The Responsibility of Friendship

Good morning son. It's a picture perfect morning as I look out my living room window.  The sun is shining, it's quiet and not a lot of activity.  However, I've not been outside yet. I'm looking at just what I can see out of my window. I'm not experiencing the wind, cold, sounds, people moving about, cars rushing past, dogs barking and people talking. Life is pretty much like that to. We can sit in our comfortable, safe spot in the world, or, we can open the door, step out and experience life and people.

I've been thinking a lot about my friends I've had and have in my life. Some are still there, in my life, and some are not. I have some great friends. Many friends. As I've been reflecting back over my life and look at my friendship it's been wonderful to remember. Sometimes there's just this special "click". I meet someone and I say to myself, that's someone I'd like to have in my life as a forever friend. Sometimes it's a friendship that builds over the years. It's slow and steady and a special bond forms. Sometimes it's been "wow" what a great friend that person is and I didn't even realize it. There are those people in my life who although I rarely see them or talk with them that bond of friendship will always be there. For me anyway.These people have laughed with me, cried with me, celebrated with me, sat with me, grieved with me and have been an integral part of my life. What is it that makes these relationships so rich? I don't know. I don't have to know. I have so many great friends and I love them all for the richness they add to my life.And with each one that's a richness only they themselves can bring. 

I use to be so much better about keeping in touch. I'm lousy at it now. It's not that I don't love them just as much as I always have or miss them any less. What is it? It's me. I'm just getting plain lazy and careless about my friendships. I have a friend that said to me years, and years ago when we were talking about friendship. She said, "Jan, you have many friends just as I do. There came a point in my life when I had to take a hard look at my friendships.  I had so many and yet I came to realize that many of my friends were friends if I did all the work.I call those 'high maintenance friendships'." If I called and asked if they wanted to do something. If I called and asked them to dinner. If I called and invited them to go shopping. If I called and asked them to go to the show...if I called. It then dawned on me, if I did all the work to maintain the friendship then there were right there. If left it up to them, I neither saw nor heard from them. I decided no true friendship could work like that." She was right. 

Friendship is a two way street.  It takes someone working on each side of the street, working toward the middle for a true friendship to last. It dawned on me this morning. I've become that high maintenance friend we talked about that day! I don't know when it happened and I'm not going to spend a lot of time trying to establish a timeline. For me, that would be an additional waste of time. But now that I know it, what am I going to do about it? I see myself writing a lot of handwritten notes to each of them. A combination of thank you and I'm sorry notes. My friends deserve the special attention to detail. My first will be to the
friend who gave me that worthy piece of advice. 

I could use all the excuses in the world for not staying in contact; the job took us to a new city, work is expanding, someone is sick, Aaron died. (Sorry, did that take you by surprise? You do know you died and are in heaven, right? Okay, just checking.) But the truth is, there really is no excuse. My friends deserve better from me.

 I've been thinking a lot about John and Nina lately. When we moved down to Anaheim they were the first people we met. We almost lived at their house. We did everything with them. Those were some of the best times in our life. When they heard you had died they called. Nina was crying so hard we couldn't have a conversation and she had to hang up.  It's

To Sandy & Rita..

been years since we've seen them. I let life get in the way. I miss her and I need to tell her so. I will.


I've lost almost total contact with everyone I grew up with. I've lost almost total contact with everyone I went to church with as I was growing up. No, I don't expect to keep in contact with them all. But so many friends have passed through my life and every one of them enriched my life in some way. Sometimes Facebook, email and telephone conversations just don't cut it. For me anyhow. 


David and Shirley were a big part of our lives when we lived in Castroville when you were just two. David passed away many years ago and we didn't even know it. How sad is that. The kids are all grown now, Shirley had a brain tumor and surgery and I didn't even know it until several years ago. I did talk with her about five years ago. What a "sad" friend I have been to her.


