rock

The prep for the annual dressing is complete.  Now all I need is my "mixer" to come home from his haircut appointment so he can mix it up.  He'll more than happily do it 'cause he's hoping I'll put just a small dish in the over so he can "test" it tonight before we serve it tomorrow.  It's my mom's recipe and it never gets old...Cornbread dressing with Jimmy Dean Sausage.  Yum!

 Now it's on to the Cranberry Jello Salad.  Another yummy mom's recipe with lots of celery and walnuts.  It's the best side dish ever to turkey and was one of my grandpa's favorite.  Then to the sugar free pumpkin pie, Chocolate Applesauce Cake full of walnuts and raisins and last but not least, sausage balls.  If I ever forgot to make the sausage balls or the dressing I'd have to find another family!

It's going to be a fun-filled weekend full of laughter, friends, family and joy...because that's what we're choosing.  I have no idea what next week will bring, it's hanging heavy over our heads.  But we do know that tomorrow is the special day we've set aside to be thankful. So we're going to take special notice of the day and give a special thanks for the last year especially!  We're able to do something again this year that we didn't think would be possible last year, we're celebrating the holidays once again with our son!  What's not to be thankful about that?

The Lord answered another prayer today, He gave Kristin a job that she'll be very good at doing and something she knows well.  Although it was a very difficult decision and it wasn't easy to do I know that God will give her the strength to persevere. Only God knows why the things in our lives happen in the order they do...and it's probably a very good thing.  This thing we call "faith" that we hang on to so tightly isn't always wrapped in the face of happiness.  Faith is always about stepping out into the unknown, but always knowing that God always puts the rocks out there for us to land on.

With that said, "Happy Thanksgiving" to all.  Enjoy the days with family and friends knowing that God is in charge and the "rocks" are there if we but have the faith to step out.  Not easy; always necessary!

Jannie, note to self, the rocks are there!  Use 'em!

Holidays and Peanuts

Sugarfree eggnog, pumpkin pie, dressing, turkey, cranberry jello salad the joy of the Lord and the "Peanuts" characters...that's what our Thanksgivings and Christmases have been made of.  I don't think we've had a Thanksgiving or Christmas without the Peanuts characters.  They've always been one of Aaron's favorites from the time he was very little.  Nothing has changed.  Ray and I still want to buy everything we see at this time a year that has anything to do with Peanuts.  Can't do it but doesn't mean we don't think about it and when we do we relive the many, many holidays we've all had together.

I just woke up this morning and see by the post on Facebook that our son has been at the emergency room all night.  I'm so thankful he has Kristin with him.  They love each other so very much.  At first I was really ticked to think that he had gone through the entire night at the ER without calling us.  I know in part that he didn't want to wake us up in the middle of the night, I know that if anything had happened Kristin would have called.  I know all of that, but once again, I'm a mom and the need to be there is very, very strong. 

As you can probably tell, I'm not having a very good day. It started when I got up this morning.  I was in tears before I even hit the shower.  Things are becoming just a little too real.  I know the reality. Somedays now, more now than a year ago, I find myself in tears.  It doesn't take anything to start them rolling.  I'm trying so hard to get into the spirit of the season...I hope it gets better because right now I just don't have it in me.  I'm so tired of crying. I want it all to go away.  I know that Aaron loves the Lord and that the Lord loves him dearly.  I just want him here.  I shouldn't have to be talking about death, cremation, painting urns and no future with my son.  I should be talking about his expanding career, he and Kristin buying a house, establishing a family.  This is going to sound very selfish I know, but why can't I have that.  Everyone else gets it.  My sisters have it, my brother has it, my nieces and nephews have it.  Why can't I have it with my son?  What did I do in my life that God would take my son in the prime of his life?  Why would he give him all the talent he gave him and then take it all away.  Why? 

I'm putting up a pretty good front because that's what everyone expects to see from me.  But I don't really care about anything anymore.  Doesn't matter if we have things.  Doesn't matter if I have a home.  Doesn't matter about a fancy car.  Doesn't matter about anything.  I'm making all the motions that everyone needs to see but I don't really care.  People want to hear that I'm doing okay so that's what I tell them.  I love them for caring and being there but I can't be honest about feelings face to face because I never would stop crying.  Most days I'm just barely hanging on.  I go through my day and do what I have to do but it gets more difficult every day.  My mind isn't sharp and clear.  I loose my train of thought.  I forget then I get frustrated.  I'm out of answers.  My goal is just to make it through one day at a time.

