The Joy in the Journey

View from hill above our home

 My husband brought up a very good point this morning.  He suggested that every once in awhile explain the nature of my blogs since October of this year.  I guess I assumed that everyone ready would understand what I'm doing here, but just in case there's someone out there who's never read my blog I'll take a minute and bring you up to speed. My husband and I lost out son to colon cancer on October 2nd of this year.  He fought a courageous battle for three years with the cancer and a battle a year before with a misdiagnosis of diverticulitis. These "conversations" with my son Aaron are an attempt to maintain what little sanity I have left and hopefully, to continue his message of "Choose Joy" no matter what the circumstances. I am a  child of God, so was my son and his father a retired pastor. I can also speak for my husband when I say, we know where are son is, with his Heavenly Father. But, being a human being and a mother I deal with the same pain and agony any other mother would feel at the loss of a child at 38 years of age.  These "conversations" with my son help me handle the pain of his loss. My hope is that you will follow along on my journey and experience the joy of life.

Okay son, this update is probably going to be a really long one.  Yeah I know, I can hear you now, "it's from you mom, I expect it to be long!". Funny, funny, ha, ha.  I forgot to tell you about one of the funniest things that happened last week.  Remember me telling you about going to Sierra's performance of Les Miserables?  Well, it was a family event as they usually are. Right before the performance began everyone was roaming around and visiting as usual.  The house was full.  Jon decided to take the boys and go check out the balcony.  They took a look around and sat in different seats checking out the view from different angles.  When Jon said it was time to go to their seats the boys talked him into letting them stay in the balcony.  With a warming to stay in their seats and be quiet Jon brought Josie and came back to their seats which were directly across the theater from where the boys were sitting in the balcony.  As with any kid, as soon as Jon's butt hit the seat the boys immediately started moving around and changing seats.  Jon watched for a minute and realizing he couldn't get back to the balcony before the house lights began to dim, he yelled across the theater, "guys, get your butts in your seats", to which every man in the theater responded by immediately taking their seats!

Today is Monday, cold and wet.  I've been in my studio most of the day trying to finish the organizing.  Dad is going to help me hang the first sign you and I made, "Always Kiss Me Goodnight".  Remember that? It's 10' x 12"!  That was quite a task.  What?  Of course I moved it with us! It was my first sign and you helped me lay it out so we could get it straight.  You taught me how to work with the vinyl.  I wouldn't take anything for that sign.

Dad's Award-Winning Chili

Dad is making his famous chili. He's been at it since about 10am and it's 3:45pm and he's still going.  Wednesday night I'll make grandma's famous Ranch Style Cornbread to go with it and we'll have a scrumptious meal with the family...all 11 of us!  The vote is in, it was another award winning batch of chili.  Oh it was yummy! Wish you were here.  You would have loved it and you and dad would have had your normal conversation about whose chili was best. I wasn't happy with the cornbread.  I decided just to go with the recipe on the back of the bag of cornmeal.  Mistake!  Next time I'll stick to grandma's recipe.  It's the best in the world.  None of the kids noticed the difference though.  It didn't take them long to empty the pan.  That's always a great feeling...to see them enjoy what we've cooked.

Grandma's Ranch Style Cornbread

Preheat oven to 425 degrees

Spray a 9x13' baking pan with cooking spray

Combine following dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl and mix; add remaining ingredients and stir until mixed.  Pour mixture into prepared pan and bake 35-40 minutes or until done.

2 cups Yellow Cornmeal

2 cups Sifted Flour

1/2 cup Granulated Sugar

6 teaspoons Baking Powder

2 teaspoons Salt

2 Eggs

2 cups Milk (skim or whole), I use skim

1/2 cup Canola Oil

And the blooming of another beautiful day!  You know me, I love mornings...although mine don't really begin until after about 8:30 anymore.  Dad and I don't sleep very well so we rarely turn the lights off before 11:30pm or midnight. I think part of it is we know we usually don't have to get up until we decide, part of it is we require less sleep and part of it is life. The biggest for me is being able to make my own schedule!  And I really, really, really like that part. Bet you're laughing your head off 'cause you don't have any reason to NOT sleep well but probably don't sleep. I'm so happy AND joyful that you are finally pain free.  There are some things as a parent that you just can't explain to a your child until they have children of their own.  I use to tell you that when you were younger.  While you were sick many times you would ask me what was going on with me.  There were so many emotions going on inside of me that I just couldn't explain because here on earth you really did have to have children to understand.   Now I know you understand.  