All the friends I have in Springfield. How will I ever tell them all how much they mean to me if I don't say it or do it. Do WHAT you ask? How should I know. Why do you think I'm talking with you? You did such an amazing job of staying in contact with your friends.  Your family was more difficult for you I know. Probably because they all lived in the same area and you lived in different places. But that didn't mean you didn't love your family near and far, it was just more difficult for you to relate to them because you didn't see them as often as you did your friends. You had an amazing way of being honest with your friends always. You were a great friend son and some of the things I've learned about friendship I learned from watching you. Thank you.

In answer to my earlier question, I need to practice being a better friend by making a better effort. I need to make the call, I need to send more cards, I need to try and visit more, I need to make it a priority. 


Thanks for the talk today son. Just by talking it through has helped me understand and remember that I have a bigger part in these friendships. I need to make a better effort at being a friend. My life is no busier than anyone else and the things I must do are no more important than what they have to do. Lucky for me, I have friends that have hung in there with me no matter the friend I've been. So to all of my friends, old and new,

Son,I've enjoyed our morning chat. You've reminded me how important my friendships are and that I need to do my part to keeping those friendships healthy, whether the friendship be old or new. Between today's chat and my time with dad yesterday talking about our plans and dreams for the life we now have here, I have a new vision of what this new year will be.  Have a great Sunday,I  know you are.


As always, love mom

Remembering

God's Plan

July 1998

by: Jan Jamison

The room stands empty now

It's walls are void and bare

But the silence speaks so loudly

Of the son no longer there.

The floor and bed are littered

With the items left behind

The things you have decided

Could be sent another time

The dresser strewn with objects

Thought so important way back then

But you're off to another adventure

With the holiest maker of men.

This isn't the first departure

Your first one years ago

And it won't be the last one

As God teaches you to grow

The partings are never easy

Doesn't matter how old you get

It hurts the same each time we say

"We're mom and Dad don't forget"!

The Lord has promised many things

We've taught you that as well

You know the Lord

Know right from wrong

You're off! God's story you will tell.

We've wondered often through the years

Just what God has in mind

We walked through trials and troubles

We've bailed, we've whaled, we've whined.

We've cuddled and we've nurtured

We've encouraged and disciplined

And all the while we wondered

"What God would do with him".

God promised..."train a child"

He will return to this

We've tried to leave it up to God

As we borrowed, begged and fixed.

We've finally come to realize

Not in our time--but His

We see God's plan is working

No matter where you live.

It isn't easy to see you go

It really never will be

The leaving of the son

Once bounced upon your knee.

You'r journey might be a long one

A hard one--but always joyous

Because we know you're on the path

Of God's chosen, singing chorus.

The many year have been worth

The time, the joy, the tears

They've brought us 'round to this

The stilling of our fears.

You're off on God's great adventure

You'll make it sure this time

You're in God plan

You are God's man

And all that God defined.

 This coming Friday, February 24th would have been your 39th birthday. Just recently I came across this poem I had written while we were living in Oakdale CA. At one point you decided you wanted to go back to Oregon. I can still feel the knot in my stomach at the thought of you leaving.  It was always so comfortable to have you close and know that you were safe.  It was a very good thing that I didn't know what the future held.  What amazed me about this poem was my inclusion of the joy.  Who would have know that joy would play such an amazing part in your life story.

We had a very simple definition of joy in our home and you lived your life by it.  JOY = Jesus, Others, You. You practiced this throughout your entire life. You were a great example. Whether intended or not, this is the way you lived your life; sometimes to your own detriment. You had a loving and kind heart. Your intent was always for the betterment of others.  You never missed an opportunity to tell someone about your walk with the Lord and to encourage them. Dad and I were always so proud of you.  Even in death, your first thought was for others.  I know that some of the things you put yourself through during the years of struggling with cancer, all of your decisions were based on making lives of the people you were leaving, easier and without complication.

There may have been many things you didn't hear from your dad and I (although I can't imagine what those might be), but one of them was not, "we're proud of you".  In fact, at one point you had heard it so much you ask dad not to tell you any more. Neither of us could have ever done that because we were so very proud of you. Did you make mistakes.  Heck ya!  Did we make mistakes, undeniably! But you were not one of them. You were an unimaginable miracle in our lives. 