I want those days back filled with laughter, thinking about the future, thinking about a grown son and how the Lord will use him and his talents, about having holidays in his home with his family, about doing all the things families get to do together.  I'm selfish and I want that.  I miss my son already.

I try not to post my real feelings because I feel like everyone expects me to always have a happy, cheerful attitude.  I also try not to say what is really in my heart because I know Aaron reads my blog but today son, I apologize.  I don't want you to feel worse or that you're "letting me down".  You are not!  You want these same things and I know you have the same wants.  I love you dearly.  Please excuse your sad mother this one travel into self-pity.  mom

Just for Today Lord

Well, here's this big blank page again...my mind is going in a thousand directions.  I need to shop for supplemental insurance for Ray, complete my 23 page application for my PERS retirement, attend a PERS meeting for those retiring within the next year, schedule a one-on-one meeting with PERS to make sure the 23 pages are filled out correctly, complete all my documentation work so my replacement will know what, how and why I did what I did, continue packing, get ready for Thanksgiving, get ready for Christmas, celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary, celebrate the  New Year, have my 62nd birthday and retire.  All within 46 remaining working days.  I think my life is going to continue to be quite full!

We spent the morning with the kids this morning.  Kristin and I went to lunch and Ray brought home lunch so he and Aaron could have lunch together.  We came back home and packed a few things.  Tomorrow I'll finish the bookcases and get them on Craig's List.  Today I listed the iron double bed in the spare room on Craig's List.  We're making progress.  The real scary thing is the garage.  Going out to the garage is like the little boy in Home Along going down to the basement!  I think that stuff actually multiplies when we're not looking.

I really love being at home. I love doing things in my home and spending time here.  I really love managing my own time and getting up when I want and going to bed when I want.  I use to be a morning person.  I'm finding I'm not really a morning person any more.  On the weekends if I get up and around by 10am I'm doing really good.  If I'm really lucky I talk Ray into getting in the shower before I do so I can write or read the paper and drink coffee just a little bit longer.  I use to be at work during the week by at least 7:15am.  Now I'm lucky if I drag my butt through the door right at 8am.  Sure doesn't seem to bother me though.  I'm sure glad we live within a mile of work or I'd probably be late every day.  That would be something for me.  I think I've only been late to work once in my entire work life.  Growing up, we were always at least a half hour early to everything.  You never knew when you'd have a flat tire on the way ya know.

Jamison is curled up on his favorite rug on the floor sound asleep.  Ray is reading...and evidently, I'm writing.  All is quiet with our world right now and it feels very peaceful.  I am so thankful for and have so very much enjoyed this laptop.  I can sit here with Ray and Jamison and do whatever I need to do and not have to go into the other room to do it.  Besides that, it's freezing cold in the studio and toasty warm here in the living room.

As you know, we've begun our annual pilgrimage through all of our Christmas movies.  We began with Home Alone then National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and last night Christmas Vacation 2 (I think they probably made that one out of boredom...at least that's why we finished it).  Tonight we watched one we'd never seen before, "The Christmas Cottage".  If you haven't seen it I highly recommend it.  It's the story of how Thomas Kincaid found his muse.  It's a great story and has a wonderful cast.

Well, enough babbling.  Time to get on with another Christmas movie.  See you later!

Resting in God's Plan

Today is the 40th anniversary of the day my hubby Ray gave me my engagement ring. From August to December of 1970 was a whirlwind.  I didn't know life could be so exciting.  We had so much fund discovering that world together. It was a time of learning, sharing and depending on each other.  I cannot believe where the last 40 years have gone.  They've not been boring....EVER!  Life has been challenging but we've made it this far and I am looking forward to the years ahead that God gives us together.  I don't know how I would ever make it life without the Lord and my hubby.  He is my true soul mate.  I knew that the moment I saw him in Santi's Camera Shop in Watsonville CA.  I have never doubted it for one single second in the last 40 years.  That in and of itself is one amazing fact.  We still love being together.  We are each others best friend.  We like traveling together.  We make each other laugh.  We cry together, plan together and dream together.  It doesn't get much better than that.

