Sometimes, most of the time actually, I wish I didn't know my son was dying. Sometimes I'm thankful I do.(Know that he's dying, not thankful that he is.) But now-a-days I find myself scratching for additional moments with him and missing the opportunities that I have at the moment. That may not make any sense to some but it's true for me and unfortunately, or very selfishly, my reality is all that counts right now. I love the time I have with him. There is never going to be enough. I appreciate even more these days that God doesn't let us see the future, He doesn't give us all the details of our life. In reality, I couldn't handle knowing and God knows that. You couldn't either, whether you think you could or not.
I get tired some days of being brave, of being the responsible one. Sometimes I just wish I could let myself fall apart. Other people do it. Why not me? Sometimes I just want to have a pity party. Maybe this is my way of doing that. I don't really know why I do what I do any more. It's "put one foot in front of the other and move". Sometimes it's forward, sometimes it's back. I don't seem to have any control...not that I ever did, but at least I was normal like everyone else and thought I did. Sorry, I'm rambling and not making any sense. I think I will be having more of thees times, in fact, I'm sure of it.
I continually ask myself, "how can I make some sense out of this"? I can't seem to find the answer. This doesn't make any sense, but I want it to. What is it my mom always says, "It's not your needs that get you in trouble, it's your wants and desires". Pretty amazing woman my mom!
Aaron has a "bucket list" as everyone knows. One of his dreams is to know that his dad and I are safe and happy. He has said right from the beginning that's it's very important to him that he knows where we are and that we are cared for. How I ask you, am I suppose to plan and prepare for that with my son dying? Aaron thinks that when I retire we should just pack up and move back to Troy. How the heck does he think a parent is going to do that. Yes, we are going. But how on earth does he think a mother is going to pack off and move anywhere, let alone across the United States, with her son terminally ill and his body racked in pain?
Monday, August 24th and the saga continues. Enough of the questions. Today has been a super great day. Aaron's feeling good, better anyway, not throwing up his insides anyway. Monday is Kristin's day off so they had it to spend the day together. I slept in until 8 am. That's rare for me, we took Jamison for his walk, Ray and I ran some errands, had lunch. Ray finished the laundry and spent some time with his knee up and I had four glorious hours in my craft room working on signs. I set a goal of 5 signs and got them done. Even managed to give myself a pedicure and manicure this evening. Life is good and all is right with the world. Well, almost.
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