Holidays and Peanuts

Sugarfree eggnog, pumpkin pie, dressing, turkey, cranberry jello salad the joy of the Lord and the "Peanuts" characters...that's what our Thanksgivings and Christmases have been made of.  I don't think we've had a Thanksgiving or Christmas without the Peanuts characters.  They've always been one of Aaron's favorites from the time he was very little.  Nothing has changed.  Ray and I still want to buy everything we see at this time a year that has anything to do with Peanuts.  Can't do it but doesn't mean we don't think about it and when we do we relive the many, many holidays we've all had together.

I just woke up this morning and see by the post on Facebook that our son has been at the emergency room all night.  I'm so thankful he has Kristin with him.  They love each other so very much.  At first I was really ticked to think that he had gone through the entire night at the ER without calling us.  I know in part that he didn't want to wake us up in the middle of the night, I know that if anything had happened Kristin would have called.  I know all of that, but once again, I'm a mom and the need to be there is very, very strong. 

As you can probably tell, I'm not having a very good day. It started when I got up this morning.  I was in tears before I even hit the shower.  Things are becoming just a little too real.  I know the reality. Somedays now, more now than a year ago, I find myself in tears.  It doesn't take anything to start them rolling.  I'm trying so hard to get into the spirit of the season...I hope it gets better because right now I just don't have it in me.  I'm so tired of crying. I want it all to go away.  I know that Aaron loves the Lord and that the Lord loves him dearly.  I just want him here.  I shouldn't have to be talking about death, cremation, painting urns and no future with my son.  I should be talking about his expanding career, he and Kristin buying a house, establishing a family.  This is going to sound very selfish I know, but why can't I have that.  Everyone else gets it.  My sisters have it, my brother has it, my nieces and nephews have it.  Why can't I have it with my son?  What did I do in my life that God would take my son in the prime of his life?  Why would he give him all the talent he gave him and then take it all away.  Why? 

I'm putting up a pretty good front because that's what everyone expects to see from me.  But I don't really care about anything anymore.  Doesn't matter if we have things.  Doesn't matter if I have a home.  Doesn't matter about a fancy car.  Doesn't matter about anything.  I'm making all the motions that everyone needs to see but I don't really care.  People want to hear that I'm doing okay so that's what I tell them.  I love them for caring and being there but I can't be honest about feelings face to face because I never would stop crying.  Most days I'm just barely hanging on.  I go through my day and do what I have to do but it gets more difficult every day.  My mind isn't sharp and clear.  I loose my train of thought.  I forget then I get frustrated.  I'm out of answers.  My goal is just to make it through one day at a time.

I want those days back filled with laughter, thinking about the future, thinking about a grown son and how the Lord will use him and his talents, about having holidays in his home with his family, about doing all the things families get to do together.  I'm selfish and I want that.  I miss my son already.

I try not to post my real feelings because I feel like everyone expects me to always have a happy, cheerful attitude.  I also try not to say what is really in my heart because I know Aaron reads my blog but today son, I apologize.  I don't want you to feel worse or that you're "letting me down".  You are not!  You want these same things and I know you have the same wants.  I love you dearly.  Please excuse your sad mother this one travel into self-pity.  mom