Now we're on a journey together than we neither dreamed about or planned.  It's one of those things that
happens in life that there is no way, even if we had known, that we could have planned on.  It's a very sorrowful journey and a journey that only God knows why we have to make it.  We might never understand what God's purpose is in the journey.  Is it fair that we have to take this journey. We would definitely say no, but then again, what in life is ever fair? We would never wish this journey on anyone else so I guess, in that sense, it's fair.  God will take us through it, fair or not.  He has a purpose and a reason, we'll probably never know what that is.  It has to be enough that God has a reason and a purpose.

So this Halloween we continue this journey that God has established before our lives began.  We celebrated today with Aaron and Kristin, calls from family and just enjoyed being together.  Tonight we'll enjoy seeing all the kids laughing and running as they enjoy a night of make believe. We'll remember all the halloweens in the past 40 years and the fun we've had; costume parties, taking Aaron trick or treating, laughing with the neighborhood kids as they run and shriek and yell as someone steps out from around the corner.  Halloween was always a favorite holiday growing up.  I don't remember ever having a store bought costume, we made them from what we had.  We must have been Red Skelton's the "Freddy Bum" character half our childhood.  It didn't matter.  We couldn't wait until dad got home from work and dinner was over so we could head out to all the neighbors and pick up those delicious treats; homemade candy apples, popcorn balls, taffy, fudge, caramel.  They never ceased to amaze us.  Our parents encouraged us to be kids and have a great time.  They didn't make the holiday anything other than it was...a great night to spend with friends and get more sugar than any child should have in a year!

What a life we've had and memories we've made.  We wouldn't change one single minute of it.  God has a plan!

How Dare You!

Right now I am raging with anger a mother should never have to experience.  I've just read my son's blog that he wrote last night. http://judasforgiven.blogspot.com

Someone, he doesn't even know, has written him an email and basically said, "I'm tired of hearing from you and about you.  Stop your whining and die".  How dare you! How dare you even suppose you know what he is dealing with.  How dare you even suppose you know the pain he's in.  How dare you!

I would not wish what my son is going through right now on anyone else.  I would not wish it on any other wife or parent  and yet there are thousands out there dealing with the same thing.  How dare you suppose that you know anything about the pain we all experience every day.  How do you think you would feel and deal  with the fact that every single minute of your life you constantly have to think about your death;  knowing that you could die at any moment from something you  have no control over.  Yes, you could get hit by a bus when you're crossing the proverbial road.  However, you have the choice to look both ways before crossing that road and make the decision to cross or not cross.  My son has lost those choices.

How would you like your options to be, " do I want to take another drug that makes me sick all the time, leaves me where I don't know anymore what it feels like to not be nauseated,  leaves me in rashes so painful I can barely move, splits the skin on my hands and feet until they bleed, leaves me so weak I can barely move (and yet last night before he got your email he set his cane aside, got down on his hands and knees and changed the tire on their car that had blown knowing how much pain that would leave him in because it's something he could force his body to do), has taken the ability of playing his guitar and singing away from him because his fingers are split and numb and his mouth is full of sores,  leaves him where he can barely breath and has to fight for every breath....yet in in all of this he expresses joy and thankfulness for the life he still has.  It's easy for whoever you are to say, just lay down, shut up and die.  Why don't you try it!  How dare you suppose to know anything about it. How dare you to send a cowardly email and rant and rave at him about still being here and talking about his journey.  How dare you use this opportunity to raise your ugly head and prevent someone who's dying from experiencing  the support and love that he receives from everyone through various forms of social media.

If you don't want to see the comments about his life in the various forms of social media he uses, don't read them.  "Hide" his comments on Face book.  Don't berate him because he still has a life and you don't.  How dare you think you have that right!  How dare you try and take that form of communication from him and try to make him feel guilty  because he's still breathing.

Next time you think it's okay to berate someone who is dying because they're living longer than anticipate why don't you try and rejoice in the fact that someone has beat the odds they were given and be thankful that they and they're families have them for just a little bit longer.  Let me ask you, just exactly how do you think your mother would react if you were in the same situation and someone wrote an email to you like you just sent to my son.
What a selfish person you are.  Shame on you.

