God's Silence

Good morning son!  And how was your week? Time continues to be a teacher here in our world. Somethings we can only learn as time passes. Sometimes we have to repeat those lessons because we didn't learn the first time. Fortunately for us, God holds no grudges. Time is of no consequence to God, although our lives are built around it. We age with time, we grow with time, we learn with time, we struggle through time, we end with time. I guess God knew that if He didn't give us some type of measurement life would have no meaning for us. Who knows what we would do if life had no limits of time? Most likely, a world of chaos. Kids wouldn't want to go to bed, parents wouldn't want to quit work, there would just be one long expanse of what? I'm glad that was worked out for us a long time ago.

October 2nd is right around the corner, Tuesday next week. It marks your second heavenly birthday. Two years since you have been gone. It has been a long, hard struggle this last two years. A time of searching to understand. I still have none, understanding that is. But I do have more peace in living without you here than I did this time last year. I keep waiting for the pain to go away but I'm beginning to realize the pain will always be with me I'm just learning to work around it and go on. 

We had many conversations over the years the two of us. During your final months you made it

very clear that your dream for dad and I was to come here to Troy. You had your reasons, I listened. I could see your point, from that of a son who loved his parents very much. You wanted to see us settled and taken care of since you weren't going to be here to do it. I know that one thing about dying was very difficult for you and you were failing us because you couldn't do what you had always planned on doing....putting us in a home! (Made you laugh!) I thought the move was the best thing for us too and so we make the decision to come to Troy. I don't think I need to tell you how much we love the Troy 9. That is a given and that will never change. They all have been wonderful and have been an amazing help and comfort to us. But son, we just don't fit in here on the East Coast. Dad and I have spent our entire life together, 43 years in December, building relationships and friendships on the West Coast. We don't have another 40+ years to do that again. We miss those friends. We miss the family that we grew up with. We miss our traditions together. We need those people and places in our lives. Our entire life's history is in California and Oregon. We're going home. I know by now, if at all possible there in heaven, you'll understand.

For the last two years God has been silent with me. I've prayed and appealed and asked to hear His still small voice as always but He has been silent. I've known, without a doubt that He was there. I never doubted that. But He was so silent. I've never experienced anything like it. I really am not explaining it very well but a couple of months ago, in late July, I felt this great release of pressure and it was as if God was saying, it's time now, you can go home. 

I know those that don't understand a personal relationship with God are going to think I'm hearing "voices" and am off my rocker but that's for them to work out. I know what my relationship with God is and to not be able to hear his quiet, still voice is very troubling. I am so thankful to have that peace once again.

We don't know what God has in mind or how He is going to do it. But as I told you so many

times in our conversations when we were talking about "impossibilities" in our lives, we are children of a King, with unlimited resources. God can make the impossible, possible. We believe we should do everything in our power and then God picks up the rest. I've learned a great deal in the last two years. I always thought that learning patience was the most difficult of the lessons. I've come to realize that the silence of God in my life is unbearable. Sometimes God never reveals why to the lessons He takes us through. He owes us nothing, He is God, but He gave everything. The ultimate gift, the death of His Son so that I have the assurance of where I will spend the "end of time".

Until next week, be Aaron, love mom