Until We Meet Again

C. Ray Jamison    10/24/38 - 10/11/14

Here I am again Lord. I thank you for today. I thank you for family and friends who know and understand what this life is all about. It's about you. How blessed I have been to have had Ray in my life. What an amazing man he was and how he loved you. How amazing it was that you brought him into my life to share my life. He always thought he was the lucky one, but I knew better. I've always known. He always said that as a little boy, playing in the woods he heard my cry, "save me, save me" and he did. He saved me from the lions, he saved me from the dragon, he saved me from the train tracks. He was, and always has been, my hero. He was in my life according to your plan. I have never doubted that from the first time we met. My mama was right, be cautious who you date, you can fall in love at first sight. I was "gone" from that first moment.

But, to be gone was to be found, for me. Ray came into my life and was the most amazing advocate for wanting me to be me. Good, bad or indifferent, he wanted me to be me. He loved me for who I was at any given moment and he loved me unconditionally. He chose to love me. He loved me until the breath of life left this worldly body. I will always love him, just as I will always love you. Ray's worldly body may be gone but the life we shared this last 44 years. I can say 44 because it's close enough to count (December 5th). I very much appreciate the 44 years you gave us. If it had been 100 it still wouldn't have been long enough. I would still miss him just as much as I do now. My heart would still be just as broken as it is now and I would still shed as many tears as I do now. 

I do not know or understand why you have elected to take both he and Aaron before me. I do know that you have a plan because you tell me so in your word: 

Keep me mindful of you Lord. Help me understand that you continue to be my provider. You care for me, love me and know me better than anyone ever could. You loved me enough to let me share 44 years with the man of my dreams. For those years I will be eternally grateful and will not regret the years we didn't have. They were years we never had to begin with. You are my sufficiency. Take care of him Lord. I leave him in your care in heaven with you just as he was in your care here on earth. 

Farewell my love, until we meet again on the streets of gold. Jannie

God Is Faithful

And they never ended!

Here I am Lord, calling out your name. My heart is breaking. My husband, your child, lies here beside my chair waiting for your call home. I know that what awaits him is a wonderful and glorious thing. But, that doesn't mean I want him to go. It was just one month ago to the day we heard the words, terminal. How could things progress this quickly? I never in my wildest thoughts even considered that it would only be these few days. Although I know it's a better place for him it's hard. I just want him to sit up and say  "Hey there, I'm rested, let's get up and go.". But he isn't going to do that is he Lord?

He isn't going to hold me when I cry this time either like he has done so many times before. He's not going to hold my hand anymore and say, very carefully, to me, "Now Jannie, do you really think this is a good idea?". He's not going to get that gleam in his eye when he's been mischievous? He had that gleam more often than not. He's not going to be with me for new adventures. He's not going to hug me again when I cry because I miss our son. He's not going to see another Christmas and share the joy of the holiday season. He's not going to preach again or win another soul for you. He's not going to enjoy this Autumn with me, walking along, talking, sharing and picking up pine cones. He's not going to get to do any of those things again. I am going to miss him and all those wonderful things we have shared these past 44 years. My life is better for him having been a partner in it.

But, he is going to enter the pearly gates and meet you face to face. He will be able to hear you say, "Well done my good and faithful servant." He will walk the streets of gold and see the smiling face of our beloved son who went on before him. What joy that will bring to each of them. I know that you are faithful Lord. I know you will bring him safely home to you. I know that his pain and suffering are coming to an end. I ask now that you give me the grace and courage to let him take the journey; to release him to you for your glory. 

I will be sad, lonely, scared, hurt, angry, mystified, broken and unconsoledable, but, joy comes in the morning. The joy, eventually, of knowing that one day, he will meet me at the gates of heaven, arms out streached ready to enfold me in that strong, loving and comforting embrace that I will have missed. And once again, we will be together and home.

At The Foot of the Cross

Our son Aaron

Where to begin. When last I left it was October 20, 2013. Much has happened in the span of eleven months. October 2, 2014 will mark the third year of our son Aaron's passing. When I left you, hubby and I were living in Troy NY. How do I fill in all the blanks and blessings in the past eleven months? How to begin? Suffice it to say, God worked miracles. 

Hubby Ray

My hubby, Ray, has been in poor health for several years now. We simply could not find answers in Oregon nor NY. He kept loosing weight and no one could explain it. He was short of breath and no one could explain it. He was having trouble swallowing and no one could explain it. He kept getting weaker and weaker and no one could explain it. 

My mother, who has Parkinson's, has lived with my sister Diane and her husband Ron for many years now. In the midst of our son's battle with Colon cancer, my sister was diagnosed with Multiple Myloma. Diane was at a point she was needing help with our mother. I knew before long I was going to need some heavy duty help with Ray. God worked miracles through family and after two years in Troy, we find ourselves once again in CA. I could write a book about the miracles God worked on that ten day trip back across country, but that's a story for another time.

Following many pokes, prodding and tests we have a diagnosis for Ray: Cardio Pulmonary Failure. It is terminal.

So, where do we go from here? Right back to the foot of the cross. Am I angry? You bet? Is it fair? There is no such thing as "fair". Life gives us what we get and we stay at the foot of the cross where the Lord provides the comfort and grace we need to endure. Was it fair Jesus die for what we do. Absolutely not. But love conquered then just as it will now. The love of family and friends overwhelms me at times. What have I done to deserve all this love and compassion. Not a darn thing. That's what makes it so special. They love me no matter what, unconditionally. Just as the Lord loves me unconditionally. I can still be angry this is happening. As I told one friend in an email this past week, this certainly isn't how I pictured retirement. We had such great plans of traveling around doing flea markets and fairs and just enjoying the beauty of God's creation and making new friends along the way. Instead, our son is gone and Ray is terminal. I'll be angry for some time probably, but that doesn't mean I don't know that God loves me and is right here beside me during this journey. 

Do I ask why? Sure I do. But, I don't think it really matters to know the why. The fact is, this is the journey we have been given and as Aaron use to say, "Choose Joy". Some days I'm able to do that. Other days, when I see Ray in more pain than usual, or he's nauseated, or so weak he can't walk, the time I really do need to choose joy, I find it more difficult. During those times I look and find the path back to the foot of the cross. Jesus opens his arms wide and I fall into those open arms and find comfort and joy.