A Child's Eye

It's been about three weeks now since my last post.  I know because Aaron just sent me an email saying  "it's time to update your post mom".  The words just aren't coming that easily these days.  Time seems to be moving so fast I can't keep up.  Reality really hit me in the face this afternoon at work as we began to actually make plans to think about filling my position when I retire in February.  I've said it, and need it, but the reality when it hit me really surprised me.  It's actually happening.  November 1st I sign up for Social Security.  When you're younger the reality is really never a reality.  I never really thought about the possibility of retirement until this last year. But I am far past ready.  In fact, the next three months are going to be a real challenge.  I don't think as clearly these days as I use to.  I'm so thankful for the younger people at work now, they really keep me on my toes and I love every one of them and the energy they come with. What a hoot our team is!  They keep me on my toes (or I get run over) and we enjoy each other, tease each other and laugh together. I hope they can put up with me for the next three months.  I think I can make it work if I just keep making fudge!

I am torn right now.  I feel like things are beginning to fall in on me. I sit in my living room and feel like I just need to hold out my arms and push to keep things from consuming me. There are too many things that have to be done and too many decisions to be made.

If I didn't have Ray to talk and plan with I don't know what I'd do.  I just lost it over the weekend.  He walked us through it and we talked it through and came up with a plan.  The house we are in is just too large for us when I retire and so we're going to be looking for something smaller.  I got things turned around and decided we needed to look for a place first.  It put me into overload just thinking about packing, working, moving and dealing with life.  Ray suggested we simply keep the same plan but put them in a different order.  Pack what we want to keep, sell what we want to sell, store what little we keep and look for a small department in January.  That way when we get ready to move to NY, we're ready. Makes perfect sense.  I just couldn't get it in the right order in my head.  We're on the right track and headed in the right direction!  Looking forward is great.  Thinking back is imperative. I don't want to have to learn any of those painful lessons again and the great things I really don't want to forget!

As I think back through years I remember three little girls, our nieces, Allegra, Ariana and Alexis, (beautiful aren't they!) who were very, very much a part of our lives.  They're almost grown now, but during their early years we did everything with them.  As I sat one day thinking about their lives as they grew up I was reflecting on what type of example I was setting for them because they were with me a great deal.  One evening, after having spent the day with them, I wrote this reflection.

A Child's Eye

8-1-98 

They're so tiny and so fragile

Or at least they seem to be

Their tender hearts are broken

So very easily.

They look upon our faces 

Their eyes aglow with charm

It doesn't take a lot of hurt

To cause a lot of harm

They're so very, very trusting

They come running expectantly

They trust we'll love and teach them

The way life ought to be

They're in and out of everything

They want to try it all

They push and shave, hug and love

And (sometimes) answer when we call!

We want the very best for them

We search and seek it out

But the answers we often give them

Is it really what life's about?

There's more to life than daily bread

To wash and cook and clean

Remember the important things

And share what Jesus means.

There's more to living every day

Than we really ever see

Maybe WE should learn to look

With eyes expectantly

The children all around us

Have a very simple plan

They live each day around them

The only way they can

They cherish every moment

They enjoy a gentle breeze

They love to see a sailboat

As it sails across the seas

They love to see a butterfly

As it wings its way along

They enjoy the simple things in life

But not for very long

These very simple ways we have

And the way God starts us out

Is the way He wants us to live today

Trusting Him without a doubt.

But as we grow and evaluate

The way our lives progress

That's how we usually end up

With our lives in such a mess

We make the awful habit

Of trusting in ourselves

We then forget His master plan

He planned our lives so well.

We need to always remember

The gleam in a child's eye

The wonder of amazement as he looks

toward heaven's sky.

 

But here is the most beautiful child in my life.  My prayer is that I have shown him and show him that it's not the things in this life that matter, but to keep the gleam in his eye and the wonder of amazement as he looks toward heaven's sky.

He and his life amaze me.

Wonderful Memories

On this day, September 27th,  63 years ago, my dad and mom put on their very best and made their way to a little church in the town where I was born and raised and said their vows to each other.  I'm so glad they did.  My dad had to have a parent's consent.  You've seen the picture before but I wanted to share it again today.  One, because it's one of my favorite pictures and two because I feel so privileged to be their child. My dad is gone now.  I talked with my mom this morning and I could tell that she was missing him more than usual today.  A love like theirs comes along very infrequently.  I've always been very proud to be their daughter.  Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

As I flip through pages of words I have written, trying to get that "spark" going again, I came across a poem that my hubby wrote for me in 1987.  We had been married 17 years. In December this year it will be 40,  It's wonderful to know that his words were true then, and as I read them, they remain true today.