I am so thankful you introduced me to blogging.  It would be so easy for me to sit here every day, all day and "talk" with you but I do have a life you know! I know, so do you.  Wish I could hear about it now but I'll wait if you don't mind!  And I know you don't. Dad and I put the picture of you up yesterday with your purple hair, holding the yellow mum!  I think that is our favorite picture of you.  That picture is SO you and so much the son we see when we think of you.


One of the things that I still have trouble getting my mind around is that you were 38 years old.  As you often told me, "Mom, I'm not 18 anymore!".  Where on earth did all those years go.  It was like they happened overnight.  Remember how dad use to say all the memories we were created that we thought would be for you.  Wrong!  Those memories are helping us go on.  I was going through some pictures yesterday and they were a mixture of your life.  I had such a great time.  I thought for sure I'd end up crying, but I didn't, I ended up laughing.

Well, dad and I are getting ready!  Next Friday night we watch our annual Christmas movie, "Home Alone", to kick the season off and then Friday, "let the decorating begin"!  As I said before, we'll see how long dad can go without putting up some outside lights.  Especially since we have a front porch where he can stand on the porch and hang the lights without having to get on a ladder.  It's going to be different this year.  It's the first holiday season in 38 years you haven't been here.  I'm sure dad and I will get out the Christmas album and go down memory lane. I'll bet it's like Christmas all year long in heaven. What's it like having angels all around you? 

Yesterday I went with Corey and Josie to take three of their chickens out to her Rabbi's farm. Outside of Josie, all the kids were gone.  This meant that Corey had to catch the chickens. I wasn't there to see that but all I need to tell you is that it was Corey...let your imagination do the rest!  She said that as she chased the one loose chicken (lucky for Jon it was only one loose chicken)  round and round the chicken coop the other chickens ran round and round the chicken yard chasing her.  She must have figured this was going to be a simple task because she was still dressed up in a skirt.  By the time she picked me up she was covered in pieces of branches from the trees and shrubbery around their house and shavings from the chicken coop.  She ended up phoning Jon, who was in the house, telling him this wasn't a one person job she had imagined. Can't you just see her running like mad and dialing the phone at the same time while chasing a loose chicken? Only Corey!  Jon came to the rescue, caught the chicken and she was on her way.  I don't think Jon was having as much fun as Corey was. We delivered the three chicken's to the Rabbi's farm. Corey did shed a few tears.  When they put "her" chickens in with the Rabbi's chickens, one of the Rabbi's chickens pecked at Corey's chickens. It's a wonder we didn't come back home with 3+ chickens!  Her three and one of the Rabbi's for "retraining".

Josie in the kitchen

Josie was here last night.  She was quieter than usual.  She didn't want to play with puzzles or sit with your dad to watch a movie.  She stuck like glue to me all evening and lay in my lap on the couch with a blanket to watch her movies (not that I didn't eat that up). She was pretty quiet all evening, for Josie.  She did perk up when I said she could hold two of my porcelain dolls while she was on the couch.  Of course holding meant taking their shoes off.  Josie is like me when it comes to shoes.  You wear them when someone makes you wear them and not until.  She perked up again when I said, "let's make Rice Krispie Treats". She measured out the rice krispie cereal into the bowl and once I had the marshmallows melted, she stirred and stirred.  We did have a "few" on the kitchen floor, from the sink to the stove on the other side of the kitchen actually.  But she had a ball.  She had them stuck all over her hands so naturally, we had to play at the sink in the water for awhile to get them off.  She made a rice krispie lollipop by coating a wooden spoon.  She ate her "lollipop" while sitting on the living room floor watching, you guessed it, "Alice in Wonderland".  As soon as she was finished her "lollipop" it was back to the couch with a blanket and pillow and her head on my lap where she promptly fell asleep.  An ending to a great day. Of course there's always that part where Jon and Corey come in and take her home.  Poop!


I sure could use one of your hugs.  Made any "connections" there yet where you could send me one?

