Regrets?

What's right? What's not? What can be put off? What cannot? Should I feel guilty? Should I not? I don't know anymore. I'm not talking about right and wrong here as I know it from scripture. I'm talking about the small daily choices I make; trying to decide what should have priority. Do I go get groceries or take a walk? Do I do the laundry or make a pie? These days these are huge choices for me. It just keeps getting more difficult all the time. And then when I finally make a decision I question whether it was the right one. Will I regret it later? Do other mothers feel the same way? No doubt, but selfishly, I'm thinking only of myself right now.

Will I have regrets? Too late for that, I already do. Most evolve around my son, Aaron. Did I buy the right toys? Did he have the right opportunities? Did he go to the right schools? Was I involved enough? There are so many things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had made the choice to be a stay at home mom. I didn't know then what I know now. I wasted so many years working when I could have spent the time at home with Aaron. I think about the time I watched from the kitchen window as Aaron headed off to school and the tears just rolled. I was so sad and sorry that he didn't have a brother or sister to walk with him. Believe me, it wasn't for lack of trying! When I told Aaron about this not too long ago he said, "Mom, I didn't know any different. I had always been an only child and I met up with friends on the way." It still sucked, and so does cancer now.

I wish I had made better choices about plans for the future and retirement. I didn't know a single thing about 401K or IRA or Money Market. It's nobodys fault but my own. I didn't question and ask. I know to do that. Why didn't I? Because who thinks that 40 years to retirement will be but a blink. The Lord knows my needs and my heart. He knows I've planned as well as I can and worked as hard as I can. I trust Him to keep me and help me to spend wisely during retirement.

Looking back, I would have absolutely insisted that I have the opportunity to meet brother-in-laws Tom and Bob.I do have brother Bill in my life...I can't imagine life without him in it. I've heard so many stories and so many great memories. But, by choices I made, I lost that opportunity and now they are both gone. True, I'm working to make the rest of the time I have making up for some of that loss by becoming more involved with extended members of the family. However, that doesn't make up for the loss I felt and experience every single day knowing that they're gone and I missed an opportunity. I have a daughter, son-in-law, grandkids and great-grandkids I'm looking forward to getting to know and watch them grow. I'm looking forward to that. BUT, what it's going to cost me, the death of my son, in order to do that is a pretty high price to pay.

Don't get me wrong, I love and appreciate the family I have very much. They have supported me through the years and loved me and I don't take that for granted...ever. I just need to complete the circle. Every holiday and family event these last 40 years I've enjoyed, but there's always been this sense of loss as everyone planned around two sides of family, how they were going to make it work, who they were going to see. I regret that Aaron will never get to know his extended family because of choices I made.

DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND ME! I would not trade the last 40 years for anything you could give me, but I would add experiences to them if I could. I've had a great life this last 40 years. I have a husband who has and does love me unconditionally since the day he met me. It doesn't matter what size I am, what shape I'm in, what color my hair is or what mood I'm in. His love is unconditional. He would do anything I ask him, and has. But, if you love someone as much as I love him, there are some things that you don't ask them to do. Fortunately, time has a way of changes some things. When I expressed a desire to retire back East I did so very early on, almost 2 years prior to my retirement date.I did this because I figured it would take me at least 2 years to convince him. But to my surprise, his immediate response was, "it's your choice Jannie. You've followed me where ever work took me for the last 40 years. This is your decision and I will go with you happily where ever you choose". It about blew me away. He has never waivered from that decision".

So, after retirement early next year, Lord willing, our plans are to load what we can in a 17' U-Haul, tow the car, load Jamison in and head east to Troy NY where a family of 9 awaits us with open arms. Is the cost high? The highest I will every pay, a future without my son. A son who's dream for his mother is that she completes this circle of family. Will I regret this decision? Who knows? Would I regret it if I didn't try? Absolutely!