WONDERFUL MEMORIES

Autumn leaves of orange, red and gold

Are like wonderful memories that never grow old.

They are always lovelier just as they fade

And sometimes there are tears when gone is the shade.

It's wonderful memories that color the leaves that we see,

And these are contained in the heart of a tree.

And when time gives flight to the leaves from above,

Our wonderful memories fill the heart with God's love.

With bounty and love and visions that be,

And laughter and joy and colors to see

This knowledge of mystery revealed to me,

And wonderful memories live eternally.

I'm so grateful that love cannot vanish away

I'm thankful that memories live on from today.

For the things I count precious are wrapped in loves dreams

And our memories are like brooks, rivers and streams.

They sparkle and glisten and shimmer with light

And forever in progress they shine in the night.

Our love is the voyage we travel each day

And this is the future that can't vanish away.

--Ray Jamison

And in his own words he would say, "not bad for a hillbilly".

Autumn Treasures & Thankfulness

Such a big, blank, white screen.  My mind just goes in a million directions when I open a blank screen.  All the possibilities are just amazing.  In fact, most of the time there are so many different directions it can be confusing.  And yet, these rambling  thoughts provide the backdrop for where my writing wants to go.  I just feel like writing today.  It's a good day.  A busy day.  A day to be thankful, like any other day really but today it seems a bit easier to be thankful than some other days. The thankfulness is always in my heart, it's just difficult sometimes to get my life bent around it.


If you let it, Autumn and thankfulness will bring out some amazing things.  The colors of Autumn are so bright and brilliant.  The air is crisp and clean.  It feels to me as though life is refreshing itself and it's letting me be a part of that.  It always amazes me how quickly the scenery around me changes.  One day a tree is green and the next the leaves have changed to a burning orange and then they fall. Autumn feels like a time for new adventure.  A time to experience new things in life.  A time of exhilaration and of new beginnings. I hope you find some time during the Autumn season to experience new things and to enjoy what the Lord is providing.

Autumn reminds me immediately of looking forward to Thanksgiving.  Yes, I know it's a couple of months away, but I can't help it.  Thanksgiving reminds me to be thankful.  Right now I am so very thankful that my knee is no longer giving me a problem.  The last three weeks of restricted mobility has made me very thankful that it was temporary.  It feels so good to be able to move around and not hurt.  It made me very aware of how much pain my hubby is in each and every day.  I don't know how he does it except for the grace of God and lots of prayer.  

I'm looking forward to, and am very thankful, that I have an opportunity to take a few days to go to CA and visit my family. (I have my camera in my purse Brother Bill and hope to be taking some awesome pictures.)  I would imaging that "up on the hill" as they call it, looking down over the Sonora Valley the scenery is going to be magnificent.  The sunsets are always absolutely gorgeous. I also am looking forward to taking pictures along the way.  I'll have to make a special effort to remember to stop and take pictures because once I get headed South on I-5 I have a hard time slowing down to take pictures.  But it's really important to me that I do that this trip...Aaron's going with me.  I want him to have an amazing time seeing his grandma and extended family.  I want him to remember the beauty of it all.  I want it to be a very special time. I'm looking forward to the conversations going and coming, of laughing together, of remembering the great times we had when he was little and the great times as he grew.  Captive audience don't ya know!  It will be somewhat of a short trip but we have to be back for a doctor's appointment the first part of the next week so we're going to make the most of every single moment.  There are those moments again!

I just have to ask, is this "Indian Summer" as they use to call it, or what?  We go from cool and crisp weather to still, quiet and 80 degrees.  I think the weather's trying to fool us.  For crying out loud, Ray is trying to get me chains before we head south this next week.  Snow chains?  Give me a break!  I don't even have all my Fall clothes unpacked yet.  I'd like to be able to wear the autumn colors for a couple of weeks before we have to start bundling up in winter duds.