The years we spent with you can never be duplicated. For more reasons than are self-evident! I use to laughingly tell you, "you can be replaced you know". You look at me and say, "Mom, take a good look. Would you really want to try that now?".  I can honestly say, you were the pride and JOY of my life and there isn't one single thing I would have changed about you.  To change one thing could have changed everything. You were an amazing son. I thank God for allowing me to share in your life for an amazing 38 years. It be wrong of me to ask the Lord for more.  For whatever task God required you I am happy to have spent 38 HOURS WRACKED IN HARD LABOR to be able to spend 38 years with you.  Happy Birthday son!

As always, love, mom

PS to readers. Aaron and I had a standing joke about my hours of labor. He said every birthday my hours of labor increased with his age. Today, I get the last word and he's having a good laugh.)

It is What It is

Dear Son, Whitney Houston died yesterday. Too young. Talent gone. Family left. Friends left. Life over. A daughter left without a mother, a mother left without a daughter. At 48, a person, life and talent and all the possibilities of that life, gone in a single moment. I found myself crying when I heard the news.  Still am. As you might imagine, the news hit a little close to home.  I so feel for the people in her life that loved her and she loved. Enjoy her in heaven. Her voice will be an amazing addition to the heavenly choir.

Just a glimpse of Troy 9 decor!

Tuesday is Valentine's Day. Another first without you. I've been playing my Valentine music box you gave me years ago. It's nice to see it on the mantle this time of year. It has so many good memories. Thank you for giving it back to me. I am so glad I have it.  Your birthday will be here before I know it. Dad and I were talking yesterday over lunch and I was telling him I was a little emotional over your upcoming birthday that I was even over Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday. Dad knows you're at peace and doing great. So do I.  That's not what it's about.  For me, I'm a mom and I remember the joy of holding you for the first time and knowing I was experiencing a moment with you that I would never be able to duplicate.  Holding your child for the first time is just that.  The first and only time. You never get that awesome moment again.Happy Valentine's Day son. I will always love you!

This weekend has been a really "heavy" one.  I don't know why. It's another one of those time when I can't seem to stop the tears.  Maybe I'm just tired.  I'm not crying over you.  I don't feel particularly sad about anything. I'm not worried about anything.  Maybe it's just some residual (like that big word do you?) tiredness.  I'm looking forward to some warmer weather where I can get out and walk.  The cold on my legs just about does me in and it takes for ever to get them warm again. Even here in the house I'm sitting with a blanket folded four times over my legs. I'm not upset about it, just looking forward to walking again. I'm just rambling, sorry.

Dad and I are finally catching financially. The opportunity to work again has been incredible. It feels like a perfect fit. I hope they think so too. I love working on projects and now I'm doing recognition which I really love. It's so fun doing recognition for a private company because you really get to recognize important life events. It's great to be able to share in those events with people; engagements, new babies, birthdays, anniversaries, job well done.


You'll be happy to know I finally have the software for my Cricut loaded. The downside is, yesterday morning something went cockeyed with Avast on dad's computer. The wireless adapter for the Internet "dropped" off. I reinstalled that. Avast was registered until June of this year but I upgraded Avast for additional coverage.  After four hours still no Avast. I either needed to turn shut it down or throw it out the window. I opted for shutting it down. Less mess to clean up.


Yesterday afternoon we headed to AC Moore, a hobby shop in Latham.  They had easels on sale for $10/ea.  I need them for working on wreaths.  The 5 minute trip took us 1 1/2 hours. Just as we were getting ready to take an exit the GPS lost the satellite signal. I think we traveled half way to Canada to find an exit that would loop us back around the right way. I did get my easels. I'm glad dad's handy with these type of projects because an engineer designed it and it's in tons of little pieces! I picked up a few beautiful pieces of paper to make cards and some odds and ends of embellishments and we came home.  I could have spent have the day.  Marshal's was next door and then the Hobby Lobby. Needless to say, I need to go back. I have a 55% off one item next weekend. Can't let that go to waste.

Ours weren't as pretty, but tasted great.

