Seasons

'Ti's the season...no, not that season! Fall! Can't you feel it in the air? It's glorious. Basically, my very favorite time of year. I love the fresh smell and the breeze. The warm days and cool nights when I can sleep like no other time. The colors are so beautiful. It just makes me want to jump up and shout. Can you tell I'm really working at this. I do love the Fall season. It is my very favorite time of year. It's just that this year it brings me closer to another season that I'd rather not have to think about. I can't believe how quickly time is moving. I really cannot believe it's the end of August already. It seems like it was just February and Aaron and I were celebrating our birthdays. Where has the time go? Every year it just moves faster and faster.I don't want it to move this fast. I can remember as a kid in school thinking the school year would never be over. N,ow I'd give anything to have time slow down and the year last forever. It isn't right that as we get older and move slower, time should move faster. If we're slower so should time be. There's so much to do and so much to say. There isn't going to be enough time. I already knew that before Aaron was diagnosed. I often wondered how I was going to teach him all that I was suppose to teach him as a mom. How does a mother get that all in? Especially when you make mistakes and have to make that time up later. I don't get the opportunity to make anything up. Whatever I did, good or bad, right or wrong, that's it. That's all I get.

The only thing I have left now is to be the best mom I know how to be for whatever time God allows us to have together. Aaron is anxious for us to begin sorting and packing. I try so hard to do what he asks because I want his life to be easier. As easy as I can help make it. He tried to keep the big, brave front and be what he thinks I need him to be. I just want him to be Aaron. He doesn't have to do anything or be anything except just be my son. I love just sitting and talking or helping him do things or whatever I can do to spend time with him. Sometimes we get a chance to go to a movie, sometimes we watch a movie, sometimes play Wii, sometimes we're just together and quiet. He can make me laugh so hard (he gets that from his dad, Ray has always been able to make me laugh). I'm trying not to miss him already. I try not to let my mind go forward. I try to stay present in the moment. I try, but I'm not super woman. My mind does go forward and it does look ahead and when that comes, so do the tears, like right now. My heart is broken and every day that goes by so quickly chips another little piece away. I don't know if it will ever be whole again. How can it be? No one will ever fill the void that he is going to leave.

Yes, Ray and I will go on. We have each other and our love for each other binds us together. We are best friends and we're looking forward to retirement together. Retirement has just taken on another whole different look in the last 3 years. We're moving along with our plans because that's what Aaron wants. It still doesn't feel right because it feels like I'm abandoning him. How do I go merrily ahead planning for a future when my son isn't going to have one. It stinks! I'm finding myself trying to measure my words and be cautious here because I know Aaron reads my blog. But, that basically defeats the whole purpose of why I started the blog. I needed an outlet before I imploded and this is the means to that end.

So son, if you're reading this please know how dear you are to my heart. I couldn't be prouder of you if you had discovered America! Know that I'm doing the best I can with what you've asked but that it's not easy what you ask. Sorting things out and packing things up isn't easy. It feels like I'm pulling the rug out from under you. Yes, I want to go to New York. Yes I want to have a life back East with the Troy 9, When dad and I discovered I was pregnant with you it was the greatest moment of our lives. You have been the joy of our lives since the day you were conceived in the tent in Bend. (For everyone else, that's a story for another time.) You brought us so much joy we wanted more children. After two miscarriages and a false pregnancy we knew that God intended for us to have no more. We were okay with that and we've been a great family. Now we have reconnection with family back East, family in CA and you and Kristin. I know that you're tired. Tired of being sick, tired of hurting constantly, tired of not being able to do the things you want to do, tired of being tired. You put up a great front, but I am your mother after all, and I know better. I love you for who you are for the moment we are in. Just keep being Aaron!