So, to wrap it up,  thankfulness is all around me.  I hope I never forget to be thankful.  Life literally "hurls" things lately but I always want to remember to be thankful...to matter who "hurls" what. I need to remember to spread that thankfulness.  To let others see the thankfulness.  I want people to know that I have a a heavenly Father who wants the best for me. Of course I don't always like it or agree.  Do you always like and agree what happens to you?  Of course you don't.  But you know what, we can spend our time disgruntled and unhappy or we can take a look around and fine the one thing at that moment to be thankful for.  As hubby says, "every day above ground is a good one!".  Ya think not?  Think about the alternative....and then be thankful.

This Amazing Life & It's Moments of Joy

I continue to be amazed every single day. And I find that it's a very good thing. It opens up new possibilities that I might never have considered, allows me to meet new people; make new friends, try new things, continue with old things, visit with "old" friends, re-experience "old" things. It's just amazing these days what the Lord gives me. I have a free "bank" each day that the Lord gives. I make the choice how to spend those days. I can basically do anything I want to with that day. Actually I'm down to how I spend each moment because basically, that's all I have at any given time; the moment I'm in. Let me tell you, I'm learning to spend these moments wisely. I'm learning to relish each conversation, to be aware and pay closer attention when having a conversation. You know what, you can learn a lot when you listen. People in general are very interesting. I hate to think of the things I could have learned in my very early years if I had but listened. I'm looking for something new each day. Something I hear, something I see...doesn't matter. I just don't want to miss any more moments and I want them all to mean something. They'll all mean something...because I want them to. Well, so much for that bunny trail.

Okay, so I started this blog yesterday and I'll probably ramble along for awhile in the midst of life events. Back to how I'm learning to live within the moment...well, some of those can literally come up and "bite me in the butt", and I do mean literally! Have you ever been in the bathroom, have the toilet seat slip and pinch you? Let me tell you, that's what you call living in the moment. You actually have several options: sit still and and scream bloody murder. In doing so you take the chance of having someone come flying in to find you with your drawers down and try to help not knowing what the problem is. Now there's a moment you wouldn't want to miss! Or, you can sit there, hold your breath which at this point isn't really a problem because the pain has already taken away your breath. But, you involuntarily catch yourself screaming under your breath that isn't there, your your blood pressure goes sky high, you pass out, fall off the seat, but, problem solved; aside from the four inch blood blister that magically appears on your under side. Or, you could scream, jump up, trip on the mat, land in the tub on your head and laugh hysterically. Probably not your best choice, but hey, it's your moment! We all have them, these things called moments. Good, bad or indifferent, find the joy in the moment. You think that once that pinching moment is over you're not going to be joyful? Take it from me. Getting up off that toilet seat that's pinching your underside is probably going to be one of the best moments of joy you'll ever experience!

Another of my moments of joy come from my friends and family. I would imagine that they think these acts of kindness they do or say don't really have that great an impact. But, they really do. Dozens of people check on me every single day at work. One surprised me one day with a beautiful bouquet of flowers from her garden. One brought me a beautiful bracelet she had made. Many friends call me almost every day to see how I'm doing and say hi. I love that people drop by on their way to somewhere and say hi. Hugs are great too. Smiles are wonderful. One friend surprises me with little thoughts and messages in my mail at work. Just a little post-it-note with a special thought. I'd like to share the poem with you that I received today. This I will always hold and share.

JUST FOR TODAY

Thy strength, oh Lord, just for this day
I pray You will impart.
For me again renew my faith
As this new day I start.

Reach out to me and keep Thy hand
On everything I do.
Direct my path to things undone
And guide to paths anew.

Give me the patience that I need
To do for others now
The things that You would have me do
And kindly show me how.

Through doubts and fears and heavy loads
I struggle on my way.
Yet through the rugged path I know
That You are near today.

You steer my feet and lift my heart
And make the light to shine
Then all my troubles, aches, and pains
I gladly leave behind. AMEN

I consider my life totally amazing. I consider the fact that the Lord loves me enough that He gave His only Son to die a horrible death for me amazing. When I consider He would have done it even if I had been the only person in the world, I think that's pretty amazing. I have an only son and when I think about giving him up to die for everyone, sorry, I love you all a bunch but I'm not willing to go that one.

In thinking about my Son I try to think in terms, not that God is taking him, but that God needs him and has a greater purpose for him. In my particular faith, something parents commonly do is "dedicate" their child to the Lord when the child is very young. I can't speak for everyone else, even for Ray, but for me, what that meant was saying to God, "I consecrate this child to you and will teach him and train him according to your word. He is your child. I will love him, protect him, care for him, teach and train him". Never in my wildest dreams did I think that part of God's plan would be to call him "home" at such an early age. No parent things about that. Right?