Josie was here Friday and Saturday nights. We made Valentine cookies Friday night and watched movies.  Saturday night we ATE some Valentine cookies, watched Peter Pan with uncle, wrestled on the couch, talked about Valentine's Day and Saturday market, painted a fingernail.  Her thumbnail was missing polish so we painted it half purple and half red. She had Rice Krispy for dinner. She usually has an apple but passed on that. And, she always has gum. She and uncle have a favorite.


Today, I'm just trying to get my head together. Don't really know what's going on but I need it clear for tomorrow morning. Dad goes in for his tests and he really doesn't need to be feeling any of this tension.

Until next week then.  I love you son, mom

Life's Challenges - Great Stepping Stones

Morning son. It's Super Bowl Sunday! Dad's getting dinner in the crock pot so there's no interruption to the evening event. And Is it me, or is it just simply weird that it's Sunday again? And Super Bowl time again?  Time just seems to pass so quickly any more. Life is really picking up.  I'm getting very busy in my studio.  I was able to spend about six hours yesterday and it was so great.  Yesterday morning Josh and Josie came by for a couple of hours.You were so right, it's so great to have them close enough so they can come and stay without having to plan weeks in advance.  According to Josie, "you need to live next door so I can just come when I want to and nobody has to bring me".  It's great to be a "grandparent". You get to do all the things the parents won't let them do!  Josh had a bowl of Cheerios and and 1 1/2 chocolate donuts (the snack kind that are about 2" in diameter) and an apple. Josie had 1 1/2 apples, two chocolate donuts and 3 lifesavers broken into small pieces. She would have had a dozen more lifesavers and more donuts if "grandma" had let her.  

Dad took Jamo to Radio Shack yesterday to look at and talk about electronics.  That kid is a whiz!  He can make things from practically nothing.  Dad wanted to show him some tools and kits like you two use to use to make a radio, how to use a volt-o-meter and things like that. Then they went to lunch at Wendy's.

Dad was trying to get the Christmas decorations downstairs Friday to surprise me.  He got in to big of a hurry and fell over the boxes on the stairs.  I took him to the doctor.  There really isn't anything they can do.  He didn't break anything.  He bent his bad knee and leg up behind him.  It will take a week or so to "settle down".  He's walking but he had to call me to pick them up yesterday when he tried to take Jamison on his walk.

It amazes me sometime in how God, with the millions of people on earth and in heaven, is aware of our inner-most thoughts and feelings. Last week dad was doing something in the basement and came across a couple more of your jackets.  Remember the satin one with "Jesus is the Rock" you had in high school?  But the best of all is the jean jacket you wore in junior high and high school.  You bleach designed it by hand with "God Rulz" and all of your patches.  I don't think a day went by when you didn't wear that jacket. We had a great time that day walking through memories.  As much as I miss you, I think dad misses you even more.  I'm more verbal about it. (Knock it off! I can hear you, "Mom, you verbal? That's truly hard to believe!) Dad holds these things close to his heart most of the time.  I think probably because he thinks talking about this will make me sad.  It doesn't really. Like I've told you, I do have a day or moment here and there, but since I'm working part time again and trying to keep up in the studio and a few other projects I'm working on you're just a natural train of thought as I do things. I can hear you chuckle when I do certain things, see that questioning look as if to say, "are you kidding me?" or when I'm driving, "Are you trying to kill me? Cancer is already doing a pretty good job mom, you don't have to help it along!"

You can believe this. Others might have trouble believing it. Last week while on his walk with Jamison, they always do the same route, at the top of the hill, on the rock where we stood to release your ashes, dad saw something red laying on the rock.  He walked over and picked it up. When he came home with it and showed it to me I immediately thought, and you probably heard me, Aaron, are you trying to be funny? It was a Christmas decoration of Snoopy and his dog house decorated with Christmas lights.  Now you tell me, how would that specific decoration show up in that place. I don't know how, but I know that very simple thing is exactly what dad needed at that moment at that place.  It's amazing how God keeps track of the little things.

