Crossroads

I found myself at a crossroad yesterday that I never imagined I would ever have to cross. Actually letting Aaron go.  I finally had to really admit to myself that there is not going to be a miracle, not one as I had pictured in my mind anyway. I had to ask God to take him home.  

It's one thing to say Aaron's in God's hands. It's another thing altogether to actually picture in my mind taking this small precious baby God gave me years ago and visualize myself  placing him in God's arms and walk away. I know he's a grown man and I am so very proud of the man of God he is.  But, he's my baby.  I carried him, I gave birth to him, I cared for him, I taught him, I protected him.  I did all the things a mother does.  I told him not long ago when he again reminded me that he is a grown man, "you'll always be my baby".  I appreciate the fact he's a grown man but he will always be that sweet tiny thing I held in my arms and cried over because he was a miracle baby.  The doctors didn't really give him much of a chance because he was in a dry birth canal for so long. They told us he had a damaged eye from the forceps that would never heal; five days later you couldn't even tell.  He's been a miracle since his conception when Ray and I were living in a tent in Bend OR.

Aaron's first Improv

God produces miracles in our lives every day.  Some we refuse to acknowledge and we call them by other names.  Some we don't see because we choose not to. Some we don't see because we don't believe. Some we don't see because we don't won't to believe God is still in the miracle-making business.  Some we don't see because we believe we can do it all by ourselves.


I'm trying very hard to not look at what's happening to Aaron as God taking away a miracle but rather that God is using this to create yet another miracle for someone else. I'm surviving this because I know God did not create Aaron for any other purpose than to glorify Him.  What God's purpose is in all of this I will never know.  As a mom I'm trying to accept this.  As a child of God I know that my heavenly father only has my best interest at heart.  Aaron continues to be a blessing to all those around him. Aaron has told me from since he was little, "Mom, if I had the choice of all the moms in the world, I would choose you". I told him the other day, "son, you and I belong together and God knew just what He was doing".

During these last three years in pain Aaron has spent many hours in prayer and making amends.  Less than a week ago he was telling me about making amends to someone who had taken offense about something in his recent blog.  I was amazed that he would take one of the very few lucid moments, racked with pain, unable to move without falling, unable to eat, to make sure that this person knew he was not talking about anyone in particular, it had just been a general comment.  


Aaron was his grandpa and grandma's first grandchild and first grandson.  He was his great-grandpa and great-grandma's first great-grandchild.  With the exception of my mom, they have all gone home to be with the Lord.  It might not be scriptural but I like to think that they're all waiting at heaven's gates for him.  Aaron has always said he'll be the jester in God's court.  What a time they will have.  I can just see him now, doing carpentry work and fishing with grandpa and great-grandpa and enjoying time by the river with great-grandma as they paint and do water colors and talk about things of heaven.  What a joyous time they will all have together singing in the King's Chorus and being a servant to the King. 

I already miss his "bear hugs", his laugh, his smile, the joy he brought to my every single day of his.  God knew a long time ago that I needed Aaron in my life.  I hope and pray that I learned what God intended for me to learn from my son.  God never puts anyone in your life for no reason.  God has a purpose in all that He does.  We may not acknowledge it or even believe it.  None-the-less, it's true.


I hope and pray that my life reflects the God that is within me. I'm like anyone else, I don't intentionally hurt anyone but I'm sure that I have.  If you've been someone that I've offended or hurt in some way please accept my apology and forgive me.  My son, through his life and his dying has set a standard and an example that I hope, in the time I have left on earth, I can follow.  He is leaving some pretty large footprints to follow.  He is setting a true course.  He's leaving a rainbow of courage, hope, love and JOY that will attest to his walk with the Lord through eternity.  


Please know that although I write this in the singular because it is my blog, it also reflects the thoughts and heart of his father.  We have thousands of memories of our son in our lives and have spend many hours during Aaron's  life reflecting on those memories.  His dad spent hours on his knees at Aaron's birth coveting with God that if God spared his life at birth he would raise him to be a man of God and that he would give him back to God. Two of Ray's goals in life were to be a godly husband and a godly father.  He has succeeded at both.

Aaron Matthew Jamison

Thank you our son for the time you shared with us.  May God continue to be with you, hold your hand and walk beside you as you take the amazing journey He has laid before you now.  No parents could love a son as much as we love you.  Son, go with God in peace!