I know you might think this really amazing and not true, but there really are time when I just can't have a conversation. Telephone calls are the most difficult right now. It's as though it takes so much energy and I just can't. Please don't think that I don't love you and please don't give up calling. If I don't call you back it's most like because I haven't checked messages. I'm very forgetful right now. If you don't get a call back send me an email via Facebook or at jan@auntiejan.net and tell me to check my messages. I love Facebok. I can stay in constant contact with friends and family, be in the conversation, comment and "run", following the comings and goings. It's great. Thank you all so much for making me a part of your lives. I love you all.

Enjoying The Fruit of Our Labor

The first Monday in September, observed as a holiday in the United States and Canada in honor of working people. That's what I do, "celebrate the work of my hands". I hope everyone is able to do that this weekend. Celebrate what you are able to do! I think we should do that every single day. There are plenty of people out there who would trade with any of us for every single day we are able to work. As much as I am looking forward to retirement there isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank the Lord for the job He has given me, the friends I have at work, the laughter we share, the tears we we share with each other. It's great to have a job where I love to go to work every single day. It doesn't mean there are days when I'd like to be able to do something else but it's so great to love the place and the people where you work.

Talent comes in all shapes, sizes and colors. For me, I'm looking forward to laboring (if you can call it that) with my hands this weekend at home; working in my craft room. I'll be making signs and working on chairs and a high chair that my friend Rita found for me. It's great to have an opportunity to be creative. Crafts just happens to be my choice for my outlet...what's yours? We all have things that we do exceptionally well. We shouldn't let those disappear. We should use them. If you want to feel really, really good, make something with your own two hands and give it to someone who you think could benefit. Doesn't matter what it is, it's the giving and receiving that gives the uplift to both the giver and receiver. Don't try to tell me you don't have any talent. God didn't make any of us without a talent. Now you may not have found yours because you've never looked. Doesn't mean you don't have one, just means you need to start looking and find it. Some examples could be: Read a book to someone, this time of year you could go to the Dollar Store and pick up some school supplies for someone that really needs some help; clean our your closet and give those clothes that just keep hanging there to someone who really could use them, bake a cake and take it to someone, pick up groceries for someone, write a letter for someone, sing someone a song, give someone a hug and a smile....we all have those!

Well, I worked with my hands this morning, I shopped. That's a form of working isn't it? I finally had to give in and hit JC Penney's for dress pants. I've found over the last several years that I can dress pretty well out of Goodwill and St. Vinney's without ever hitting the mall. But I had to give in this time. Winter's on the way and I haven't been able to find anything. I did hit Goodwill just in case before I went to Penney's though and found a couple of really good tops. Time to start looking for sweaters too. I actually get more excited about the challenge to find something at Goodwill and St. Vinney's than I do going to the mall. It's really great to be able to find a name brand, most of the time almost brand new for $3.27. New it would probably cost $40. See my point? Ray and I became real bargain hunters about 7 years ago when we began cutting back on expenses in preparation for my retirement. We looked at what we had to have new, which isn't very much, and then shop used for everything else. We labor hard for what we earn and we try our best to spend it wisely. I though today as I left the store that these pants will probably be the last work pants I have to buy. They'll be great right through Spring. Penney's has some really good sales going this weekend and it can be very tempting but I'm happy with what I found and glad to be home.


The Oregon Ducks are playing their first game of the season. One of the rewards of laboring and working is that it allows you to buy luxuries occasionally. Two years ago we treated ourselves to a new TV for our anniversary and Ray's 70th birthday and my 60th. It's a real treat for Ray to be able to relax after all his years of laboring and working to provide, to sit back and really enjoy a football game. Hard work does pay off and I'm thankful that we have both been strong and healthy and able to work. The game isn't that exciting today, Ducks 28, New Mexico zip but...oops, 35 - zip! It's great to see the team see the results of hours of labor and work. Are you getting the drift here. Success in life requires labor and work. It comes in thousands of shapes and sizes. What is challenging for one person may be simple for another and vice versa. What is that saying again? "Things in life worth doing are worth doing well".

