If you're looking for an uplifting blog don't read any further cause this isn't going to be one. Some things I just need to work through and get out and this is my way of doing it. My blog, my rules.
Since Aaron died in 2011 I've pushed and pushed and pushed to do everything everyone else wanted to do and wanted done. Since Ray died in October, I've pushed and pushed and pushed to do everything everyone else wanted to do and wanedt done. I've hauled out the Christmas stuff, decorated for Christmas, baked, plastered on a smile and said, "my, isn't this grand". No in fact, it wasn't and isn't. My nephew just lost his mother in November and guess what, yup, he experienced the same thing. I guess it made everyone else believe that it would make everything all better. Believe me, it's going to take a lot more than that and a much longer time than the holiday season to accomplish that. I don't really think anything will ever be "normal" for me again. I still cry myself to sleep each and every night. I still reach out at night to feel hubby's warm body and wait for him to pull me close and wrap his arms around me. In talking with mom, my dad has been gone for eight years now, it hasn't changed for her either so I guess this is a journey that's never ending.
Every time my brother Bill (brother-in-law actually) calls and I see caller ID I start tearing up and cry the entire conversation. I love him so much and he and my hubby's mannerism's were so much alike.Am I angry? Holy cow, can't you tell?! I'm ticked at Aaron, I'm ticked at Ray and right now, ticked at me. I have absolutely no ambition or energy. I wish I could drop in a hole with Jamison and everyone would just forget that I exist. I have to keep going and that makes me angry. When do I and how do I get the opportunity to have my time for grieving? The world doesn't stop.I do and say everything ever body wants to hear in order for them to feel good because that's what's expected. For the world it's like ya, they were here but they're gone let's just get on with it. For me, it's all just beginning.
Before you get all judgemental and start with the, "but don't forget, God is there for you, just ask; He is sufficient and He will provide all your needs; He let you have them for 38 and 44 years, just remember those years and all the other platitudes. Just let me just say, thank you for all the non-helpful advice and comments. I know all that AND I've already had this conversation with my heavenly father JUST as I would have had this conversation with my earthly father had he been here. Believe me, I know all that and believe all that. God knows I'm angry, I've made that very clear! I believe Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the PLANS I have for YOU declares the Lord, plans to PROSPER you and not to harm you, PLANS TO GIVE YOU HOPE and a FUTURE."
I believe that with all my heart and soul. Please just allow me my time to go through the process whether you understand or not. It's something I need. Please don't assume that because my mate is no longer with me that I have no life or plans. I have both. Please don't assume that I won't get through this, I will, but I'm going to do it in my own time and it's going to take as long as it takes.
Am I at the foot of the cross? Yes. Is it a happy conversation? No. Does God understand? His arms are around me. Enough said.
1 comment:
I love you and I believe God is fine with us being angry. We are human, it's the way we are wired! I'm still upset and angry about Daddy. I remember momma coming down one weekend to visit and she brought me the ring I had bought daddy with my first paycheck. I said I miss him so much and I'm so mad that he's gone,! Momma said I understand, I was with him since I was 15. People forget that, they think because you are a Christian and you know where your loved one is at you should be fine. No, you're right, it not fine, it hurts like hell, it's lonely, it's bleak at times, and that's the truth. Life is never the same, and you never heal, you just learn to move one foot forward at a time IN YOUR TIME, and sometimes you take two steps back. I hate platitudes when I'm hurting and angry! I held it together until daddy's funeral was over. Then I crashed and crashed hard!, i was so angry the first Father's Day after daddy died! It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, and to this day I have a really hard time with Father's Day. A lot of other days too. I'm mad that the girls didn't get more time with him, I'm mad that he worked all his life and got to retire but couldn't travel and do all the things he and momma deserved!, I still don't deal well with it and I miss him every single day. So losing a child, and a husband is a million times harder. I can't even imagine. So you do what you need to and feel how you want and to hell with platitudes and time frames. I miss you tons and wish we lived closer. I miss my sissy.
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