Sierra, Jamo, Josh, Trey, Dylan

, 

Hunter & Josie

We're going to celebrate our family Thanksgiving next Saturday when all the kids are home. Thanksgiving afternoon Jon, Corey and Josie are coming over for dinner.  We'll have our traditional Thanksgiving meal.  Here's the menu:

Appetizers

Salmon Spread & Crackers

            Veggie Tray

     Dinner

Roast Turkey

Sausage/Cornbread Dressing

Cranberry/Walnut Jello Salad

Green Bean Casserole

Roasted Asparagus (if I can find asparagus)

Mashed Potatoes

Biscuits

Deviled Eggs

Dessert

Blueberry Pie

Cream Cheese/Walnut Shortbread Cookies

Christmas Dinner 2010

Your mouth is watering? What was it, the Salmon Spread?  Another of grandma's recipes.  Do you see a theme running through my recipes? Hey, I know a good thing when I see it.  Guess you'll have to deal with it. Wish you could tell me about Thanksgiving in heaven. I know it's rejoicing and being thankful continuously.  Just wish I could enjoy it one more time with you.  Of course, I'll be thinking and saying that the rest of my life so I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.  We'll miss Rita and Morris this year too.  Our last three years of holidays were especially fun because we really didn't know how many people we were going to have or who it was going to be. If we'd have had one more year we'd have had to set tables up in the bedrooms and down the hall (boy, that would have been a tight squeeze!).  But it would have been so much fun. It's not that I'm not grateful for what I have and for where I am.  I am so truly blessed and thankful.  It's just that I thought the holidays wouldn't be as hard as they are evidently turning out to be.  I love our family, where ever they may be and  I love my friends where ever they may be. Without all of their love and support I cannot imagine where my life would be.  But son, some days, Choosing Joy...how did you do it? Sorry, I didn't mean to cry today.  I guess it's just one of those days. Boy, do I ever need to get out of this funk!  I can't even see the page right now.  I hope it was "funk" I just typed.  Guess dad will be reading this closely before I publish today.

Oh, you'll be very pleased to know that I finally did finish the shadow box with great-grandpa's harmonica.  I could never decided on what picture of him to use. Then one night when I couldn't sleep I was thinking through all of the pictures I have and it dawned on me.  The perfect picture was on jacket of Aunt Lena's book "Buck".  It worked perfectly.  I have it hanging on our living room wall. Show you?  If you want to see it, you come here!  Just kidding.  I'll take a picture and include it on my blog. I know you, you think you can get me all teary-eyed and sentimental and you can sneak something in on me.  Not a chance

It's a beautiful, sunny day today!  63 degrees.  As Jamison and I took our daily stroll this morning.( I call it a stroll because we cover a lot of area but the pace isn't very fast). I let him control where we go and how long we spend in one spot.  He loves the wind and he couldn't go without his sniffing, finding and following the trail of the nearest chipmunk.  The walking has also really helped with the water on my knee since I fell a couple of months ago. 

Son

Jamison misses you too.

Son, these weekly conversations with you are so wonderful.  I look forward to them every week.  They make Sunday's very special. I hope too that my conversations with you may reach another mom somewhere.  I would hope for every mother that she be able to have or form a relationship with her son like we have. The Lord gave us a very special gift and I'm so happy that we knew it all along and didn't have to wait for the Lord to call one of us home before we realized what we had. We loved spending time together, laughing together, strolling through stores together.  We just enjoyed our time together.  I'm thankful you allowed me to be a mom and share my views with you. Oh I know you were thinking in the back of your head, "Good grief, my mother is off her rocker". Not only do mothers have eyes in the back of their heads, but we can read minds too.  To be honest with you, there were times I thought you were off your rocker too.  A tattoo?  I mean really, what child of mine would I let have a tattoo?  And now, I have one too and you went with me to get it. Guess it runs in the genes.  (Shh! Don't tell grandma I said that!)

Well, I say so long for now.  I've rambled on enough.  Next weekend, Christmas and Hanukkah preparations begin.  Wish  you were here, but understand you have more important things to do. I truly am joyful that dad and I had the privilege to raise you to honor the Lord and  have the knowledge that you are where you are needed the most;  although I will never understand.

Until next week, love mom