I believe there are also times in our lives when God sets us aside from labor and says. "I have something else for you to do". This is probably the most difficult for me. I do not sit still well for very long. I want to be up and busy and see what I'm accomplishing. Sometimes though, God says no. I'm still working on this one. Sometimes I have to be still for God to use me. Sometimes it's an example God wants to shine through and not actions or words. It continues to be a challenge for me and probably always will be. I'm getting better at recognizing these times and try to make sure I'm listening so that I know when those times are. We should not feel guilty when God says He has something else for us to do. He will make sure that our light shines through without the physical labor and work. As Aaron says, "God has a plan, I may not like it, but I will do it".

Seasons

'Ti's the season...no, not that season! Fall! Can't you feel it in the air? It's glorious. Basically, my very favorite time of year. I love the fresh smell and the breeze. The warm days and cool nights when I can sleep like no other time. The colors are so beautiful. It just makes me want to jump up and shout. Can you tell I'm really working at this. I do love the Fall season. It is my very favorite time of year. It's just that this year it brings me closer to another season that I'd rather not have to think about. I can't believe how quickly time is moving. I really cannot believe it's the end of August already. It seems like it was just February and Aaron and I were celebrating our birthdays. Where has the time go? Every year it just moves faster and faster.I don't want it to move this fast. I can remember as a kid in school thinking the school year would never be over. N,ow I'd give anything to have time slow down and the year last forever. It isn't right that as we get older and move slower, time should move faster. If we're slower so should time be. There's so much to do and so much to say. There isn't going to be enough time. I already knew that before Aaron was diagnosed. I often wondered how I was going to teach him all that I was suppose to teach him as a mom. How does a mother get that all in? Especially when you make mistakes and have to make that time up later. I don't get the opportunity to make anything up. Whatever I did, good or bad, right or wrong, that's it. That's all I get.

The only thing I have left now is to be the best mom I know how to be for whatever time God allows us to have together. Aaron is anxious for us to begin sorting and packing. I try so hard to do what he asks because I want his life to be easier. As easy as I can help make it. He tried to keep the big, brave front and be what he thinks I need him to be. I just want him to be Aaron. He doesn't have to do anything or be anything except just be my son. I love just sitting and talking or helping him do things or whatever I can do to spend time with him. Sometimes we get a chance to go to a movie, sometimes we watch a movie, sometimes play Wii, sometimes we're just together and quiet. He can make me laugh so hard (he gets that from his dad, Ray has always been able to make me laugh). I'm trying not to miss him already. I try not to let my mind go forward. I try to stay present in the moment. I try, but I'm not super woman. My mind does go forward and it does look ahead and when that comes, so do the tears, like right now. My heart is broken and every day that goes by so quickly chips another little piece away. I don't know if it will ever be whole again. How can it be? No one will ever fill the void that he is going to leave.

Yes, Ray and I will go on. We have each other and our love for each other binds us together. We are best friends and we're looking forward to retirement together. Retirement has just taken on another whole different look in the last 3 years. We're moving along with our plans because that's what Aaron wants. It still doesn't feel right because it feels like I'm abandoning him. How do I go merrily ahead planning for a future when my son isn't going to have one. It stinks! I'm finding myself trying to measure my words and be cautious here because I know Aaron reads my blog. But, that basically defeats the whole purpose of why I started the blog. I needed an outlet before I imploded and this is the means to that end.

So son, if you're reading this please know how dear you are to my heart. I couldn't be prouder of you if you had discovered America! Know that I'm doing the best I can with what you've asked but that it's not easy what you ask. Sorting things out and packing things up isn't easy. It feels like I'm pulling the rug out from under you. Yes, I want to go to New York. Yes I want to have a life back East with the Troy 9, When dad and I discovered I was pregnant with you it was the greatest moment of our lives. You have been the joy of our lives since the day you were conceived in the tent in Bend. (For everyone else, that's a story for another time.) You brought us so much joy we wanted more children. After two miscarriages and a false pregnancy we knew that God intended for us to have no more. We were okay with that and we've been a great family. Now we have reconnection with family back East, family in CA and you and Kristin. I know that you're tired. Tired of being sick, tired of hurting constantly, tired of not being able to do the things you want to do, tired of being tired. You put up a great front, but I am your mother after all, and I know better. I love you for who you are for the moment we are in. Just keep being Aaron!