Scott, Eric & Me (don't freak, I'm letting my hair grow)

I had a super great birthday and a birthday surprise you would not believe! Oh of course, you already knew didn't you? If you were paying attention that is.  We celebrated at work with the most fabulous chocolate cake and a "sugar cookie or butter cookie" that was huge, topped with the most fantastic chocolate icing you have every tasted.  Celebrations at work are really celebrations and are so much fun.  Wednesday evening we met at Corey & Jon's for a family celebration.  Corey made an amazing chocolate on chocolate cake - four layers high. The slices were so large they fell over the side of the plate.  Now THAT'S a cake! The surprise was, Eric and Scott!  The three of them had been making plans since about Thanksgiving for them to come to Troy for my birthday.  As Eric and I talked, we figured outside of a couple of very short visits in GrovelandHoho

Valentine sign...on it's way to Etsy

I worked from about 1pm to 8:30pm last night in the studio.  I'm finally getting back in sync.  Dad is finally convinced the Cricut was a great idea. I made a couple of cards, did another step on the cradle, made a Valentine Day wreath the couple on the second floor ordered and made a Valentine Day sign.  This afternoon and evening, while Super Bowl XLVI is on.  Dad's really looking forward to the game.  He's going to be missing you this year, but you can do your part from where you are. Right?  Giant's all the way!

While we're talking here about amazing things. Really, that's something very difficult to NOT talk about because to me it's just been one amazing thing after another. The Lord has really blessed me with a super great team to work with. I know I've told you this before, but it is so super great to believe in what you're doing and working with a team who believe in what we are doing too.  Friday before I left HR asked if I would administer the Recognition Program for the Firm. How cool is that! We recognize EVERYTHING! and that is as it should be. Celebration should be an integral part of our every day. It doesn't have to be huge but finding something to celebrate everyday makes life special. I administered the City's recognition program for almost 11 years and it was one of my favorite things to do. Now though this program encompasses EVERYTHING...not just years of service.  Woo hoo! Seeing people smile and happy, how much better can it get than that! I'm very excited to get to work Monday and began!

Dad and I are beginning to work on plans to get the guest room up and ready. We're hoping for a very, very busy year for guests.  With dad falling on Friday it will slow things down a bit with getting things downstairs but what's another week!  It's not like I'm going to paint the room this month.  It will probably be March before I get paint to those wall.  We're also going to move our bedroom to the far back room.  I know, I know, moving furniture again.  But the people above us have their bedroom in the same room and have a television so it will be a little quieter.  But, the main reason is that there are two, mind you, two windows which means more natural light.  You know me with windows and light.  I can never have too many. What it also means thought is I need to start looking on Craig's List for a double bed and a dresser.  I can already see the room finished in my mind's eye so I know exactly what I'm looking for.  I think I'm going to use the yellow quilt that was Aunt Tiny's and decorate around that.  At first I thought I'd use yellow and light pink but the quilt has a lot of black and white check in it so I think I'll make a bed skirt and pillow shams in the black and white check and then go from there.  I'm sure you wanted to know all of that.  Just deal with it!

Had a long conversation with Rita this week.  It's so good to talk with her.  It can be quite challenging to find a time that works when you're calling coast to coast but we manage.  She is doing fine and is working a few more hours right now too. I've got to catch up with Sandy this week.  She always sends me these wonderful messages. I've become so irresponsible about keeping in contact.  When I get up in the morning is when I think about calling everyone because I don't have to be to work until 9:30am.  Then I think about them and think, they probably wouldn't appreciate a call when I get up at 7:30 am because it's 4:30 am in Oregon.  It seems like the day takes on a life of it's own after that and my good intentions disappear into the night. I will win however.  Was there ever any doubt?  Stop laughing!


I'm gearing up for Spring and Summer.  A friend at work gave me several links to some fantastic festivals, mile long yard sales and a salvage store.  How could it get any better?  Life is good son.  We're enjoying it more every day. We're enjoying doing more and looking forward to more. I'm so glad I followed my dream even when it seemed weird to everyone else.

Until next week....be Aaron!  love, mom